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Exactly. There never was a relationship, in fact. There was an awareness and a curiousity, of each other. But no relationship...not in the sense that most people think of.
Sorry, but I simply do not agree with the bolded item above (see also posts #409 and 410). It is your *opinion* that she and I were not in a relationship. Both my opinion (and I strongly believe, her view also, for the time duration in question at least), simply do not agree with your opinion, however. But saying your belief 100 times or so about it, doesn't make it automatically change from being an opinion into being a fact.
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 02-26-2011 at 10:21 PM..
Reason: Adds
when you have been in a 'real' relationship im talking minimum a year, then back to us. The LDR over the Internet meeting only 2 times in person DO NOT COUNT!!
Please see posts #409, 410, and 411. But if I can in fact succeed in having a relationship with someone for a year without any break-ups, I will gladly let you know.
I see that we have found a sensitive spot, you have been pretty open minded to what we have to say UNTIL we discuss the validity of your past relationship status(es). Interesting. When/if you actually have a real relationship you will see that those past online relationships were not the real deal IMHO. Do you know what its like to get into fights? Deal with MAJOR conflict? Actually Meet the Parents of your SO? Deal with money issues? Live together? Actually get past the initial stages of infatuation? My guess is no
Last edited by darrensmooth; 02-26-2011 at 11:59 PM..
Sorry, but I simply do not agree with the bolded item above (see also posts #409 and 410). It is your *opinion* that she and I were not in a relationship. Both my opinion (and I strongly believe, her view also, for the time duration in question at least), simply do not agree with your opinion, however. But saying your belief 100 times or so about it, doesn't make it automatically change from being an opinion into being a fact.
You ask this question of 100 people on the street, and I can already tell you the overwhelming majority will disagree that you had a "relationship". I'm not simply trying to state my opinion, I telling you...THIS IS PART OF YOUR PROBLEM. Anyone that can convince himself that he is in a relationship, having never met the girl, or only having met her a few times, is avoiding critical reasoning and logic. Therefore, I believe that this lack of reasoning is clearly evident in your persona - and most women will NOT find this an appealing trait.
Knight, this thread is now over 40 pages long. You have received a lot of opinions and suggestions, which you have acknowledged and apparently processed. Has anything changed for you? I fear you are living your life in your head, or in this thread. These pages are just the same statements over and over again, with your same acknowledgements and thanks. Are you going to do anything, or does Gilmartin hold some key to your shackles? This is your future we are talking about, and you don’t seem like you are doing anything about it.
I understand your point...but to be able to offer something "different", as you mention, it would be helpful to know exactly what in particular, women don't like, about me. As I believe I mentioned early on in the thread, I have never fully understood why specifically women dislike me so....
This is the real question. All the other stuff about love-shy and gays are simply dross.
Do women actually dislike you? From you description of your various encounters with them, I do not see a antipathy. I do see a overwhelming need for validation from women in general. I can only surmise that this is because of your poor relationship with your Mother. You are seeking as a child seeks for unqualified love and acceptance. Many people expect they can find this with a partner as adults. Too much of this is what probably drives the women away from you. You will not give them space.
You can not change your childhood all you can do is understand your need and work around it. Just do not cling to women like a lost cat clings to anyone willing to give it affection. At first it might boost their egos but after awhile it is too much responsibility for most to take on.
I understand your point...but to be able to offer something "different", as you mention, it would be helpful to know exactly what in particular, women don't like, about me. As I believe I mentioned early on in the thread, I have never fully understood why specifically women dislike me so. I'm certainly not a "mean" person, by any stretch of the imagination. I have been told by many people, that I am a kind and caring person. I genuinely try to help and be there for, ppl I care about. I am reasonably good-looking and successful. I don't understand why a lot of women may discount or disregard, most of those positive attributes.
Could it be that you are trying to get in with a too-popular crowd rather than looking for people who are more like you? You did mention that you tended to be attracted to very pretty, feminine girls. Those girls (though as with anything, your mileage will vary) tend to be more popular and sociable than those with traits society considers less appealing. Probably they are surrounded by more friends than they can even talk to. I wonder if your chances might be better if you looked for the shy girls, the awkward girls, the girls no one else is willing to talk to.
