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I have been in a relationship with an abusive man for about four years (more like an adolescent) who I know intellectually is immature, irresponsible, sociopathic, rude, unreliable, disrespectful and a host of other bad adjectives, but somehow it is difficult for me to sometimes see an objective view of who he truly is has a person. I seem to have an idealized view of him and want to find some good in him as a person no matter what he does, but his character is truly bad. He has repeatedly emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused me in various ways. I was wondering if there was anyone on this forum who has been thru this in a relationship or understand this behavior I describe and thinks it is bad or if I am exaggerting the behavior he does. He has shoved me, he will make plans and stand me up on important holidays, never show up Xmas, Thanksgiving, buy me gifts, steal money from me, repeatedly not return money I give him or lend him, lie to me, disappear, abuse drugs, force sex acts on me, say he loves me and forget Valentines Day, never remember my Birthday, get drunk and verbally abuse me, promise to pick me up places and never show up. The list goes on. He says he lives with his Mother to assist her as she is elderly, but he is an ex-con and he has not done anything for her or upkeep for the house. She is very upset with him and he does not help her financially and is out of work a lot. He never seems to have any money. He has always had an alcohol and addiciton problem. He is 58 years old and at first I thought he was taking care of his Mother, but in fact it is the other way around and he is taking advantage of her, as he seems to take advantage of me and others. I am embarassed to say that I was interested in him also.
I know I need to speak with a counselor on a long term basis, but I cannot afford this. I have been to a counselor and a group for the short term on a low cost basis and see it is abuse and see the damage and the bad person he is, but it is hard for me to believe that he is really this way when I hear it. It is as if I have this false belief that he is not truly that bad. I was wondering if anyone has been thru this and felt this way about a significant other or wife or husband. I realize I am not alone with this, but it is diffcult. How do you accept that a human being is truly a bad person? I know what he has done to me is wrong and horrible, but how can he not change this behavior? How can he say he loves me and do that? I now know I am not the bad person and cause of his bad behavior and I am trying tonever go back to him, but I cannot seem to understand that he is a bad person. I am afraid I may go back again to this man. I have moved out of state successfully for a year and a half and it helped me, but he drew me back in. I am now regretting that and accepting my mistake, but I am planning to move away far again and this time I do not want to make the same return again. Thank you.
Last edited by Artsywoman; 02-13-2011 at 10:46 PM..
Reason: additions
I have been in a relationship with an abusive man for about four years (more like an adolescent) who I know intellectually is immature, irresponsible, sociopathic, rude, unreliable, disrespectful and a host of other bad adjectives, but somehow it is difficult for me to sometimes see an objective view of who he truly is has a person.
Oh, I'd say you see him perfectly well.
Repeat after me: "This man does not love me. This man is abusive. Abusers do not love their victims. This man does not love me."
Repeat as often as necessary until you either get the help you need or summon the courage to leave him.
Your alternative is to stay with him until he puts you in either a hospital or a grave.
BTW, I'd like to DM you but can't because the option is turned off on your profile. I used to work in Alexandria and you look awfully familiar.
"I know what he has done to me is wrong and horrible, but how can he not change this behavior? How can he say he loves me and do that?"
Fact vs. Fantasy. Read your post over and over again. I know people like you who refuse to admit the truth and don't have a clue how to help them. Maybe think is this what you want in the future? Is this the best you can do?
If you have a hard time believing he's really a bad person, fine. You don't need to do that. All you really need to do is decide he's NOT the one for you, and say goodbye.
If you want to have hope he's better than he appears, no problem there! Even if other people think you're delusional, who cares? As long as you can see he's not right for you, and you move on, who cares whether he's good or bad or purple with green spots?
I'm at a loss on why you would be with a person that has no redeeming qualities. Is it the sex? I would get back into therapy pronto. Yes, there are some "bad seeds" and bad people which he is one of them. I really don't know what to say to you but move away, far away, from him and keep yourself busy and go to therapy to find out why you think this person is a good person.
I know it's easily to say and hard to do, but first and foremost, you need to leave for good. I just left an abusive marriage so I know just how hard it can be to leave. But it is something you have to do if you don't want things to stay the same forever or get worse overtime.
Abusive people are not truly bad people. They are good people that have had their own traumas and are carrying their own emotional pain, and because of that, they inflict pain on others. They have layers and layers of pain around their core humanness which causes them to be capable of being abusive to begin with. Most of the time they don't realize they are hurting others, or they are sucked so deep in their own pain that they have numbed themselves to a point that they can knowingly hurt others and not care.
It is common to tell yourself that it's not that bad, others have it worse, and so on. But even one abusive interaction is one too many. Any amount of abuse is bad. Many abuse victims justify the abuse because they don't want to believe how bad it really is or they don't want to realize how much they are hurting.
If he changes, it has to be for himself and not for you. As long as you are in his life, he will change on the surface in order to keep from losing you. But true change can only happen if it's out of his own desire for his own good. That basically means he won't change and can't change in a healthy way until you leave because as long as you are in the relationship letting him abuse you, you are in a way enabling him to continue his unhealthy patterns.
There are free counseling services. You can do an online search for free counseling.
I strongly encourage you to move out once and for all. Make sure to cut off all communication. That might sound draconian but it's easy to get sucked back in and any amount of communication can lead to being sucked back in. If you cut him off completely then you don't even risk having him suck you back in. You can then heal and grow on your own for your own self.
Seek emotional support from friends and family. They will help hold you while you leave this abuser. Don't isolate yourself (even if thats what your abuser is trying to do)
You are in the worst place in a relationship you can be. Why on earth have you let this go on for four years? Do you not love yourself one ounce? Get out of it and spend a lot of time in counseling. Good luck. I feel for you.
Why are you with this man? Please seek help and leave
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