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This is a tough subject for many of us, especially if we have the need to help people. A few things that I plan on doing this year to create more harmonious relationships in my life are as follows;
1. Screen phone calls, not all phone calls need to be answered right away, especially when I am having quality time with my family.
2. If a friend continues to chose to make self destructive decisions even though I have extended my hand to help, I will have to cut the tie. I have one friend in particular who I feel I may have to tell her that "I'm sorry but it's too hard for me to watch you make poor choices when you have other options and you're not willing to take them"
3. Listen more to people's actions rather than their words.
4. Invest more time with people who are on the path to self improvement (it's pretty easy to tell who they are by their attitude and the way they are living.)
5. Give myself permission to tell someone that I'm not available after a certain time like 8pm. (I plan on using this one with my children as well).
6. Say no politely, think about it before automatically saying yes.
7. Accept a compliment but don't let it blind you.
8. No means no, if you don't have a good feeling about something, there is a good reason, don't let someone else dominate you or manipulate a situation.
9. Be pro-active, not reactive with someone. Don't automatically go into rescue mode or defensive mode based on what someone else says.
Just a few ideas that I thought I would share because I have noticed many people don't know much about boundaries or how to set them. Feel free to add on and share your positive experiences.
Excellent list! Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do for someone else, is nothing at all. Simply acknowledging that you understand that they have a problem and that you have faith in their ability to solve that problem, is tremendously helpful. It took years for me to compile that same list, but it's one that I follow. Thanks for the post.
On a serious note its a great reminder that we are in control of our own emotions.
I have generated a wall of indifference over the years.
I almost never answer any phone call, but when I need something I pursue it. Even employment, future employment calls are ignored coz the phone is lying somewhere and I canceled voicemail years ago etc., I do answer pronto when it's from immediate family and from the lady love.
Never otherwise invested too much time with other people. I have friends but have a wall between them and me.
I told myself I'll let only me anger me. Everything else can be fixed with indifference, deaf ears and money
Recently I found some of the women getting angry with my late responses to text messages. I told them up front about how I am mostly forgetful of attending on my phone and don't text a lot, that it's buried in my bag and non-existent unless I remember. That I am always running errands, working out or doing stuff. They all accepted it. I warned them flat out I am not very responsive to texting until later. Coz I really hate the text marathons. It never ends.
I have generated a wall of indifference over the years.
I almost never answer any phone call, but when I need something I pursue it. Even employment, future employment calls are ignored coz the phone is lying somewhere and I canceled voicemail years ago etc., I do answer pronto when it's from immediate family and from the lady love.
Never otherwise invested too much time with other people. I have friends but have a wall between them and me.
I told myself I'll let only me anger me. Everything else can be fixed with indifference, deaf ears and money
Recently I found some of the women getting angry with my late responses to text messages. I told them up front about how I am mostly forgetful of attending on my phone and don't text a lot, that it's buried in my bag and non-existent unless I remember. That I am always running errands, working out or doing stuff. They all accepted it. I warned them flat out I am not very responsive to texting until later. Coz I really hate the text marathons. It never ends.
So true. Interesting that you cancelled voice mail though.
I have been planning out my year and have realized that I'm going to need to set boundaries on some other activities that I do that drain my time... hmmmm internet forums?
I'm on a time budget this year, I am prioritizing and only the most important things will get the most attention, although I will allow myself to play.
This is a tough subject for many of us, especially if we have the need to help people. A few things that I plan on doing this year to create more harmonious relationships in my life are as follows;
1. Screen phone calls, not all phone calls need to be answered right away, especially when I am having quality time with my family.
2. If a friend continues to chose to make self destructive decisions even though I have extended my hand to help, I will have to cut the tie. I have one friend in particular who I feel I may have to tell her that "I'm sorry but it's too hard for me to watch you make poor choices when you have other options and you're not willing to take them"
3. Listen more to people's actions rather than their words.
4. Invest more time with people who are on the path to self improvement (it's pretty easy to tell who they are by their attitude and the way they are living.)
