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We have asked MIL to come visit us on many occasions and she has said she would like to come this summer but hasn't set a date. We have offered to pay for her ticket. The last time she came to see us (a few years ago) she got ticked because I won't let her smoke in the house. After that she doesn't like to stay with me. (I have two severe asthmatic children and smoke is a trigger for them so I can't be flexible on that rule).
This is not the first rodeo with my SIL. The last family function she and my hubby got into a huge fight over her not including the children or me because we weren't "family". It's always something. My husband doesn't want to ruin "mom's day" by getting into an arguement with his sister. He also doesn't want to disappoint mom by being the only child not there. As my own children are getting older and away at college, I have a special place in my heart for times when we are all together and it makes me sympathetic to his mom wanting the same thing. (eventhough it is a surprise).
As far as work goes...this is a manager's weekend. All expenses paid and a very, very nice place, food, entertainment etc. Something that we could never afford on our own. It is the only weekend of the year where we are not with at least one of our kids and it is nice to have a little time to be a couple. It is also bonding time for the management team. It is not essential, but it is important. Last year we had to miss it because we had a child who was very sick. Missing two years in a row will not look good.
We have asked MIL to come visit us on many occasions and she has said she would like to come this summer but hasn't set a date. We have offered to pay for her ticket. The last time she came to see us (a few years ago) she got ticked because I won't let her smoke in the house. After that she doesn't like to stay with me. (I have two severe asthmatic children and smoke is a trigger for them so I can't be flexible on that rule).
This is not the first rodeo with my SIL. The last family function she and my hubby got into a huge fight over her not including the children or me because we weren't "family". It's always something. My husband doesn't want to ruin "mom's day" by getting into an arguement with his sister. He also doesn't want to disappoint mom by being the only child not there. As my own children are getting older and away at college, I have a special place in my heart for times when we are all together and it makes me sympathetic to his mom wanting the same thing. (eventhough it is a surprise).
As far as work goes...this is a manager's weekend. All expenses paid and a very, very nice place, food, entertainment etc. Something that we could never afford on our own. It is the only weekend of the year where we are not with at least one of our kids and it is nice to have a little time to be a couple. It is also bonding time for the management team. It is not essential, but it is important. Last year we had to miss it because we had a child who was very sick. Missing two years in a row will not look good.
If she asked for smoking with two asthmatic kids in the house, forget the fact that they are even grandkids, your MIL is a seriously self-absorbed idiot
Go on the company manager's weekend with your husband. Send your MIL a nice gift and write a little note saying how you would have loved to attend but couldn't due to schedule conflicts. Leave it alone after that...sibling rivalry is crazy I tell ya. I have not experienced it since my brothers and I are so uniquely different but I have friends in their 50's and 60's still going through tantrums...
We have asked MIL to come visit us on many occasions and she has said she would like to come this summer but hasn't set a date. We have offered to pay for her ticket. The last time she came to see us (a few years ago) she got ticked because I won't let her smoke in the house. After that she doesn't like to stay with me. (I have two severe asthmatic children and smoke is a trigger for them so I can't be flexible on that rule).
This is not the first rodeo with my SIL. The last family function she and my hubby got into a huge fight over her not including the children or me because we weren't "family". It's always something. My husband doesn't want to ruin "mom's day" by getting into an arguement with his sister. He also doesn't want to disappoint mom by being the only child not there. As my own children are getting older and away at college, I have a special place in my heart for times when we are all together and it makes me sympathetic to his mom wanting the same thing. (eventhough it is a surprise).
As far as work goes...this is a manager's weekend. All expenses paid and a very, very nice place, food, entertainment etc. Something that we could never afford on our own. It is the only weekend of the year where we are not with at least one of our kids and it is nice to have a little time to be a couple. It is also bonding time for the management team. It is not essential, but it is important. Last year we had to miss it because we had a child who was very sick. Missing two years in a row will not look good.
OP-is your husband somewhat of an outcast in the family? I ask this because it sounds like SIL intentionally chose the weekend you guys couldn't make it. The reason she didn't get back with your husband until it was all set up. Then your comments about your MIL not feeling comfortable staying with you because she can't smoke in your house. These behaviors to me sound intentional. My husband is somewhat of an outcast in his family and I know that his sisters don't really view me as part of the family either. They do consider my son though and basically I am the walking womb that delivered him. There have been several occasions (when we all lived by each other) where they had secret get togethers where we were not invited. Honestly, moving away from them was a good thing for us. It gives them the opportunity to not invite us to things because of the distance and we have grown accustom to the fact that we like being the outcasts.
I think missing the work function would be a bad idea career wise. Sure they may sound like they understand but this stuff really does matter with a lot of management. It is unfortunate that SIL is playing these games but there really isn't anything you can do about it. Plans were already set on your end. If you cancel your plans then realize that you will have to always cancel your plans and bend to the will of your SIL. Your husband is worried about being the only child that didn't show up, the flip side of this is people will asking about him the whole time "where is so and so?" which will only make your SIL look bad. Send a nice gift and explain that its really a shame all of this fell on a weekend where you had made a commitment months prior. I don't blame you for being fed up. SIL is petty.
Fallingwater...my husband has always felt like an outcast in his own family. I have always attributed it to being the middle child. I had a long talk yesterday with my BIL. I told him what his sister has done and that this really puts us in a bad situation. He agreed that we had the right to be ticked. (of course he also said that SIL "probably" didn't intentially make plans so my hubby couldn't be there) To that I said, "well, she had 3 emails telling her the date. I could accept that one didn't reach her but three?"
