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That is just it. Try to understand. You sister did get out and it took time, but she found a good man. No one is perfect. Are you?
i'm the farthest thing from perfect that there is. that's why i'm saying the things i'm saying. i can't judge someone that "stays" , i just need to try to understand the best i can and help them.
so i guess if we know someone in a situation like this we just need to try to help them and not judge.
yes, as everyone grows up in different circumstances. I can never understand why people do a lot of things, but who am I to judge. I guess some people are just more judgemental. I can see if people choose to be aholes, but no one chooses an abuser and says, gee I want to be with you. I was abused when younger. These things are hard wired into your psyche. Are you going to change what has been done to you in a day. I am at least trying. If life were so easy we would have no problems or no women's shelters. It pisses me off as it gives men a free pass to be abusers. How about stop blaming women for choosing abusers and questioning why society allows men an ok to do this!
so i guess if we know someone in a situation like this we just need to try to help them and not judge.
Oh, I hope it didn't come across that I was judging her. I'm not. I just don't understand her actions. I understand the wooing and the good guy in the beginning of the relationship and I understand the sex.
I also, Artsy, came from a bad background of abuse. My selection of men in the past has not been good at all. BUT because I saw so much abuse in my childhood, when the bad got really bad and I couldn't justify their behavior, it was time to go.
Now, I had children and that's what made me think of them and not me so that was my saving grace on getting out of these bad relationships.
As time goes on, I'm finding that I'm able to find the good guys and have healthier relationships with men.
You need to get away from him, get into your craft/art (if that's what you're into) and it's all about you now. You need to come to terms with your past and understand why you were attracted to this man in the first place. Once you find that out and be able to love yourself, you'll find yourself in much healthier relationships and friendships with men and women.
You know what, you all are right is was the SEX. But, I am sure there has got to be other men that can do that and who would treat me better. I know it sounds silly, but he is the first man who how should I put it, you know ladies, the O. Men do not understand that. Anyway, I wish to close this thread, as some of these men are making light of a serious issue of this when it is not. I realize I opened myself up for anything on these forums, but abuse is not funny. I did enjoy some other qualities he had, as abusers never abuse in the beginning. They woo you and treat you well, so that you later see the abuse and think that they will return to being kind and caring. This is why women and men also have a difficult time leaving these relationships. Stop blaming the victims. I do not believe anyone wants to be treated like this or enjoys it. It can happen to educated women, uneducated, smart, dumb, rich, poor, gay, straight. Its not about blaming the victim. The reason why victims or survivors I would call us, do not confide a lot in family in friends is because of the judgemental comments like why are you even with him, or whydon't you leave him, you are crazy or have low self esteem. This reminds me of the Las Vegas dancer who was killed and never spoke to her sister or family about the abusive relationship, and her sister said she had no problems etc. She would never be with a loser like an abusive man. Then she ended up dead. Victims do not confide as they are judged and treated like they are crazy for being with the abuser, as if they chose to be abused. These things happen and it does not happen in the beginning and abusers are very slick. I cannot confide in family or friends either, as I know I will be judged also, so I have no one, but counselors. Maybe just listen and stop judging, as you may one day find yourself or a family member in the same boat and then what will you do?
When people point out the obvious it is not judging, unless the person they point it out to refuses to accept the situation. Yes, the victim in this case becomes a knowing, informed victim. Think for a second if you told a person about a hazard such as a hot stove top. That person than deliberately puts their hand on it and gets burnt. At first you might be sympathetic and concerned about them be hurt, though you wonder why they did it. However, if they continue to put their hand on that hot stove again and again, being burnt over and over, now what is your response? If you are normal it is to say "Are you an idiot? Stop with the stove already."
So you now know the situation, others have told you about it, use your best judgment.
Oh, I hope it didn't come across that I was judging her. I'm not. I just don't understand her actions. I understand the wooing and the good guy in the beginning of the relationship and I understand the sex.
I also, Artsy, came from a bad background of abuse. My selection of men in the past has not been good at all. BUT because I saw so much abuse in my childhood, when the bad got really bad and I couldn't justify their behavior, it was time to go.
Now, I had children and that's what made me think of them and not me so that was my saving grace on getting out of these bad relationships.
As time goes on, I'm finding that I'm able to find the good guys and have healthier relationships with men.
You need to get away from him, get into your craft/art (if that's what you're into) and it's all about you now. You need to come to terms with your past and understand why you were attracted to this man in the first place. Once you find that out and be able to love yourself, you'll find yourself in much healthier relationships and friendships with men and women.
Good luck!
I know you are right. I was doing great in Florida and as I was 1400 miles away the temptation and chance of running into him was not there and I made the dumb mistake of moving back home. I was meeting friends and doing my thing and enjoying writing etc, but you know how these twits try to talk us into things. This time, I am not coming back, as I think I have learned. Sometimes it takes a village! I have to wait three more months for my lease to run out and now he is not around and if I see him I am running. He is so bad for me. I get high blood pressure and he is so irresponsible and steals money and will not work etc. I mean me and my Cat are better off. I am pretty indpendent anyway and he hated that. I cannot deal with control freaks. He also is on his way to a jail cell more than likely as his Mom said he was being investigated for some type of fraud in food stamps or something. I admit my mistakes and am glad to be gone. I just cannot break my lease and move yet, as it will screw my credit up. It will be here before long. He is so lazy and cheap he will never go to Florida! I am in Northern VA. He already made me lose my job here hanging around too much. I am glad I do not have kids with him, as my Mom dealt with my Dad and I know how awful and stressful that is. Thank God you took care of them and got rid of him. I applaud you!