I also have to wonder if (as we've discussed before), the women you're attempting to befriend are picking up on the vibe that secretly, you would be delighted if something more than friendship came about between the two of you. Most people find it very awkward to have to turn away someone who professes romantic designs when they feel no attraction. Because of this, I have to wonder if perhaps they're sensing your interest (women are known for their intuition) and reacting harshly to get you to leave them alone.
Have you considered targeting other very shy people for potential friendships? Men and women? Often shy people can feel more comfortable around others of their species, so to speak .
Dr. Gilmartin's view was that straight young-adult male love-shys would want to have little or nothing to do with their same-gender counterparts, mostly b/c of the early- and intermediate-life mass rejection, hazing, and even bullying, they tend to face from them, while growing up. Further, male love-shys (including me) tend to have little to no interest at all in sports. Finally, I cannot consume alcohol, due to a medical condition.
Well, I think this is part of the issue. I think many women would see a red flag with a guy who didn't have any men amongst his friends. Furthermore, I would raise the question of whether you truly know how to be a friend with someone, or whether you subconsciously form what you consider to be friendships with women, always hoping that they will turn into something more. I think there's a fair chance that you could learn a lot from a friendship with another man. Are there not other shy men in your area? Other single guys who are kind of lonely? Other guys who share your interests? Not all men are interested in alcohol and sports. Additionally, it's easy enough to excuse why you can't drink. Just shrug and say, "Sorry, man, got a liver disorder and the doc won't let me." Then move past it and have a glass of water, acting like it's no big deal.
As a final note about "love-shys tend to have little interest in sports" and other such comments, I think it's critical that if people want to draw others to them in social settings, they need to cultivate some interests that are mainstream. This doesn't mean you have to love football, but it might mean that you should pick two athletic activities and try them. Maybe you join a running group twice a week. Maybe you go to the gym and get into lifting (both of which would be healthier, btw.) They don't have to be your favorite thing, but you could give them a try. It would give you something to talk about. If your only hobbies are stamp collecting and sci-fi, you might consider branching out into other areas more people enjoy so that you will have something in common to discuss. You could consider getting a pet, volunteering, joining a musical group like a choir or concert band... there are lots of options.
I see that we have found a sensitive spot, you have been pretty open minded to what we have to say UNTIL we discuss the validity of your past relationship status(es). Interesting. When/if you actually have a real relationship you will see that those past online relationships were not the real deal IMHO. Do you know what its like to get into fights? Deal with MAJOR conflict? Actually Meet the Parents of your SO? Deal with money issues? Live together? Actually get past the initial stages of infatuation?My guess is no
And the bolded portion above makes my point, for me. That's one of the major points of love-shyness -- the *notable absence", of romantic relationship experience.
Does someone expect a person to know how to electrically wire a house, if they're not a professional electrician? Can a person without any knowledge of how automobile internal components work, service a car?
It seems fundamentally unfair to expect a person, especially a love-shy male without much or perhaps even any real relationships experience, to be a pro at relationships already, and on the same level as non-shy men. It's a "chicken or egg" problem -- it seems that a lot of girls expect a love-shy guy to be relationships-savvy already, while at the same time not giving him an opportunity to actually gain that experience.
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 02-27-2011 at 11:41 AM..
Reason: Corrected typos
You ask this question of 100 people on the street, and I can already tell you the overwhelming majority will disagree that you had a "relationship". I'm not simply trying to state my opinion, I telling you...THIS IS PART OF YOUR PROBLEM. Anyone that can convince himself that he is in a relationship, having never met the girl, or only having met her a few times, is avoiding critical reasoning and logic. Therefore, I believe that this lack of reasoning is clearly evident in your persona - and most women will NOT find this an appealing trait.
Why are you trying to make this into a personal attack (lack of reasoning??)?
If you don't happen to like me very much as a person, I can deal with that...but you don't have to throw out verbal barbs like that, you know...geez...
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There never was a relationship, in fact. There was an awareness and a curiousity, of each other. But no relationship...not in the sense that most people think of.
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