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I've found it to be very tough and that other people get upset in the process. This upsets me. I feel like at times it is necessary so as to not get all walked over. But then they are used to walking all over you so it upsets the apple cart. At times it can cost relationships and then you (I) end up with no friends. I know the idea is to make new friends, but it's hard in that in-between stage.
Anyway, has anyone else ever set out to completely change things and found the reaction to your change has been negative? If so, how do you move forward and not let these reactions bother you? You can know it's the right thing to do yet it is very uncomfortable for both people.
Recently I've set a boundary with someone I've known for 35 years. I visit my home town and have always gone to her house to spend the night. This time around I've told her I won't be doing this and that she can drive down to where I AM AT which is what I want. I want to stay in the hotel and just meet for lunch or dinner. Needless to say, I may not end up seeing her at all, but I'm not budging on this. I know she is upset over this. Whatever. But this is still upsetting me! Again, what is your experience?
If you've done everything you can to assure them that everything is still sunshine and ravioli between you, then it's on her to come around and get over it. A close enough friend will understand and respect your choices and not look to create tension over something so petty. Adopt a take it or leave it attitude and let it be her heart attack, not yours. I've had to establish some difficult boundaries before, and sometimes it's changed the course of the friendship, perhaps placed some distance between us, but it was something I knew I had to do. Everyone knows what's best for themselves and they shouldn't compromise that for anyone.
ok so now you are totally without...may I ask why would you change it?
Because I want it to change. Because it is what I want. Because life is short and at some point a person has to consider said person's wants. Because it's the right thing to do. Oh, and not totally without. I am in the process of making new friends but it's clearly not the same as knowing a person for five, ten or 35 years.
Surely I cannot be the only person who examines relationships and found the need to change them?
Location: I never said I was perfect so no refunds here sorry!
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Originally Posted by movin'on
Because I want it to change. Because it is what I want. Because life is short and at some point a person has to consider said person's wants. Because it's the right thing to do. Oh, and not totally without. I am in the process of making new friends but it's clearly not the same as knowing a person for five, ten or 35 years.
Surely I cannot be the only person who examines relationships and found the need to change them?
Good for you, I must have misunderstood you and your post. I took it as if you were unsure.
Good for you, I must have misunderstood you and your post. I took it as if you were unsure.
I am unsure to the extent I don't know how to not let it bother me. I grew up as the smoother-over (middle children jump in!). I am tired of it. I just talked to my mother today, changed the dynamics and, predictably enough, she is upset. Now I feel like I have to smooth things over.
This is why I want to know others' experiences with this subject. I would like to learn from others how they have managed to successfully changed things, yet keep the relationship on good terms (if this is even possible). I don't want to walk around feeling upset and yet, once again, caving in and acquiescing to them. I want someone else to smooth things over for a change!
I just talked to my mother today, changed the dynamics and, predictably enough, she is upset.
If I am reading this right we are talking about changing the dynamic with your mother rather than a "lady friend". Its two very different types of relationships. As a mother myself, I would also be upset if my son announced that when he came into town, he would be staying at a hotel instead of staying at home. Obviously it is your choice but it seems to be a very harsh to me.
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