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My future SIL (sister-in-law) is the kind of woman, on paper, that I normally love. She likes to rough it (camping and outdoor activities), travel, explore, etc. She's an amazing artist, has the best smile, and is super cute. But, there have been moments that I questioned; questioned if I were just paranoid or if she was digging at me. Maybe the former means I'm self-involved, which I've considered, but I tend to love women. I really do. I have a thing for women/sisters. My girlies here probably know this.
So, what has she done that's so bad? Nothing...on paper. The things that have bothered me were subtle, but they reached my core. For example, I'm an ethical vegetarian/wannabe pescetarian (for my dh, who is a dear, AC). When we first met she mentioned she was a former veg, but screw all that crap! bla bla with insensitive rhetoric. It hurt me. It's a sensitive subject for me and the extended in-law family knows this and are very accommodating. To be clear, I don't tell any of them what to eat, how, and when.
The next dig was about the sciences. I'm a scientist. I live it, breath it, etc. She used to be a bio major, but eff all that cr*p! bla bla, whatever comments. I felt a bit put down during that conversation.
Next up, we had a family get together soon after my brother died. I probably should have stayed home, but my dh's sister got married and my dh wanted me there. I understood and spent the week with his family. She was cold and aloof. Maybe she didn't know what to do with me. Maybe she doesn't know in general.
It's just this weird thing that I sense. Usually, ime, when I'm sensing something is off it is. So, now the wedding is coming. My BIL and her are overseas. The wedding is, as I'm understanding it from my MIL, going to be an off the cuff kind of event. My MIL is reaching out to me for help, which I will give 110% if warranted. I don't know if this woman wants it. I emailed her and my BIL. My BIL got back to me with an emphatic yes, we need help, etc. I've not heard back from her. Do I bother, do I not?
I guess this is just a vent. I'll bother for the sake of my extended in-law family. They're about as rocking as an in-law family can be. I love them. I just don't know if she'll be ircked or not. Just writing this out makes me feel a bit stupid. I have other things to worry about and here I am. Meh.
First, it sounds like you're extremely similar in some key ways - and that alone can lead to conflict, if it means you expect her to understand certain things - and she expects you to understand other things - when in reality, you don't.
Second, if she's a former vegetarian and you're a current vegetarian, and she felt a tiny bit judged, she might have gone overboard to let you and everyone else know that she's just not into that anymore - which might have led to feeling slighted - so she felt slighted or judged, and then you felt slighted and judged, and boom, it's a big mess! When in reality, you probably actually may have some common beliefs and values - if you both went down that path at one time.
Third, if your brother-in-law wants your help, great! It's his wedding too. Just because the request doesn't come from the bride, doesn't mean it's not a real request - particularly in low key weddings. You're smart to not want to step on any one's toes, but if you get a request to help in some way, I wouldn't worry if it comes from the groom and not the bride - after all, he's the one you're closest too!
I think you're being too sensitive. The specific instances you cite are really not that bothersome in the great scheme of things. There is no rule that says you have to get along with any in-law. She sounds difficult, so millions of people are. Avoid her when you can, problem solved. Or better still, if you have an issue with her, confront her and reveal that you've been hurt. Perhaps her explanation will settle you down. But getting bothered that she doesn't like science and isn't a vegan sounds ridiculously over-sensitive on your part.
First, it sounds like you're extremely similar in some key ways - and that alone can lead to conflict, if it means you expect her to understand certain things - and she expects you to understand other things - when in reality, you don't.
That's quite possible. It's impossible for me to tell at this point. I'm hoping at some point in the future we have some time together. We've never spent any time alone together.
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Second, if she's a former vegetarian and you're a current vegetarian, and she felt a tiny bit judged, she might have gone overboard to let you and everyone else know that she's just not into that anymore - which might have led to feeling slighted - so she felt slighted or judged, and then you felt slighted and judged, and boom, it's a big mess! When in reality, you probably actually may have some common beliefs and values - if you both went down that path at one time.
