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Old 04-13-2011, 08:22 PM
 
2 posts, read 21,372 times
Reputation: 13
Default Adult son and controlling girlfriend - what is there to do?

Hi everyone,

I've read a lot of posts on this forum, and after some thought I decided to post my problem.

My son has been with the same girl for six years (he's in his 20s). When they were first together, I thought she was great. She's quite smart, seems friendly enough, and is about to start her Master's degree.

The problem is, after they'd been together for about a year, she and her mother became insanely possessive of my son. For example, when they were still 17, they'd be at my house, and her mother would come and pick them up and take them to their house without letting me know. Their excuse would be that they just felt like going over there, but honestly, I felt that something fishy was going on there. I felt like they were sneaking around behind my back. This would happen ALL THE TIME. Why should they want to be over at her house all time and never at my son's home??

The girlfriend also got increasingly rude toward me. She didn't want me to have any time alone with my son. She was ALWAYS over. She would show up when I told her that my son was doing homework and couldn't leave, and she'd meet him outside and they'd go for a "walk" (gone for hours and hours).

Then, suddenly, on his 18th birthday, he COMPLETELY cut contact with me and my husband. Since then (five years ago), the only contact he has had with us is to demand that we give him money from an inheritance account that my mother left him for college. Yes, this is his money, but this is literally the only contact he has had with us. He lives right now with his girlfriend and her parents. We have shown up at their house several times and demanded to have contact with our son because we are just so worried about him. The girlfriend or her parents will answer the door and tell us that he isn't home, which we know is a lie.

Also, the girlfriend is convinced that we abused our son. She has called us child abusers several times. I don't know what lies my son told them, but we were very strict parents who always deeply loved our wonderful son. His wicked girlfriend's words hurt us so much because we care about our son so much. How dare she accuse us of anything.

We are just terrified of what will happen to our son. He is so deeply entrenched in this relationship. He believes everything they say and has abandoned the foundation of morals and ethics that we always made sure to enforce. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, I'm just really upset. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting.
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Old 04-13-2011, 08:26 PM
 
2 posts, read 21,372 times
Reputation: 13
I forgot to mention -- his girlfriend is moving away in June. I don't know what he is going to do, and none of them will talk to me. I am terrified that I won't know where my son is and what he's doing. I'm also afraid that since his girlfriend is obviously emotionally manipulative, will he be able to survive on "his own?" I'm going to go crazy wondering what is going on with him. I just hope they break up and he can finally remember how respectful and reasonable he used to be.
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Old 04-13-2011, 08:36 PM
 
2,596 posts, read 2,618,172 times
Reputation: 3878
At this point, I'm not sure what can be done. To be honest, I don't really see how this has much of anything to do with his girlfriend. It sounds like your son has put this distance in place on purpose.

Is it possible that he views his childhood and relationship with you in a different light than you do? One person's "strict" can be another's pretty tough childhood. That would explain, perhaps, why he wanted to spend more time over at her house. It's a natural thing during the later teen years to want more independence, and perhaps he found that there.

Have you considered talking to him, asking him to talk to you about what is bothering him and truly listening? If he feels you were too overbearing, that might be something you can heal from, but not if you and your husband are refusing to respect him as an adult, showing up to try to force your way into the house he's living in, telling him to get rid of the girlfriend he clearly wants to be with. It's sometimes a hard thing to accept, but he's 18. He gets to choose how he wants to live his life as an adult. If you want to be a part of it, you may have to change what you're doing.
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:30 PM
 
2,728 posts, read 2,590,153 times
Reputation: 1905
Quote:
Originally Posted by VioletDreams View Post
Hi everyone,

I've read a lot of posts on this forum, and after some thought I decided to post my problem.

My son has been with the same girl for six years (he's in his 20s). When they were first together, I thought she was great. She's quite smart, seems friendly enough, and is about to start her Master's degree.

The problem is, after they'd been together for about a year, she and her mother became insanely possessive of my son. For example, when they were still 17, they'd be at my house, and her mother would come and pick them up and take them to their house without letting me know. Their excuse would be that they just felt like going over there, but honestly, I felt that something fishy was going on there. I felt like they were sneaking around behind my back. This would happen ALL THE TIME. Why should they want to be over at her house all time and never at my son's home??

The girlfriend also got increasingly rude toward me. She didn't want me to have any time alone with my son. She was ALWAYS over. She would show up when I told her that my son was doing homework and couldn't leave, and she'd meet him outside and they'd go for a "walk" (gone for hours and hours).