5. Give myself permission to tell someone that I'm not available after a certain time like 8pm. (I plan on using this one with my children as well).
6. Say no politely, think about it before automatically saying yes.
7. Accept a compliment but don't let it blind you.
8. No means no, if you don't have a good feeling about something, there is a good reason, don't let someone else dominate you or manipulate a situation.
9. Be pro-active, not reactive with someone. Don't automatically go into rescue mode or defensive mode based on what someone else says.
Just a few ideas that I thought I would share because I have noticed many people don't know much about boundaries or how to set them. Feel free to add on and share your positive experiences.
my two cents
You get what you expect in life.
Act defensive and you will come across more situations in which to be defensive. Be wary of boundaries and people will only push closer.
I was in a situation regarding boundaries with a friend. She would call and always "complain" about her problems. The more I'd "ignore" her or drop hints, the worse it got.
Recently, I've started being more positive in every conversation I have with her. I help reword her "complaints" into more positive perspectives. She gets it. She's more positive. We have fun and enjoy our interactions together.
At first, of course, it was hard to look past her complaints and negativity to see the positive person inside of her. But you can choose to connect with any aspect of any individual. If you are negative, you will connect with their negative side. If you are positive and uplifting towards them, they will seek you out only for upliftment and to share their own positive energy.
If you try to "set boundaries", people will only push to try to get past them. You push against them, they'll push against you to get through.
Instead, hold everyone in a place of love and kindness. Treat everyone nicely, do not feel annoyed or any other negative emotion because it only ruins your mood and your own lovely day. Be nice. And eventually they'll catch on and interact with you in the way that you want to interact with them. Or they will simply move out of your experience. Automatically, without you having to "do" anything.
So true. Interesting that you cancelled voice mail though.
I have been planning out my year and have realized that I'm going to need to set boundaries on some other activities that I do that drain my time... hmmmm internet forums?
I'm on a time budget this year, I am prioritizing and only the most important things will get the most attention, although I will allow myself to play.
Voice mail is outrageous. If a person is being called and there is no answer, then the person is not available. So there is no need to send him a recorded message, unless he is required to stop a nuclear war with his button and save the world as soon as he gets it.
I also found some people left 2 to 3 minute messages, sometimes painfully long and winded. I canceled it.
It also became a medium where passively aggressive people found it easier to leave a nasty message, and chances of that won't be there if the conversation were live. Key words like "food for thought", "in all honesty", "You know what", "I want you to stop and think", "put your thinking cap on" (I have antlers for Pete's sake ) etc.,
I also take things easy. Never do things for others comfort. Always indulge in what amuses me, as long as its impact is not negative on my overall inventory.
This is a tough subject for many of us, especially if we have the need to help people. A few things that I plan on doing this year to create more harmonious relationships in my life are as follows;
1. Screen phone calls, not all phone calls need to be answered right away, especially when I am having quality time with my family.
2. If a friend continues to chose to make self destructive decisions even though I have extended my hand to help, I will have to cut the tie. I have one friend in particular who I feel I may have to tell her that "I'm sorry but it's too hard for me to watch you make poor choices when you have other options and you're not willing to take them"
3. Listen more to people's actions rather than their words.
4. Invest more time with people who are on the path to self improvement (it's pretty easy to tell who they are by their attitude and the way they are living.)
5. Give myself permission to tell someone that I'm not available after a certain time like 8pm. (I plan on using this one with my children as well).
6. Say no politely, think about it before automatically saying yes.
7. Accept a compliment but don't let it blind you.
8. No means no, if you don't have a good feeling about something, there is a good reason, don't let someone else dominate you or manipulate a situation.
9. Be pro-active, not reactive with someone. Don't automatically go into rescue mode or defensive mode based on what someone else says.
Just a few ideas that I thought I would share because I have noticed many people don't know much about boundaries or how to set them. Feel free to add on and share your positive experiences.
Good points, and I see lots of happy rewards coming to you and your family because of these actions. Re; Your friend, just explain that while you are still a friend, you are just no longer an "available" friend. Nice self-empowerment suggestions for several folks on these forums.
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