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My Husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have a 7 year daughter and a 4 year old daughter. My husband has a severe anger management problem and an extremely bad temper, which he acknowledges.
I have repeated asked for help over our 15 year relationship, and it has always been met with the same answer, “we don’t need help it’s that you’re to sensitive, you have no sense of humor and I am the way I am and people don’t change.”
We have had our ups and downs but things really got bad when we had our first child and I left work to take care of our family. Repeated insults about house keeping, childcare and performance in the bedroom are a regular thing. Whenever I would cry to him that he was being hurtful and we need help he would say the same thing (see above).
6 years ago when our oldest was a year old I realized I no longer love him but I should because of our commitment and high hopes that things would improve. I tried to improve to make him happy. I got a job thinking that he would approve of the income because he always made me feel like a freeloader by comparing me to other mothers that worked, but things got worse because I had twice the work to do now. I research different ways to please your man in the bedroom, he loved it, I hated it because I’m not comfortable around him. Things were still bad no matter what I did.
This past January I asked again for help (counseling) and he again said no, but this time I said I would leave him if we didn’t. Don’t ask were that came from because I still can’t tell you, but some how I gathered up enough courage to say it. Through counseling we have begun to communicate where he is finally listening to me, and he is taking steps to “change.” Which is him not speaking to me and walking on eggshells.
A major incident happened 3 months into counseling and I have finally stood up and said I will no longer be treated this way and asked for a separation. He refused to leave or agree to the arrangement of me in the house 50% of the time and him in the house 50% and the kids in the house 100% of the time. We are currently in an “in house separation.” He isn’t taking it’s serious as he keeps say this is so I can find my self in a sarcastic voice and says I’m doing this so I’m free to live my life. Untrue I would never want time away from my kids. What it has done is make me realize that I will NEVER want him in my bed again. He has pressured me for sex for the last 3 years and I would give it to him, but hated it.
I need advice because I’m scared to death of his reaction; I don't think it’ll be safe. He has thrown things but he’s never hit me, but I don’t trust him. I have nothing. No money, nothing. I can live at my parents house which is 3 min away however I don’t want to take the kids out of the house, but with him refusing to leave I don’t know what to do.
Please contact one of these groups and get out as soon as you can with your kids. Take the kids out of the house. They need to be in a safe, supportive environment.
Sounds like you need more help than a forum can give you..... seek out some help from a domestic abuse hotline or website, they can guide you to something local that can help out.
. . . things really got bad . . . Repeated insults about house keeping, childcare and performance in the bedroom are a regular thing. Whenever I would cry to him . . .
6 years ago when our oldest was a year old I realized I no longer love him . . . he always made me feel like a freeloader . . . things got worse because I had twice the work to do now. I research different ways to please your man in the bedroom, he loved it, I hated it because I’m not comfortable around him. Things were still bad no matter what I did. . . .
. . . I said I would leave him if we didn’t. . . . Through counseling we have begun to communicate where he is finally listening to me, and he is taking steps to “change.” Which is him not speaking to me and walking on eggshells.
A major incident happened 3 months into counseling and I have finally stood up and said I will no longer be treated this way and asked for a separation. . . realize that I will NEVER want him in my bed again. He has pressured me for sex for the last 3 years and I would give it to him, but hated it.
I need advice because I’m scared to death of his reaction; I don't think it’ll be safe. He has thrown things but he’s never hit me, but I don’t trust him. I have nothing. No money, nothing. I can live at my parents house which is 3 min away however I don’t want to take the kids out of the house, but with him refusing to leave I don’t know what to do.
Seek professional help NOW!
Your children do NOT need THAT house. They need a safe loving environment and a mother who is not afraid.
They also need a mother who is a role model. PLEASE do NOT teach them that this is the way for a woman to live.
Get help for YOURSELF and for your daughters.
He doesn't think he's abusive; he thinks I'm nuts. Our counselor has told him his behavior is abusive. He thinks that things are going to go back to normal after I fall out of my funk. Things will NOT go back to the way it was as I will no longer let it. My counselor and I are working on my self confidence levels, but still have a long way to go. I'm afraid to leave.
How do I just up and leave? Has anyone else out there done this?
He is abusive, and you must not raise your children in that environment. There will be no good outcome for them if you do. And YOU deserve better.
Call the domestic abuse hotline provided by the previous poster they will help you plan a way out. Get in touch with a divorce attorney. Start hiding money if you can. Let your parents know you will be coming to live with them soon. Start keeping a log of EVERYTHING that he does - you will need to cite specific incidents. I'm not sure how this works, but the counselor you have been seeing should be able to back you up in court if he gives you trouble with custody of the kids.
It will be rough for a while, but you and your children will be so much happier in the long run if you leave as soon as you can.
You can go to a domestic shelter or to a family members home. He is an abuser, without intense therapy he will get worse. Your children should not be exposed to him, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. Lead by example, you are sending a message to your children...abuse is ok. A child would rather has one good parent, than live in a toxic environment, leave him in your dust, as long as you stay with him...there will be no happiness and peace in your or your children's life.
You all deserve so much better...if you can't leave for you...leave for your children, you are their voice...their future.
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See professional help NOW!