Then, suddenly, on his 18th birthday, he COMPLETELY cut contact with me and my husband. Since then (five years ago), the only contact he has had with us is to demand that we give him money from an inheritance account that my mother left him for college. Yes, this is his money, but this is literally the only contact he has had with us. He lives right now with his girlfriend and her parents. We have shown up at their house several times and demanded to have contact with our son because we are just so worried about him. The girlfriend or her parents will answer the door and tell us that he isn't home, which we know is a lie.

Also, the girlfriend is convinced that we abused our son. She has called us child abusers several times. I don't know what lies my son told them, but we were very strict parents who always deeply loved our wonderful son. His wicked girlfriend's words hurt us so much because we care about our son so much. How dare she accuse us of anything.

We are just terrified of what will happen to our son. He is so deeply entrenched in this relationship. He believes everything they say and has abandoned the foundation of morals and ethics that we always made sure to enforce. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, I'm just really upset. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting.
You don't like your son's choices. That is your problem, not his. You can either (A) respect his choices or (B) tell him why you don't like them. If you go with choice B, tell him once what you don't like and why you don't like it and be done with it. Enjoy whatever time he is willing to spend with you. If you try to do or say anything more, you will appear controlling.

When I hear that parents "enforced" morals and ethics, the first thing that comes to mind is fear. The parents are fearful that the child won't learn morals and ethics unless they are enforced. This is usually done aggressively which some people like to say is merely being "strict." It sounds like the foundation of your relationship was based on fear.
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Old 04-14-2011, 02:08 PM
 
1,083 posts, read 1,356,784 times
Reputation: 858
I have to support what the other posts have already said. While it must be devastating for you to have in essence lost your son, he is an adult and there is nothing you can do about the choices he makes now. You continuing to push the issue will not change his mind. What you CAN do is always remain open for him to contact you down the road if he decides that is what he wants.

As an adult who has cut off contact with my own parents, I would say that you really do need to respect his decision. Everyone has their reasons for making certain choices. I know if someone were to ask my mom, she would say that she was a great mom (and a very strict mom who deeply loved me). Everyone has different perspectives.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:14 PM
Status: "It's getting cold!" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: ATL suburb
1,306 posts, read 2,449,020 times
Reputation: 1237
Quote:
Originally Posted by VioletDreams View Post
Hi everyone,

I've read a lot of posts on this forum, and after some thought I decided to post my problem.

My son has been with the same girl for six years (he's in his 20s). When they were first together, I thought she was great. She's quite smart, seems friendly enough, and is about to start her Master's degree.

The problem is, after they'd been together for about a year, she and her mother became insanely possessive of my son. For example, when they were still 17, they'd be at my house, and her mother would come and pick them up and take them to their house without letting me know. Their excuse would be that they just felt like going over there, but honestly, I felt that something fishy was going on there. I felt like they were sneaking around behind my back. This would happen ALL THE TIME. Why should they want to be over at her house all time and never at my son's home??

The girlfriend also got increasingly rude toward me. She didn't want me to have any time alone with my son. She was ALWAYS over. She would show up when I told her that my son was doing homework and couldn't leave, and she'd meet him outside and they'd go for a "walk" (gone for hours and hours).

Then, suddenly, on his 18th birthday, he COMPLETELY cut contact with me and my husband. Since then (five years ago), the only contact he has had with us is to demand that we give him money from an inheritance account that my mother left him for college. Yes, this is his money, but this is literally the only contact he has had with us. He lives right now with his girlfriend and her parents. We have shown up at their house several times and demanded to have contact with our son because we are just so worried about him. The girlfriend or her parents will answer the door and tell us that he isn't home, which we know is a lie.

Also, the girlfriend is convinced that we abused our son. She has called us child abusers several times. I don't know what lies my son told them, but we were very strict parents who always deeply loved our wonderful son. His wicked girlfriend's words hurt us so much because we care about our son so much. How dare she accuse us of anything.

We are just terrified of what will happen to our son. He is so deeply entrenched in this relationship. He believes everything they say and has abandoned the foundation of morals and ethics that we always made sure to enforce. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, I'm just really upset. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting.
There's something that either you're not telling us, or he hasn't told you. The girlfriend and her mother did not become "insanely possessive." Either you perceive it to be that way or they became "protective" for some reason. You say that they found excuses not to be at your home. Are you sure HE wasn't the one who didn't want to be there? And as soon as he turned 18, he left? He did that for a reason. He completely cut off contact? Yeah, he did that for a reason too.

You are focusing on the wrong person. You keep putting the blame on the girl and her mother. Your son, even at 17 or 18, was old enough to come to the conclusion that he needed to get the heck outta dodge. I don't believe this girl would make the comments that she has unless someone gave her a reason to, ie, your son.

