Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
a true friend isnt an enabler,,its easy to say "be there" no matter what,,if you see your friend heading for a cliff,,do you hold her hand,,til she falls,,or do you scream..LOOK OUT YOU WILL GET HURT!!!!!!!!!!(stop!!)
if the guy is such a loser, and she has such poor self esteem,,to be with the ass,,then someone should shake her,,,and tell her shes much better than that,,sounds harsh?? like you will alienate a friend?
well, you know what will play out here, she will fall back to being abused,,and lean on your shoulder, all bruised up,,and you will feel totally helpless,,then she will tell you,,that if she leaves him,,he will kill himself or her,,
i'll never ever understand why decent girls not only fall for losers, but go back to them,,,and if she cant see the forest from the trees then be FRIEND enough to educate her,,,,no different than if that same friend got behind the wheel of a car after a party,(drunk),and as a friend, you insisted to take the keys away for her own good,,,of course she is angry with you,,but you know you are right,,(how would you feel,,if you were trying to be a good friend,,not take her keys,,and she runs over someone?)
i've been on all sides of this situation (except the psycho, abusive boyfriend)
and i was silent too many times when i knew they were heading in a grave situation,,,if i had to do it over again,,,id scream at my friends, yes maybe theyd get upset,,or hurt our friendship,,,but they are the ones heading for a crash,,im trying to be the lighthouse, warn them,,and can always keep a clean conscience,,,ive seen 4 girls,,almost dead because of an abusive boyfriend,,(aint it funny i got the call AFTERWARDS, when they needed help)
if i spoke my mind when i wanted to,,maybe she would have avoided the ass..
who in there right mind would go back to a known abuser???
because shes not in her right mind,,a true friend would set her straight,,,
just my two cents,,(dont throw rocks at me!)
a true friend is about giving,,not receiving,,what you need to give her is some common sense,,cause very apparantly,,she has none,,,,you are much more objective,,,use that objectivity!!
We have already signed the lease so we'll be moving in together for sure. While I don't like the situation, I want to do this so she has a more supportive environment. And I will continue to be her friend and be there for her no matter what; I know that is really important, not only as a friend in general, but also during a special circumstance like this.
I have discussed with her that we don't want him around and she said she understands that and respects that. She won't bring him over if we aren't comfortable with it. Now I'm wondering if she'll spend more time at his house and I'm not sure if I like that either since I know what he has done and what he can do. A very small part of me wants him around we can keep an eye on him while a bigger part of me doesn't want him around at all. Does that make sense?
"because i consider you a great friend, i care about you and your well-being,,i just cannot accept or understand,,why on earth you would go back to a known abuser" dont you remember being hit? screamed at? you are much better than that,,there's alot of great guys out there that will treat you very well!! dont be upset with me, because i believe and care about you,,more than you do yourself" now, stop punishing yourself, because you dont think you can do better than that loser!!!
try something like that,,, it seem to work,,with a few woman i had a heart to heart talk with,,
if i spoke my mind when i wanted to,,maybe she would have avoided the ass..
maybe, maybe not? But don't beat yourself up hun, at the time, we do do what we think is best....you cared and are not only a gentle man, but an understanding one, so they felt safe to call you....
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman
a true friend is about giving,,not receiving,,what you need to give her is some common sense,,cause very apparantly,,she has none,,,,you are much more objective,,,use that objectivity!!
you are correct...adding one more thing...if you tell her and she gets angry and she will cause human beings are always looking for permission to be happy and you disappove...she's going to naturally hurt, but better she hurt like that, then be hurt by him...he will drain her of everything...and so, if she walks away from you, let her go, and if she doesn't return, she was not your friend. Remember, she is going to do what she wants, she is apparently hungry to be loved...therefore, she very well, may turn away from you...then you must let her go and go foreward...but is she comes back, stand your ground...tell her she needs professional help b/c she thinks so little of herself, and if she feels that way about herself, she feels that way about everyone around her...
My question is what is the best way to handle this delicate situation so she doesn't feel like we are turning on her or trying to drive her away? Her family has already turned on her because of her decision to work things out with him and I'm afraid she will feel like he is the only one she can go to...and I don't want that. I don't believe he will change. I don't like him and I don't trust him. I want to be there for her as a friend but it is hard knowing a man who was so horrible and controlling is back in her life. She believes he can change. I know it is her decision and she'll do what she wants to do but with something so serious, do I just sit around and wait for him to hurt her (or possibly someone else) again?
