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Your parents made their own financial mess and they should not expect their child to bail them out. Maybe its time for them to realize they can no longer afford their home and they should use this time to reasses their financial situation. We are still in a resession and unfortunatelly your fathers business may never see a real upswing in his earning potential. Are you prepared to take your long awaited independence to become your parents, "parents"?
Selling their home and downsizing might be the best answer, resentment is a strong emotion that could damage even the best of relationships.
Your parents are in trouble and you're asking strangers about how to handle this situation involving your family
Not just strangers, but the oddity crowd of City-Data
You asked me how I will handle it if I were in your shoes. I'd flex every inch of my muscle to lift "my" family out of their financial mess. But that's just me, which is why I am going to become a great husband and an awesome Dad, like my father.
I knew before I read the thread you'd say this Ant. Remember though, you come from a different country and very different culture.
While anyone, even the most responsible people, can fall on bad times, it is not a childs place to "rescue" her parents when they do, UNLESS they are elderly or incapacitated and truly can't care for themselves.
In a situation like this one our OP has already "lent" her father thousands of dollars to help out.
She is under no obligation to move home to save her parents from their own poor choices.
Now, if they sit down as a family and mom and dad are willing to do some of the hard things they need to do to get back on track, AND our OP is interested in moving back with them to help them in their efforts for a specific period of time only, then I could support that.
But to move home while the bad decisions that got them where the are remain, then she would just be enabling them to continue down a path of financial ruin if she moved back.
Frankly, if I were truly desparate and HAD to seek financial help from someone else, I would sell my blood and everything I own before I'd put my kids in the awkward position of asking them for a penny.
As long as those aren't toxic family relationships.
Paying the utilities for all the household as the OP seems to have done is significantly different than paying just one's fair share. That alone should be a tremendous help to the parent's who actually signed the mortgage.
I am not for anyone outright contributing to a mortgage or significant house repars (roof replacement, etc...) until and unless they become a party invested legally in the title of the home and party to the mortgage on paper. At least in that way if the house is sold rather than foreclosed upon there is a potential for the return on part of the investment.
If on the otherhand the likelihood of foreclosure is so high that it would ruin the OP to be on the title & mortgage should the parents and her make such an arrangement then I think it is a very clear sign that the parents are already underwater and upside down in their mortgage that the only option is to sale or declare bankruptsy and delay foreclosure as long as possible while seeking other living accomodations (rent).
Mortgages are a business contract and need to be kept in that perspective rather than allowing the emotional wants/needs of the family relationship to cloud such an important decision and obligation. Much easier said than done. I wish the OP lots of luck. Seeking the advise of an accountant/financial planner may be in order before making any committment.
I am not for anyone outright contributing to a mortgage or significant house repars (roof replacement, etc...) until and unless they become a party invested legally in the title of the home and party to the mortgage on paper. At least in that way if the house is sold rather than foreclosed upon there is a potential for the return on part of the investment.
If on the otherhand the likelihood of foreclosure is so high that it would ruin the OP to be on the title & mortgage should the parents and her make such an arrangement then I think it is a very clear sign that the parents are already underwater and upside down in their mortgage that the only option is to sale or declare bankruptsy and delay foreclosure as long as possible while seeking other living accomodations (rent).
Mortgages are a business contract and need to be kept in that perspective rather than allowing the emotional wants/needs of the family relationship to cloud such an important decision and obligation. Much easier said than done. I wish the OP lots of luck. Seeking the advise of an accountant/financial planner may be in order before making any committment.
So the idea of renting shouldn't exist? Her mom was basically asking her to rent a room from them, which she honestly should have been doing the entire time she lived at home as an adult. Like I already pointed out, mathematically the amount she paid in utilities and the money she loaned isn't anywhere NEAR what she would have paid for rent in a similar situation.
Your entire post doesn't make sense, you're basically saying that people shouldn't rent properties. Renters are never legally invested in the mortgage or ownership of a property, yet they contribute to the house payment or significant repairs through the money they pay each month. Should people stop renting? And yes, it's applicable to this situation because her mom was asking her to actually pay rent to live there.