I know you are right. I was doing great in Florida and as I was 1400 miles away the temptation and chance of running into him was not there and I made the dumb mistake of moving back home. I was meeting friends and doing my thing and enjoying writing etc, but you know how these twits try to talk us into things. This time, I am not coming back, as I think I have learned. Sometimes it takes a village! I have to wait three more months for my lease to run out and now he is not around and if I see him I am running. He is so bad for me. I get high blood pressure and he is so irresponsible and steals money and will not work etc. I mean me and my Cat are better off. I am pretty indpendent anyway and he hated that. I cannot deal with control freaks. He also is on his way to a jail cell more than likely as his Mom said he was being investigated for some type of fraud in food stamps or something. I admit my mistakes and am glad to be gone. I just cannot break my lease and move yet, as it will screw my credit up. It will be here before long. He is so lazy and cheap he will never go to Florida! I am in Northern VA. He already made me lose my job here hanging around too much. I am glad I do not have kids with him, as my Mom dealt with my Dad and I know how awful and stressful that is. Thank God you took care of them and got rid of him. I applaud you!
can you buy your way out of the lease? is so it would probably be worth the financial loss.
I know you are right. I was doing great in Florida and as I was 1400 miles away the temptation and chance of running into him was not there and I made the dumb mistake of moving back home. I was meeting friends and doing my thing and enjoying writing etc, but you know how these twits try to talk us into things. This time, I am not coming back, as I think I have learned. Sometimes it takes a village! I have to wait three more months for my lease to run out and now he is not around and if I see him I am running. He is so bad for me. I get high blood pressure and he is so irresponsible and steals money and will not work etc. I mean me and my Cat are better off. I am pretty indpendent anyway and he hated that. I cannot deal with control freaks. He also is on his way to a jail cell more than likely as his Mom said he was being investigated for some type of fraud in food stamps or something. I admit my mistakes and am glad to be gone. I just cannot break my lease and move yet, as it will screw my credit up. It will be here before long. He is so lazy and cheap he will never go to Florida! I am in Northern VA. He already made me lose my job here hanging around too much. I am glad I do not have kids with him, as my Mom dealt with my Dad and I know how awful and stressful that is. Thank God you took care of them and got rid of him. I applaud you!
Good for you! Go back to FL or wherever else you feel that you can have peace. My suggestion would be in the 3 months of being in NoVA, stay away from him, his mother and your mutual friends. Get a clean break right now while you're there.
Really, I could not put my kids through the crap like I went through as a kid. They really are my saviors from myself. Now, I look back at my old self and can't believe how much I must have really hated myself and had zero self worth.
As time goes on, you will have the strength, wisdom and love for yourself to have a great life.
i'm a much more reserved guy in person so i only screwed up one girls head up after my marriage and i'm glad. i feel bad to this day i told this woman i loved her.
but geez it sounds like you had some fun anyway. you re-married now?
I was pretty mean. I would get them to say "I love you" then be heading for the exit.
In my defense though, I was coming off an 18 year marriage where she told me "Patrick, I do love you" all the time, and from what I know now, five minutes later she might be heading for a rendezvous.
I will say this...if you're significant other is constantly referring to you in the formal version of your first name, not just when mad which is normal, but in every day conversation this CAN be a huge warning sign. Especially if you do it back to them and they throw a crap fit. Just think about that.
There were millions of signs retrospectively looking back on my marriage.
I did what most chumps do, rationalized that's just her way. The throwing annual birthday parties for her, her sometimes not even getting me a card...Never smiling showing any teeth, always tight lipped. Her posture. Her always putting me on defense. Her always getting me to do the dirty work of disciplining the kids. Right up to her suddenly dressing sexier just before the end.
That's why I immersed myself in body language, facial expression. I was stunned somebody had completely fooled me and manipulated me for so long. I learned all that stuff and for awhile used it to get even. To this day, 4 years after tiring of being in phony relationships, using people, exacting vengeance, a guy walking up to me one day and having a whole conversation about how have I been, hows my job going, how great it is to see me, what fun we had last time he saw me, and his hurt look as he suddenly realized...I DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE HELL HE WAS! And he said "Well I guess you always were kinda drunk when we hung out"
..I occasionally run into a woman I treated like crap and most don't hold it against me. They're just shocked that a bad guy would own up. But I truly was tired. I really wanted peace and love. I'm really good at spotting manipulation, because out of spite I became what I hated. I want to stress my feeling a lot of manipulators do what they do out of insecurity, not because they are evil. They're just doing what they do, as a defense mechanism. Yes my wife was awful to me, sneaky, cold, uncaring, controlling. But something made her that way. Same as my mom, her attraction to bad, uncaring men I attribute to her being raised by one. I used to think most people were just no damn good. I nowadays feel most people are hiding deep scars. But I can't fix anyone, only myself.
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