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I'm separated from my husband due to his irresponsible behavior. I simply cannot take his lack of impulse control. He is 54 years old and has nothing to show for it. If it weren't for me he wouldn't have had a house, furniture or many of the other things normal adults have.
Early in our marriage, I tried to help him pay down his debt by giving money him (25k). But he blew the money and just kept accumulating more debt. So I stopped giving him money. Then, at his request, I set up a budget for him which would enable him to pay down his debt and start a savings, but he wouldn't stick to it, furious every time he couldn't get something he wanted.
He makes a good salary, but you could never tell. He changes jobs so often that he doesn't have any decent retirement savings. He cashed in his 401K to pay some bills, has no savings, etc.
He's addicted to technological gadgets and has to have every new Apple product that comes out; cars (of which he's wrecked two--which I paid for); etc. This is what most of his money goes to. In addition he has a large child support payment. Plus, he spoils his 13-yr-old daughter with all types of fancy tech gadgets: cell phones; laptops; iPods; music equipment, electronic games, etc.; and private lessons like horseback riding; ballet; fencing; ice skating; soccer; violin; chess; etc. The child does not appreciate these things and is careless with them, and constantly destroys them (which he promptly replaces), or she whines about all the lessons she has to go to. Her mother is into keeping up with the Joneses. And my husband just goes along with whatever the mother wants.
Sometimes he's so broke, he doesn't even have enough money for lunch until the next payday. The last time this happened, I felt sorry for him and gave him $20 (on a Monday night). This was supposed to last until he got paid on Thursday. As soon as he got the money he said he was going out to buy Chinese food for dinner! I pleaded with him not to, since we had a well-stocked refrigerator full of perfectly good leftovers--which is what I was planning to serve. But he just ignored me went out and bought Chinese food for almost $9.
We've done marriage counseling with several counselors, to no avail. Even the counselors don't know what more to advise. I've tried to exercise "tough love" so that I could accomplish some of my goals, e.g., saving for retirement, which is in 15 yrs. For example, I no longer give him money and maintain separate bank accounts from him. He is very bitter about this and moved out last fall. He claims that I don't care about him, so why should he stay? I do care, but I'm also frustrated because all he does is drag me down. He never thinks about the future--just lives for today. Although I don't want a divorce, I see that my actions are leading to this.
Many people have been telling me that this is part of what marriage is about--dealing with the faults and weaknesses of the other. That I am not being understanding enough and I'm shooting myself in the foot because at 50, I'm not likely to find another husband. That if I do find another husband, I'd just be trading in one set of bad habits for another, etc. The more I talk to other women, the more I find out that what I'm facing is nothing unusual.
Have I gone overboard with the tough love? Is there a point when tough love turns into uncaring? Am I being selfish and uncaring? Is there a way to save this marriage but still be able to fulfill my financial goals?
If anything you have been way too indulgent with this immature man.
Being irresponsible with money has extremes. The occasional mishap is acceptable if somewhat annoying, but his lack of self control and wanton spending is utterly deplorable.
Money issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce and he just pushed the envelope way too far for any normal person to accept.
I would divorce him. Make sure you have a good lawyer so he can't get his sticky mits on any of your money.
I'm separated from my husband due to his irresponsible behavior. I simply cannot take his lack of impulse control. He is 54 years old and has nothing to show for it. If it weren't for me he wouldn't have had a house, furniture or many of the other things normal adults have.
Early in our marriage, I tried to help him pay down his debt by giving money him (25k). But he blew the money and just kept accumulating more debt. So I stopped giving him money. Then, at his request, I set up a budget for him which would enable him to pay down his debt and start a savings, but he wouldn't stick to it, furious every time he couldn't get something he wanted.
He makes a good salary, but you could never tell. He changes jobs so often that he doesn't have any decent retirement savings. He cashed in his 401K to pay some bills, has no savings, etc.
He's addicted to technological gadgets and has to have every new Apple product that comes out; cars (of which he's wrecked two--which I paid for); etc. This is what most of his money goes to. In addition he has a large child support payment. Plus, he spoils his 13-yr-old daughter with all types of fancy tech gadgets: cell phones; laptops; iPods; music equipment, electronic games, etc.; and private lessons like horseback riding; ballet; fencing; ice skating; soccer; violin; chess; etc. The child does not appreciate these things and is careless with them, and constantly destroys them (which he promptly replaces), or she whines about all the lessons she has to go to. Her mother is into keeping up with the Joneses. And my husband just goes along with whatever the mother wants.
Sometimes he's so broke, he doesn't even have enough money for lunch until the next payday. The last time this happened, I felt sorry for him and gave him $20 (on a Monday night). This was supposed to last until he got paid on Thursday. As soon as he got the money he said he was going out to buy Chinese food for dinner! I pleaded with him not to, since we had a well-stocked refrigerator full of perfectly good leftovers--which is what I was planning to serve. But he just ignored me went out and bought Chinese food for almost $9.