He understood about the work thing and agreed that we should go to that. He suggested we invite MIL up at a later date and that he and his wife will come too. (from California) In essense, we will have our own party for her here and SIL will not be invited. Whole things sounds a little petty on our end if that's the way it goes down. At this point though, I see it as our best option. It just all makes me sad/mad. As a mother with a grown child away at college, I live for the times when we are all together. I totally sympathize with my MIL wanting that and I hate that my SIL has virtually assured that she will not have it. I have not always gotten along with my MIL, but as a mother, I get her this time.
Why not have him talk to his brother and plan something together? The two brothers and their families can have a nice time with mom without the sister. She is inconsiderate and controlling, and I would just cut her out of the picture. I wouldn't talk about her to mom, because it isn't going to do anything but start crap. However, I wouldn't let her keep me from visiting my mom. We must have been posting at the same time...lol...sorry.
Still no decision from my husband. He says he wants to let it cool off before he makes a decision. Probably a good thing as he is very upset over this.
My thoughts...after a few days to mull it over, is that his sister is never going to stop this kind of behavior. Even if my husband says something to his mother, she will more than likely take his sister's side. (the apple has not fallen far from the tree). My SIL has always been the obvious favorite in his mother' eyes. Mom has been a little better since surviving cancer last year, but things were often strained between all of us and my other SIL (married to my BIL) goes through the same crap. I guess my husband just wants to be close to his family and so he keeps putting up with this stuff in an attempt to get along. Kind of understandable and admirable.
Oh, and just for clarification. FIL passed away before we were married. Mom lives with Grandma who is quite elderly. If FIL were alive I would have suggested calling him and telling him what SIL is pulling. Too bad
That's smart - just cool off before doing anything.
I agree with those who say just make your own separate plans. I wouldn't cave in to the manipulation - no anger, no missing out on the work dates because he made it clear all along those dates were out.
Then just ignore any future kind of plans with the SIL for this kind of thing. Don't email back anything, just figure she's trying to play some new game and don't go along with it. If she should ever ask you could remind her of this time when you specifically told her and then then she picked one of the two dates you couldn't make it.
It's not worth fighting about. Just one more lesson learned and you know what she's all about by now. By being angry, it might just be giving her what she wants. Control and drama.
We have asked MIL to come visit us on many occasions and she has said she would like to come this summer but hasn't set a date. We have offered to pay for her ticket. The last time she came to see us (a few years ago) she got ticked because I won't let her smoke in the house. After that she doesn't like to stay with me. (I have two severe asthmatic children and smoke is a trigger for them so I can't be flexible on that rule).
This is not the first rodeo with my SIL. The last family function she and my hubby got into a huge fight over her not including the children or me because we weren't "family". It's always something. My husband doesn't want to ruin "mom's day" by getting into an arguement with his sister. He also doesn't want to disappoint mom by being the only child not there. As my own children are getting older and away at college, I have a special place in my heart for times when we are all together and it makes me sympathetic to his mom wanting the same thing. (eventhough it is a surprise).
As far as work goes...this is a manager's weekend. All expenses paid and a very, very nice place, food, entertainment etc. Something that we could never afford on our own. It is the only weekend of the year where we are not with at least one of our kids and it is nice to have a little time to be a couple. It is also bonding time for the management team. It is not essential, but it is important. Last year we had to miss it because we had a child who was very sick. Missing two years in a row will not look good.
First, that stuff w/SIL sounds just like our stuff; wonder if it's the same person, LOL.
2nd, wow, sounds like your husband works w/a great company to offer such an opportunity to include spouses as well. I totally understand the "schmoozing" that goes on at those functions and would not pass up this time since he's had to pass up last year. AND, what a nice thing to have all expenses paid for so I would definitely go to that. Think of his job, yourselves and how this may impact your future.
As for you MIL, I would send her a HUGE flower arrangement and apologize for not being there even though you made every effort to do so; but you plan to have a special time with her another time.
Keep us posted as to what you decide.
Hubby and I just got back from a long lunch and talked all of this out. He is 80% sure he is going to MIL's. It is his choice, not mine. I said I would do what ever he wanted me to and I would try to not say something to his sister. Personally, I wouldn't go if I were him. Not my call.
I find it sad. He is the hardest working, most responsible, best educated of the group and his mother, grandmother and sister treat him like crap. I just don't get it except that I am willing to bet my SIL trashes him to his mother behind our back. I don't need these people but he obviously still has some "try" in him.
Hubby and I just got back from a long lunch and talked all of this out. He is 80% sure he is going to MIL's. It is his choice, not mine. I said I would do what ever he wanted me to and I would try to not say something to his sister. Personally, I wouldn't go if I were him. Not my call.
I find it sad. He is the hardest working, most responsible, best educated of the group and his mother, grandmother and sister treat him like crap. I just don't get it except that I am willing to bet my SIL trashes him to his mother behind our back. I don't need these people but he obviously still has some "try" in him.
I can understand your hubby. I tried my best for years with my family and finally in the last couple of years given up.
I always knew my mother was talking about me but I was naive in thinking it wasn't damaging. How wrong I was! I should have spoken up years ago. The damage is already done and there's nothing to salvage the relationships she has caused because of her insecurities and being self absorbed and self centered.
All of these beotches are jealous of him. It's damaging what others can do when they are the ones that are flawed.
Hopefully, your husband will not take these women crap for long. Something minor might happen and it will be the last straw for him. Life is way too short to deal with people like this.
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