Most responsible adults don't live at home until they are 30 years old without paying their fair share of living expenses - which she did NOT do.
Sounds like mommy doesn't want you to get too far from the apron strings. Sounds like that is one of the reasons that you ended up staying so long.
You didn't put them in debt or buy them a home that they can't afford or a car that your mom can't afford. Having you as a child didn't make them commit bad financial choices. They did that on their own. Choosing to keep a car you can't afford or a home that you can barely make the payments on is a choice that is not related to having children, even if those children continued to live at home long past the normal leave date. (Is their such a thing?)
As parents they could have asked you to leave long ago. They could also have made other choices that they chose not to make.
If I were placed in a similar situation and my parents needed help I would offer to help if they offered to accept financial counseling. The car would have to go. Chances are the home would have to go also if it could not be paid off in a reasonable amount of time. I would also want to see a plan of action on how they are going to fix their problems.
Most responsible adults don't live at home until they are 30 years old without paying their fair share of living expenses - which she did NOT do.
Please get off your high horse. Most people don't move out at the age of 16 either. My parents were fine with me living there as long as I was working and/or going to school. They decided what was a "fair share" of living expenses for me to pay and I paid them. Just because I didn't move out on my own to some crummy apartment or find some roommates doesn't mean that I wasn't being a responsible adult. I just wasn't being an independent adult which is why I did decide to move out on my own when I felt the time was right.
I haven't read the posts from the other posters, so I don't know all of the advice you have received. But If you want a life of your own, you need to cut the ties to your parents. Their financial problems should not have to be your concern. You have given them money in the past, and if you continue to do that, you will be establishing a routine that will be hard to break. If you move back they will start to depend on your money instead of helping themselves, they will eventually make it impossible for you to leave again. Just don't do it. You shouldn't let them know how much money you make, but it is too late for that. Start putting your money into somekind of a retirement savings plan so you can tell them you have no money left over to lend/give them. Can you see that you are enabling their poor money handling abilities by giving them money? If you want happiness in your own life put a stop to this foolishness. I know it isn't going to be easy, but you have to develop a backbone and stand up to them. Your parents need to learn how to handle money, helping them financially is not teaching them to do anything except rely on you.
Please get off your high horse. Most people don't move out at the age of 16 either. My parents were fine with me living there as long as I was working and/or going to school. They decided what was a "fair share" of living expenses for me to pay and I paid them. Just because I didn't move out on my own to some crummy apartment or find some roommates doesn't mean that I wasn't being a responsible adult. I just wasn't being an independent adult which is why I did decide to move out on my own when I felt the time was right.
No they don't move out at 16. And?
That's great that your parents were fine with you living there, but that doesn't mean it's OK or the "grown up" thing to do.
Of course, I wanted to be responsible for myself. To each their own. Living at home with mommy and daddy well into adulthood would not be acceptable to me and I would never let my own child do that.
That's great that your parents were fine with you living there, but that doesn't mean it's OK or the "grown up" thing to do.
Of course, I wanted to be responsible for myself. To each their own. Living at home with mommy and daddy well into adulthood would not be acceptable to me and I would never let my own child do that.
That's fine, but please understand that not everyone has the same values that you do. I know how American society views adults who live at home, but in my family, my parents actively encouraged me to live there as long as I could because they felt that being responsible wasn't about running out and getting a place of your own just because you had reached a certain age. They wanted me to stay home and save as much money as I could, and since I'm their only daughter, they were worried about my safety and didn't feel comfortable with me living alone since I'm a single woman. Yes, despite what they told me, I had my own ideas about moving out on my own, but either way, it's just not your place to tell me that I wasn't being a "grown up" just because I wasn't paying a third of the mortgage. I'm grateful that they helped me to get off to a good financial start, but I don't believe that I owe them "back rent" because of the decisions they made.
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