We've done marriage counseling with several counselors, to no avail. Even the counselors don't know what more to advise. I've tried to exercise "tough love" so that I could accomplish some of my goals, e.g., saving for retirement, which is in 15 yrs. For example, I no longer give him money and maintain separate bank accounts from him. He is very bitter about this and moved out last fall. He claims that I don't care about him, so why should he stay? I do care, but I'm also frustrated because all he does is drag me down. He never thinks about the future--just lives for today. Although I don't want a divorce, I see that my actions are leading to this.
Many people have been telling me that this is part of what marriage is about--dealing with the faults and weaknesses of the other. That I am not being understanding enough and I'm shooting myself in the foot because at 50, I'm not likely to find another husband. That if I do find another husband, I'd just be trading in one set of bad habits for another, etc. The more I talk to other women, the more I find out that what I'm facing is nothing unusual.
Have I gone overboard with the tough love? Is there a point when tough love turns into uncaring? Am I being selfish and uncaring? Is there a way to save this marriage but still be able to fulfill my financial goals?
OP : did you have a similar story at some time in the last year ?
I am reading this and it seems soo familiar !
If you have not posted about this, my apologies...
It's like reading something I read before....Maybe you posted your story similar problem a few months back ?
OP : did you have a similar story at some time in the last year ?
I am reading this and it seems soo familiar !
If you have not posted about this, my apologies...
It's like reading something I read before....Maybe you posted your story similar problem a few months back ?
I've posted about other marital problems. But I haven't posted anything like this. Unfortunately, things have been getting progressively worse for the last couple of years. I'm at my wit's end.
I'm no doctor but you / he should talk to someone about Adult ADD. I have a mild version which works well for me but I'm somewhat compulsive and don't always use the best of judgment.
I put mine to good use being in sales but he may have difficulty focusing.
And I could be totally wrong but would consult a medicine man.
Sounds like you've done plenty to help your husband out of his messes. I would definately stop bailing him out and and start seperating your finances. Esp. if you end up divorcing.
Divorce is certainly a very last resort and isn't usually viewed as a solution but rather an inevitable end. To add to your advice collection, I believe that one of the first things you should do is, consider what it was initially that brought the two of you together. Did these problems surface immediately, or was there a steady decline in your husband's overall behavior and maturity level?
If you decide that there was once a stable relationship, then there is a point to return to, which would also indicate that something significantly affected the marriage at some point, creating a gradual lackadaisical attitude. If your husband's apparent underdeveloped sense of responsibility and accountability quickly diminished at the outset of the marriage, then I would simply allow your husband to make his choice. According to your story, you have been forced to bear the full weight of making sound financial decisions in your household which has seemingly produced a child-parent relationship instead of a healthy marriage. This makes it more than a matter of applying tough love, but rather, a matter of preserving your own mental well being as well.
I believe that you should continue to take a firm stance on financial matters, showing your love and affection toward your husband whenever possible, without compromising the financial integrity of your household. I believe that the immaturity displayed by your husband will eventually cause him to create his own ultimatum. He will either make the necessary changes, or his irresponsible lifestyle will cause him to develop a contempt for your stability, which may drive him away. Witnessing your consistent stability could also be somewhat emasculating. In any event, for what it's worth, I encourage you to stand firm on your principles.
Last edited by Pennsylvanian1; 03-07-2011 at 08:40 PM..
Divorce is certainly a very last resort and isn't usually viewed as a solution but rather an inevitable end. To add to your advice collection, I believe that one of the first things you should do is, consider what it was initially that brought the two of you together. Did these problems surface immediately, or was there a steady decline in your husband's overall behavior and maturity level?
If you decide that there was once a stable relationship, then there is a point to return to, which would also indicate that something significantly affected the marriage at some point, creating a gradual lackadaisical attitude. If your husband's apparent underdeveloped sense of responsibility and accountability quickly diminished at the outset of the marriage, then I would simply allow your husband to make his choice. According to your story, you have been forced to bear the full weight of making sound financial decisions in your household which has seemingly produced a child-parent relationship instead of a healthy marriage. This makes it more than a matter of applying tough love, but rather, a matter of preserving your own mental well being as well.
I believe that you should continue to take a firm stance on financial matters, showing your love and affection toward your husband whenever possible, without compromising the financial integrity of your household. I believe that the immaturity displayed by your husband will eventually cause him to create his own ultimatum. He will either make the necessary changes, or his irresponsible lifestyle will cause him to develop a contempt for your stability, which may drive him away. Witnessing your consistent stability could also be somewhat emasculating. In any event, for what it's worth, I encourage you to stand firm on your principles.
Very good post.
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De~ja~vu ?