Sorry that is such a long post. Any suggestions or advice you have are appreciated.[/QUOTE]
The bottom line is that her family hasn't ababdened her she thinks they have because they tried to talk some common sense into her head and she doesn't want to hear it, she wants to go back with him or she wouldn't be considering it.
If you get involved she will end up thinking your agians't her to, she needs to make up her own mind and no matter what you say to her won't change that.
I learned a long time ago when dealing with friends and realitives with their relationships it's best to speak your opinion and back off. Our family went through the same thing and now my sister in-law doesn't have anything to do with her sisters, she went back to her butt hole husband and thinks everone was agians't her. The best thing she could do is go to counceling, people tend to accept an outside opinion better than friends and family.
There's nothing you can do to help your friend...she just has to keep messing up until she learns on her own. I have a friend who was going through the same type of situation. She was engaged to a guy who was mentally abusive and a philanderer. It took a pregnancy scare for her to see the light. He bailed when she told him she thought she was pregnant, thankfully she wasn't.
It's obvious that you care a lot about your friend, but you can not put her friendship ahead of your and your fiance's safety. You also have to think about how your relationship with her may negatively impact your relationship with your fiance. If I were in your shoes, I'd drop the friend until she's no longer in an abusive relationship.
Thanks...all the replies I got are pretty much what I thought but I feel better knowing other people think it is the best way to handle this as well.
I'll tell her what I think, that I'll be her friend and be there for her, and then let her make her own decisions. Maybe those of you who said she needs to figure this out the hard way are right. I just hope she doesn't get seriously hurt
If you live with her you will have to assume the roll of protector,chances are ,at one time or another you'll have to defend her from him. Are you up to it? Be frank with her,it's not fair for her to put YOU in a situation that you don't want and didn't ask for.
Thanks...all the replies I got are pretty much what I thought but I feel better knowing other people think it is the best way to handle this as well.
I'll tell her what I think, that I'll be her friend and be there for her, and then let her make her own decisions. Maybe those of you who said she needs to figure this out the hard way are right. I just hope she doesn't get seriously hurt
That's the best thing you can do for her. Unfortunately, abusive people can be very charismatic and persuasive when they are in their "nice mode". She really wants him to be different and he'll portray himself as being a changed man in order to convince her, but the old self will surface again and when it does she'll need someone to help her.
Don't be surprised if he does some or all of the following:
1. convinces her that it's her fault that she gets abused by him
2. alienates her from her family, friends, and others who support her
3. convinces her no one else would want her
4. cries, sends flowers, writes love notes, etc. after he abuses her again and begs for forgiveness
5. says he can't live without her and tries to get her pregnant to guarantee he'll always be a part of her life
My thoughts are with you and I hope she sees the light before it's too late.
We have already signed the lease so we'll be moving in together for sure. While I don't like the situation, I want to do this so she has a more supportive environment. And I will continue to be her friend and be there for her no matter what; I know that is really important, not only as a friend in general, but also during a special circumstance like this.
I have discussed with her that we don't want him around and she said she understands that and respects that. She won't bring him over if we aren't comfortable with it. Now I'm wondering if she'll spend more time at his house and I'm not sure if I like that either since I know what he has done and what he can do. A very small part of me wants him around we can keep an eye on him while a bigger part of me doesn't want him around at all. Does that make sense?
Bad idea. Can you get out of the lease?
This is going to be a bad scene and you can get sucked into it. You have gotten sucked into it.
I've known plenty of IQ-intelligent/common-sense dumb women who continued going back to the worst, abusive creeps time after time. Druggies, drunks, batterers, bums, general slimebags.
Some support them, it gets down to the rescue instinct and these guys can spot a sucker a mile away, as most sociopaths can.
You do not want to meet this guy, you do not want him in your residence. You're falling into the same trap she is falling into. He will have two victims instead of one.
He's a player and a ne'er-do-well, he will not change and she's wasting her time and energy expecting different. So are you if you have any expectations of him.
She might as well expect the road to change course as this guy changing.
RUN!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
