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I'm new to City-Data forum. I have been looking to join a forum for many reasons. One of the main reasons is because of a situation I will be in shortly.
Very soon, I'll be moving in with my boyfriend and co-worker. I'm happy about this arrangement because we all get along very well and we all have fun together. What I'm not too thrilled about is my co-workers situation. In the spring she got out of her marriage. She hadn't even been married a year. Her husband was abusive both physically and emotionally, and he cheated on her many times. He even got another woman pregnant. As I said she left him in the spring and filed for a divorce and had to get a restraining order against him. Unfortunately, he was also the stalker, harasser, and alcoholic type. We all agreed to live together under the impression that he was out the picture forever. Recently I found out that she is back to talking to him and even wanting to make things work yet again. I have talked with my boyfriend and we both agree that we do not want him around the apartment. While she is a good friend of mine, I do not want any of us to be put in a dangerous situation. Nobody, absolutely nobody, likes or agrees with her decision to go back to him. We just don't want to see her get hurt.
My question is what is the best way to handle this delicate situation so she doesn't feel like we are turning on her or trying to drive her away? Her family has already turned on her because of her decision to work things out with him and I'm afraid she will feel like he is the only one she can go to...and I don't want that. I don't believe he will change. I don't like him and I don't trust him. I want to be there for her as a friend but it is hard knowing a man who was so horrible and controlling is back in her life. She believes he can change. I know it is her decision and she'll do what she wants to do but with something so serious, do I just sit around and wait for him to hurt her (or possibly someone else) again?
Sorry that is such a long post. Any suggestions or advice you have are appreciated.
You sound like a very caring friend. I would still be her friend, but I would absolutely not move in with her. If you do not live with her, you can see her as a friend without him around if they do get back together. If you live with her, he will be in your life and your home, and he definitely sounds like the kind of person you don't want in either!
I'm new to City-Data forum. I have been looking to join a forum for many reasons. One of the main reasons is because of a situation I will be in shortly.
Very soon, I'll be moving in with my boyfriend and co-worker. I'm happy about this arrangement because we all get along very well and we all have fun together. What I'm not too thrilled about is my co-workers situation. In the spring she got out of her marriage. She hadn't even been married a year. Her husband was abusive both physically and emotionally, and he cheated on her many times. He even got another woman pregnant. As I said she left him in the spring and filed for a divorce and had to get a restraining order against him. Unfortunately, he was also the stalker, harasser, and alcoholic type. We all agreed to live together under the impression that he was out the picture forever. Recently I found out that she is back to talking to him and even wanting to make things work yet again. I have talked with my boyfriend and we both agree that we do not want him around the apartment. While she is a good friend of mine, I do not want any of us to be put in a dangerous situation. Nobody, absolutely nobody, likes or agrees with her decision to go back to him. We just don't want to see her get hurt.
My question is what is the best way to handle this delicate situation so she doesn't feel like we are turning on her or trying to drive her away? Her family has already turned on her because of her decision to work things out with him and I'm afraid she will feel like he is the only one she can go to...and I don't want that. I don't believe he will change. I don't like him and I don't trust him. I want to be there for her as a friend but it is hard knowing a man who was so horrible and controlling is back in her life. She believes he can change. I know it is her decision and she'll do what she wants to do but with something so serious, do I just sit around and wait for him to hurt her (or possibly someone else) again?
Sorry that is such a long post. Any suggestions or advice you have are appreciated.
I've been in BOTH situations and positions....yours as a friend, and hers...going back to an idiot.
She won't listen to you, and has to find out for herself, and on her own.
You can't live life for her, and love is truly blind...and deaf......
The only thing you can do is, be the friend you claim you are, and let her know, you'll be there for her, NO MATTER WHAT SHE DECIDES OF DOING!!!
I'm new to City-Data forum. I have been looking to join a forum for many reasons. One of the main reasons is because of a situation I will be in shortly.
Very soon, I'll be moving in with my boyfriend and co-worker. I'm happy about this arrangement because we all get along very well and we all have fun together. What I'm not too thrilled about is my co-workers situation. In the spring she got out of her marriage. She hadn't even been married a year. Her husband was abusive both physically and emotionally, and he cheated on her many times. He even got another woman pregnant. As I said she left him in the spring and filed for a divorce and had to get a restraining order against him. Unfortunately, he was also the stalker, harasser, and alcoholic type. We all agreed to live together under the impression that he was out the picture forever. Recently I found out that she is back to talking to him and even wanting to make things work yet again. I have talked with my boyfriend and we both agree that we do not want him around the apartment. While she is a good friend of mine, I do not want any of us to be put in a dangerous situation. Nobody, absolutely nobody, likes or agrees with her decision to go back to him. We just don't want to see her get hurt.