Possible as well, tho, I can't imagine her caring what I think, but who knows. One thing that was interesting to me is that years ago at an event in my neck of the woods she met my family and peeps. My bf's husband came up to me and noted that she was a smarty pants. That was surprising and I'm not sure what he really meant by it. But, it makes me think that I am being too sensitive if it's just a personality thing.
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Third, if your brother-in-law wants your help, great! It's his wedding too. Just because the request doesn't come from the bride, doesn't mean it's not a real request - particularly in low key weddings. You're smart to not want to step on any one's toes, but if you get a request to help in some way, I wouldn't worry if it comes from the groom and not the bride - after all, he's the one you're closest too!
Agreed. Whatever he or the MIL needs/wants. Thus far, they're having me bring candid disposible wedding cameras. They're cheap and easy to fly. Also, my MIL wants me to bring my photography equipment, no problem. I might also mix some CDs for music.
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Originally Posted by Ulysses61
I think you're being too sensitive. The specific instances you cite are really not that bothersome in the great scheme of things. There is no rule that says you have to get along with any in-law. She sounds difficult, so millions of people are. Avoid her when you can, problem solved. Or better still, if you have an issue with her, confront her and reveal that you've been hurt. Perhaps her explanation will settle you down. But getting bothered that she doesn't like science and isn't a vegan sounds ridiculously over-sensitive on your part.
I agree. That's why I wonder if I'm just being Ms. sensitive. It's easy to avoid her since we live a world apart, but I'm a family oriented person and I like things to be cool. I won't do any confronting. For one, it's her wedding so need for any cr*p on my end, but maybe at some point in the future we can bond.
No offence but you wouldn't like me either. I don't care what anyone eats or why... but if they make a point to talk about it I make a point right back and it's not always supportive. I dunno, something about folks who have food issues bother me since I'm a foodie.
Mostly you don't have to love your future SIL, you have to be polite. That's what most families do. Me and my SIL have only spend one day in 30 years alone so it doesn't really matter what we think of each other.
No offence but you wouldn't like me either. I don't care what anyone eats or why... but if they make a point to talk about it I make a point right back and it's not always supportive. I dunno, something about folks who have food issues bother me since I'm a foodie.
Well, family tend to get to know each other, ime. It's not a matter of strangers. I'm an atheist and sit appreciably by while we pray before meals. I have no instinct to assert my views over clear, precious issues to my family members. And it's my MIL who brings it up. She has a daughter and Son-IL that are vegan, so she's mindful. That's what makes this family so darn cool. We're all very different and are all respectful. With that said, this wedding will include a pig or goat/some kind of animal, roast. My MIL is way more concerned about it than any of the veg's that will be attending. We'll be bringing our own food. I'll be shopping for more than my foodie camp given the off the cuff nature of the wedding. Of course, I won't be cooking up any meat for folk.
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Mostly you don't have to love your future SIL, you have to be polite. That's what most families do. Me and my SIL have only spend one day in 30 years alone so it doesn't really matter what we think of each other.
I'm hoping we'll do more than most. I want the love.
She does not like you. She is subtly putting you down all the time. She is a B****. Watch out, just be polite. Don't chat much with her about anything of substance, she will use it to hurt you. Keep everything with her on the surface, you can't trust people like that. The minute she can find something to dig you with, she will, when you least expect it. She loves it.
She does not like you. She is subtly putting you down all the time. She is a B****. Watch out, just be polite. Don't chat much with her about anything of substance, she will use it to hurt you. Keep everything with her on the surface, you can't trust people like that. The minute she can find something to dig you with, she will, when you least expect it. She loves it.
If she doesn't like me, I'm hoping to change that. I don't trust her, tho. Clearly. My MIL seems to like her, so I figure I'm missing something. eta: I trust my MIL on just about everything. She's such a great woman.
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The things that have bothered me were subtle, but they reached my core. For example, I'm an ethical vegetarian/wannabe pescetarian (for my dh, who is a dear, AC). When we first met she mentioned she was a former veg, but screw all that crap! bla bla with insensitive rhetoric. It hurt me. It's a sensitive subject for me and the extended in-law family knows this and are very accommodating. To be clear, I don't tell any of them what to eat, how, and when. 