So, you can either keep blaming this girl for your troubles or ask your son what caused your relationship with him to suffer. He's a grown man. You cannot "do" anything. But you can attempt to find out what went wrong and start taking steps to repair the relationship.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:32 PM
 
589 posts, read 1,114,742 times
Reputation: 976
Did your son graduate high school and go on to college? I'm just curious if he used his inheritance money for college or if he is supporting the other family with it? I'm sorry that you are upset with this situation- I would be too-I have a son about the same age -what an odd situation-
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:30 AM
 
2,728 posts, read 2,590,153 times
Reputation: 1905
Quote:
Originally Posted by anadyr21 View Post
There's something that either you're not telling us, or he hasn't told you. The girlfriend and her mother did not become "insanely possessive." Either you perceive it to be that way or they became "protective" for some reason. You say that they found excuses not to be at your home. Are you sure HE wasn't the one who didn't want to be there? And as soon as he turned 18, he left? He did that for a reason. He completely cut off contact? Yeah, he did that for a reason too.

You are focusing on the wrong person. You keep putting the blame on the girl and her mother. Your son, even at 17 or 18, was old enough to come to the conclusion that he needed to get the heck outta dodge. I don't believe this girl would make the comments that she has unless someone gave her a reason to, ie, your son.

So, you can either keep blaming this girl for your troubles or ask your son what caused your relationship with him to suffer. He's a grown man. You cannot "do" anything. But you can attempt to find out what went wrong and start taking steps to repair the relationship.
While I agree with your overall message (parents need to look to themselves), I don't agree with the girlfriend's behavior. A controlling person can also detect other controlling people but don't see the behavior as controlling. Sometimes they simply believe they are just caring or worrying and trying to protect from a bad person.

The mother and son may not be friends but they are still mother and son. The mother has good intentions, she wants the best for her son. The girlfriend has good intentions, she doesn't want her boyfriend controlled by his mother. They both need to start respecting his decisions. That is what friendship is about, respecting the other person's ability to care for himself. If the mother does not have a friendship with her son, she did not raise him to be a person she can respect. That is her problem but she is still his mother.
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:53 AM
 
Location: colorado
2,791 posts, read 2,445,073 times
Reputation: 3222
Quote:
Originally Posted by VioletDreams View Post
Hi everyone,

I've read a lot of posts on this forum, and after some thought I decided to post my problem.

My son has been with the same girl for six years (he's in his 20s). When they were first together, I thought she was great. She's quite smart, seems friendly enough, and is about to start her Master's degree.

The problem is, after they'd been together for about a year, she and her mother became insanely possessive of my son. For example, when they were still 17, they'd be at my house, and her mother would come and pick them up and take them to their house without letting me know. Their excuse would be that they just felt like going over there, but honestly, I felt that something fishy was going on there. I felt like they were sneaking around behind my back. This would happen ALL THE TIME. Why should they want to be over at her house all time and never at my son's home??

The girlfriend also got increasingly rude toward me. She didn't want me to have any time alone with my son. She was ALWAYS over. She would show up when I told her that my son was doing homework and couldn't leave, and she'd meet him outside and they'd go for a "walk" (gone for hours and hours).

Then, suddenly, on his 18th birthday, he COMPLETELY cut contact with me and my husband. Since then (five years ago), the only contact he has had with us is to demand that we give him money from an inheritance account that my mother left him for college. Yes, this is his money, but this is literally the only contact he has had with us. He lives right now with his girlfriend and her parents. We have shown up at their house several times and demanded to have contact with our son because we are just so worried about him. The girlfriend or her parents will answer the door and tell us that he isn't home, which we know is a lie.

Also, the girlfriend is convinced that we abused our son. She has called us child abusers several times. I don't know what lies my son told them, but we were very strict parents who always deeply loved our wonderful son. His wicked girlfriend's words hurt us so much because we care about our son so much. How dare she accuse us of anything.

We are just terrified of what will happen to our son. He is so deeply entrenched in this relationship. He believes everything they say and has abandoned the foundation of morals and ethics that we always made sure to enforce. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, I'm just really upset. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting.

I think you were too controlling...you tried to control his whole life..He found someone who broke him from that..He will come back if its that bad. Leave him alone let him learn on his own...He is not a baby.
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:57 AM
 
Location: colorado
2,791 posts, read 2,445,073 times
Reputation: 3222
Quote:
Originally Posted by VioletDreams View Post
I forgot to mention -- his girlfriend is moving away in June. I don't know what he is going to do, and none of them will talk to me. I am terrified that I won't know where my son is and what he's doing. I'm also afraid that since his girlfriend is obviously emotionally manipulative, will he be able to survive on "his own?" I'm going to go crazy wondering what is going on with him. I just hope they break up and he can finally remember how respectful and reasonable he used to be.

Wow..no wonder he dont talk to you..cant blame him now
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