My question is what is the best way to handle this delicate situation so she doesn't feel like we are turning on her or trying to drive her away? Her family has already turned on her because of her decision to work things out with him and I'm afraid she will feel like he is the only one she can go to...and I don't want that. I don't believe he will change. I don't like him and I don't trust him. I want to be there for her as a friend but it is hard knowing a man who was so horrible and controlling is back in her life. She believes he can change. I know it is her decision and she'll do what she wants to do but with something so serious, do I just sit around and wait for him to hurt her (or possibly someone else) again?
Sorry that is such a long post. Any suggestions or advice you have are appreciated.
I've been in BOTH situations and positions....yours as a friend, and hers...going back to an idiot.
She won't listen to you, and has to find out for herself, and on her own.
You can't live life for her, and love is truly blind...and deaf......
The only thing you can do is, be the friend you claim you are, and let her know, you'll be there for her, NO MATTER WHAT SHE DECIDES OF DOING!!!
Make it VERY clear, however, that is will never be welcome or allowed at the house/ apartment you guys are sharing.....and if SHE is a good friend, she will never impose.
It's a trust issue now...between good friends, and unfortunately will be a "testing" point on how good of a "friend" she is, or will she "sell you down the river" ?(meaning bring him around, or into the house, against your wishes?)
It remains to be seen.....
I would stick by her but insist you don't want him around the apartment. If she chooses to still go back with him, just make sure she knows that when she wises up, you will be there for her. I would suggest to her that she should wait to decide until he has had some help.
We have already signed the lease so we'll be moving in together for sure. While I don't like the situation, I want to do this so she has a more supportive environment. And I will continue to be her friend and be there for her no matter what; I know that is really important, not only as a friend in general, but also during a special circumstance like this.
I have discussed with her that we don't want him around and she said she understands that and respects that. She won't bring him over if we aren't comfortable with it. Now I'm wondering if she'll spend more time at his house and I'm not sure if I like that either since I know what he has done and what he can do. A very small part of me wants him around we can keep an eye on him while a bigger part of me doesn't want him around at all. Does that make sense?
[quote=La Raena;1140961] what is the best way to handle this delicate situation so she doesn't feel like we are turning on her or trying to drive her away...and I'm afraid she will feel like he is the only one she can go to.../QUOTE]
You make an excellent point: that in the event your friend feels abandoned by everyone, it will further compell her back to the ex-husband. I think I would either choose to not live with her if she is going to end up reunited with him, or, in the event that is not an option, then I think you need to talk to her. Honestly. (And calmly.) I think by virtue of the fact that you are extremely articulate in what you have written here, that you are probably someone who is able to communicate to her in a calm manner what your concerns are.
Personally, from what you have said, I would not feel comfortable sharing a living space with her, for the reasons you mentioned. (Why not just move in with your boyfriend, without her?) I think it would be safest for everyone all ways around. In the event you decide it is better that she not live with you, then you have to convey that to her in such a way that you are able to get your point across, but more importantly, that she "hears" it. I would simply tell her that you are concerned about her, that it is not advisable that you all live together given the present circumstances, but that you will continue to "be there for her" as a close friend. I truly suspect that in the end, she is "going to do what she is going to do," and she may very well "need" (on some level) to play this whole nasty affair out...I am genuinelly not sure what, if anything, you can do to actually "prevent" that. It sounds like something she has to eventually come to on her own.
stay away, like everyone says...my girlfriend married a looser...he always made me nervous...one night she had me for a birthday dinner, mine, we all drank wine...she passed out, I for some reason drove home....on the way home, this car kept passing me and slowing down, I didn't know who it was, so I pulled into a well lit resturant and was so angry cuz the car had the nerve to follow me in there. I got out of my car ready to kick you know what, I had a baseball bat...(I was very young and foolish) It was her husband...man did I see red....and I hit him...in the arm...hard.
So do not live with them...he is trouble with a capital T.
It really does not matter if he's a bad guy or good, it's never good to put yourself in that situation, it's going to be a real pain.
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