Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
After being in a relationship for many years and now engaged to my wonderful fiancee, I still have trouble with saying "MY" versus "OURS". Anybody else have the same problem?
I still frequently refer to things as "mine" and well to be honest, they are "mine". I know marriage is going to be a big step and I'm fully committed to my fiancee but I've always had trouble with saying things are "ours" especially when I'm paying for just about everything. I bought the house, all the vehicles (including HER Caddy), all the furnishings, and I am the primary breadwinner for the household.
I'm not trying to be controlling, I've just been single for so many years that I've gotten into the habit of referring to everything as "mine". This irks her a bit and I'm working on it but has anyone had the same problem? I hate to think I'm alone in this situation.
She has recently suggested that once we get married, we buy a home together as a shared partnership. The thing is, besides the fact I love the current house we live in, I would still end up being the person to pay the mortgage on a different house. This doesn't make sense to me especially considering that the home I own isn't at all a 'bachelor pad'.
Opinions? Anyone been in the same boat? Primary breadwinners, do you pay or split the bills with a spouse?
This is MY house and my wife and KIDS live here with me.
Do you know how selfish that sounds.. not to mention removed - don't insult.
Don't be so short sighted.. When i got married I was earning 3 times what my wife was earning and now a decade later, she is earning twice what I earn!
Once you get married, you share everything.. the longer you are married, the more you will appreciate that arrangment.
Last edited by atlantagreg30127; 05-23-2011 at 09:32 AM..
After being in a relationship for many years and now engaged to my wonderful fiancee, I still have trouble with saying "MY" versus "OURS". Anybody else have the same problem?
I still frequently refer to things as "mine" and well to be honest, they are "mine". I know marriage is going to be a big step and I'm fully committed to my fiancee but I've always had trouble with saying things are "ours" especially when I'm paying for just about everything. I bought the house, all the vehicles (including HER Caddy), all the furnishings, and I am the primary breadwinner for the household.
I'm not trying to be controlling, I've just been single for so many years that I've gotten into the habit of referring to everything as "mine". This irks her a bit and I'm working on it but has anyone had the same problem? I hate to think I'm alone in this situation.
She has recently suggested that once we get married, we buy a home together as a shared partnership. The thing is, besides the fact I love the current house we live in, I would still end up being the person to pay the mortgage on a different house. This doesn't make sense to me especially considering that the home I own isn't at all a 'bachelor pad'.
Opinions? Anyone been in the same boat? Primary breadwinners, do you pay or split the bills with a spouse?
Yes why are you providing everything for her? why did you buy her a car?
And why are you the primary breadwinner? do you make more money than her? does she work? does she help out in anyway?
We need someone who is going to compliment us..not depend on us.
I understand your point of view, but it would irk me too. I wouldn't want to feel like a guest in the house where I live. Don't rearrange the furniture--that's mine! Don't paint the walls--it's my house! Don't clutter up the house with your stuff--this is my space!
You might not say those things, but that is what "my house, my stuff, mine mine mine" says to me. I'm a nester.
I hope you and your fiancee can work through this, because if it's a bone of contention now ... good luck.
Quite a few of my married male coworkers refer to their homes as "MY house." It does irk me.
As far as your dilemma, I've seen pictures of your house and it's absolutely beautiful and not by male standards by any means. Unless she has a desire to decorate a house in a completely different manner or just wants one that will be new to both of your (which is an understandable wish, even though it doesn't sound like you've ever lived with another woman in your current house), I'd be a bit weary of this suggestion considering your financial situation because it'll mean a substantial mingling of premarital with marital finances... You're not moving to another city and the existing house is nice.
I guess to her, it's not really about the money, it's about the fact that you live together (or will be). You may pay the mortgage but she still lives there and so it IS her home too. If it's YOUR home then what is she, homeless? To be honest, it sounds like it bugs you a little bit that she doesn't pay for anything so this should be the issue to address. If you don't want to pay for everything, tell her it's time she contributed a bit more to the bills. This is definitely an issue you need to resolve before getting married.
My husband is the "breadwinner" but I do work full time as well - our money goes into the same account and simply becomes one pot that everything gets paid out of. So there is no issue of "splitting the bills" because it's OUR money, not "his" money and "my" money.
Regardless whether or not you are a breadwinner, I suggest that you start practicing saying "Ours" today. I understand why you are having a hard time, but if I was your fiancee, I would not like it either.
Same situation here but I could care less what he calls his. He pays for it all so to me it is all his. But he corrects himself and calls stuff "ours" like I should flip out at him calling it his. But we have our own personal space that we always call stuff under singular ownership. He has his man cave office and I have my exercise room/lounge. Basically stuff only one of us uses seems to get the "mine" over "ours" naturally.
He does call our living quarters "ours". As far as home ownership...I don't know why she would want to do that. It just doesn't make financial sense. Maybe your pad is more bachelor than you think though. I would not want to buy a new house either unless it was under a marriage contract.
With kind respect intended, I regrettably cannot agree with the position below. While I am not "married" per se, I personally pay almost $4k a month on my mortgage, and support two dependant immediate family members financially, who are living with me. The trouble is, they have also taken advantage of this generosity, since they had their names placed on the house deed and title, while at the same time contributing *nothing whatsoever* to household expenses at all, not even utilities. I pay *everything*, every month, and as a result, I cannot afford to contribute anything at all toward my retirement portfolio.
It's all well and good to talk about "sharing everything", in theory...but in practice, what does one do when the other party (spouse, family, etc.) takes advantage of it, but gives or contributes absolutely nothing back in return? And flat out refuses, when you ask them to help out, and when they have at least some means available, to be able to do so? That only creates a moral hazard, IMO
Quote:
Originally Posted by martyogelvie
This is MY house and my wife and KIDS live here with me.
Do you know how selfish that sounds.. not to mention STUPID!
Don't be so short sighted.. When i got married I was earning 3 times what my wife was earning and now a decade later, she is earning twice what I earn!
Once you get married, you share everything.. the longer you are married, the more you will appreciate that arrangment.
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 05-23-2011 at 09:01 AM..
Reason: Adds / Corrected typos
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
