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True friends are one of life's greatest treasures.
OP, the person who blew up at you and threw things at you doesn't sound like much a friend! Perhaps it's just because I'm a non-confrontational person, but I don't understand why anyone would associate with someone who has hissy fits and blows things out of proportion. If you and your friends can't discuss differences civilly and without drama, then maybe you need to seek out some new friends.
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I agree that as you get older, your priorities shift and so the things you may have put up with when younger, you don't really want to deal with now. It's weird, I'm more tolerant now but I'm also less likely to deal with intolerable things. Does this even make sense?
I know if I were to confront one friend with something, she'd likely ignore me and pretend she didn't hear it. I think she's a good friend, but she's flaky and forgetful and has ADD and forgets to take her meds...well, I have to decide if it's worth pissing her off when she pisses me off. Most of the time, I vent to my husband...or cat...and get over it. It's just not worth it for all the good things that come from the friendship.
However, if I were hurt or wounded in some way, I'd likely say something. I'd not be confrontational although people tend to take it as such. And I'd be hurt if the end result was the end of a friendship. But if it comes to that, I know it's for the best. That's one thing I've learned to trust in my life...if you feel better away from that person than you do when you're with them, then it's turned out for the best to have them out of your life.
Yikes, that was too much before lunch...hope it helps with perspective!
There's an alternative to confronting and letting go. I call it "planting the seed".
For example, instead of telling your friend "You shouldn't do that!", ask "Have you ever considered what some may think of you if you do that?"
Instead of saying "I'm offended by that!", say "I appreciate your honesty, but for some reason, I'm sensitive about that. So what you just said kind of hurts."
You can rarely change a person by telling them they must change. But if you enlighten them on the possibility that their actions may be having a negative effect, they might come to the conclusion that change is needed.
I've been having this dilemna for a bit and wanted to hear from others. When it comes to your friendships and when conflicts, annoyances or issues arise, do you find its better to confront people about it or just deal with it or let it go?
I ask this because there are things about all my friends I don't like and other things that may downright bug me but I have found when someone is confronted about it, no matter how gentle it may be, it seems to ultimately damage the friendship. As opposed to friendships were no one says anything and things continue on and we have fun and forget about it.
An example is with my ex BFF. She was a highly confrontational person. When she found issue with anything, she called you out on it right away stating that as a friend, she had to say something. As a consequence, she's had beefs with everyone we've known, including me and one big dramatic confrontation led to the demise of our friendship where I became seriously hurt and turned off from her. We are no longer speak.
On the other hand, I've had other issues with other friends, minor annoyances really but for fear of creating hurt feelings or losing them, I've remained quiet and the friendships have remained in tact and we still have fun together.
Recently with another friend, she said something I found very insensitive during a time I was already upset and I told her how I felt. I was curt but not nasty. Well, she completely blew up at me, threw things in my face , told me to eff off and now we're not talking. Some of our mutual friends spoke to me privately about how they feel the same as I do that she has a bad attitude at times but of course won't say that to her and remain friendly with her.
I also notice that with my husband's friends, his group all have major issues with one other friend but no one will say anything to him so they just talk about him behind his back and continue to hang with him and in essence keep the peace. I think this is how he's maintained his friendships. I also wonder if this is a big difference between male and female friendships. Guys I know typically dont confront their male friends with anything. Girls typically do.
I guess I'm just at a loss sometimes between speaking up about something that may be an issue and risking the friendship or just not saying anything to keep everyone happy.
Thoughts?
Somewhere in between is the happy medium.
Look, even the best of friends will sometimes abuse your good nature without thinking. If it's a one-time thing, be the bigger person and let it slide.
If, on the other hand, the person habitually does something that really affects you, then you should address it in a diplomatic way. If, for example, someone is habitually late, say, "I know you don't realize this, but when I have to stand around for a half-hour or so waiting on you, this is the way it makes me feel...." You say your piece in thirty seconds or less, and then you change the subject. That way, it's not some huge issue right up there with arms limitation talks or the Federal budget.
If they are a friend, they'll pay attention. If they are just somebody who thinks only about him- or herself, they'll keep on doing whatever. If they do the latter, then why are they your friend in the first place?
There's an alternative to confronting and letting go. I call it "planting the seed".
For example, instead of telling your friend "You shouldn't do that!", ask "Have you ever considered what some may think of you if you do that?"
Instead of saying "I'm offended by that!", say "I appreciate your honesty, but for some reason, I'm sensitive about that. So what you just said kind of hurts."
You can rarely change a person by telling them they must change. But if you enlighten them on the possibility that their actions may be having a negative effect, they might come to the conclusion that change is needed.
Great post!
I like this. I find that the confrontation usually starts with one person pointing fingers at the other and proclaiming that they are wrong and must change. Breeds nothing but hurt and anger.
There's an alternative to confronting and letting go. I call it "planting the seed".
For example, instead of telling your friend "You shouldn't do that!", ask "Have you ever considered what some may think of you if you do that?"
Instead of saying "I'm offended by that!", say "I appreciate your honesty, but for some reason, I'm sensitive about that. So what you just said kind of hurts."
You can rarely change a person by telling them they must change. But if you enlighten them on the possibility that their actions may be having a negative effect, they might come to the conclusion that change is needed.
I guess I'm just at a loss sometimes between speaking up about something that may be an issue and risking the friendship or just not saying anything to keep everyone happy.
Thoughts?
Like marriage, pick you battles. Its a combination of the two and dependent on the issue and the friendship.
When its someone within a group, you know you're still going to see socially, its not worth it. With the exception of niceities, I'd totally avoid any conversation. It sounds a bit passive aggressive. There are people who aren't worth wasting your time with discussions, denial and risking drama.
I don't know about this, in this "day and age"! Although, there is that small percentage of people who do understand and would change whatever they do/say so they won't offend a person again. But that "percentage of people" can be very small today!
To sometimes "narrow down" the possiblility of a confrontation, people simply should know what they won't or will accept from others! One of the things we don't like is cigar or cigarette smoking. Wife has asthma and I don't like being around smoke anymore since I stopped smoking 10 yrs ago. We also don't like profanity. So, the plain and simple way that we don't have to worry about confronting somebody about these two, is to just not make friends with smokers or people who use profanity. It works for us!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retroit
There's an alternative to confronting and letting go. I call it "planting the seed".
For example, instead of telling your friend "You shouldn't do that!", ask "Have you ever considered what some may think of you if you do that?"
Instead of saying "I'm offended by that!", say "I appreciate your honesty, but for some reason, I'm sensitive about that. So what you just said kind of hurts."
You can rarely change a person by telling them they must change. But if you enlighten them on the possibility that their actions may be having a negative effect, they might come to the conclusion that change is needed.
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