Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
S.O. and his ex-wife are friends, talking on the phone, having lunch together, etc. He was honest with me about it from the start, and I appreciate that. I truly don't believe that he has any interest in her in "that way," because things are fine between us. Also, he divorced her, and there was no going back in his mind.
But, I'll be totally uncool and say it: I'm not down with this.
Main reason I'm not is because I've never met the ex, never interacted with her. It's like their friendship takes place in a realm where I'm not welcome. I almost feel as though S.O. is keeping us apart for some reason, and friends who know us both agree. They also seem to concur that she might be the one who has an "issue" with him starting a new relationship.
I've been divorced before, and I tried the "friend" route only to have it backfire when my ex-H started harboring expectations, and I didn't pick up on them. I was a little more naive back then, and I think that I was even a little lonely. Things got really nasty when I eventually got serious with another man, and I had to cut contact with the ex-H forever. It was best for both of us.
I really adore my S.O., and I want to love him. But I've found that my emotions cannot go any deeper because of this issue. I don't even know how to bring it up, or if there's any point to it. I always swore that I would never get serious about someone who was friends with an ex-spouse, and yet ... here we go!
It can't work because even though you can try to ignore your feelings, they'll eventually get to the surface. I found that ex's sooner or later get in the way and if he has a hard time cutting ties with her, I'd wonder why...there's a time and place for everything and when a relationship ends, it's time to move on...You really have to discuss this with him and if he doesn't show any understanding, you'll have to make a decision. Everyone has boundaries and they need to be respected by both parties for it to be a healthy and happy relationship for you both.
It can't work because even though you can try to ignore your feelings, they'll eventually get to the surface. I found that ex's sooner or later get in the way and if he has a hard time cutting ties with her, I'd wonder why...there's a time and place for everything and when a relationship ends, it's time to move on...You really have to discuss this with him and if he doesn't show any understanding, you'll have to make a decision. Everyone has boundaries and they need to be respected by both parties for it to be a healthy and happy relationship for you both.
Thanks, Maggie. I don't think I'm at the point where it needs to be discussed — we haven't talked about marriage or spending the rest of our lives together. I know that eventually, I'll have to bring it up, and I dread that. I can't think of any ex that I'd keep as a friend at risk of losing my relationship or a prospective marriage ...
I don't have an ex-husband but I'm still really close friends with my ex boyfriend. We grew up together, were together for 5 years, were more or less engaged, and then broke up and became friends. The way we see it - we were always meant to be good friends we just had to get the relationship stuff out of the way so that we got it all out of our system. We now think of each other almost more like brother and sister so there is absolutely no way anything would ever happen between us romantically. And we are really close- I sang at his wedding, he sang at mine. As for my ex-fiance - we are Facebook friends and are friendly - but we aren't really friends and we don't keep in touch. I don't think that everyone is capable of being friends with their exes and I don't think that it is always even a good idea. But sometimes - it does work. I don't think there is anything wrong with it when it does work but it's something that you need to talk about with your S.O. You need to be honest with him about how you are feeling. Don't be accusatory though - that never goes over well - but do be honest.
I think i would have a problem with it my self.. I think you need to be honest and tell your SO. If he respects you and cares enough he will understand your concerns...
To me its one thing to meet up with an old fling and have lunch once every other year.. but if they talk on the phone daily and eat lunch weekly, I wouldn't like that. I know that its possible to have that type of relationship with an ex but I think they are super rare... if it bothers you, and it would me, tell your SO..
To me its one thing to meet up with an old fling and have lunch once every other year.. but if they talk on the phone daily and eat lunch weekly, I wouldn't like that. I know that its possible to have that type of relationship with an ex but I think they are super rare... if it bothers you, and it would me, tell your SO..
Thank you for your insight. I feel the same way. I just think that their lives are still too enmeshed. For example, before we met, they used to spend holidays with each other, even after their divorce. And recently, when I was away at a professional conference, she took him to a clinic for minor out-patient surgery.
I simply can't imagine relying on an ex like that, and certainly not spending major holidays with an ex. To my mind, it sends the ex all the wrong signals. It seems as though she still has "wifely" duties that would be best relegated to one of his male friends.
I wouldn't bother with him. Move on from him because he obviously has not moved on from her.
And the fact that he tries to keep you two separate...what is that!? I don't think its good to stay friends with ex's other than hello/goodbye in public. There is no need for contact otherwise. But to go OUT with the ex and make sure to exclude who you are dating...its weird and reeks of BS to come.
I wouldn't bother with him. Move on from him because he obviously has not moved on from her.
And the fact that he tries to keep you two separate...what is that!? I don't think its good to stay friends with ex's other than hello/goodbye in public. There is no need for contact otherwise. But to go OUT with the ex and make sure to exclude who you are dating...its weird and reeks of BS to come.
Couldn't agree more!
My biggest question is why did they divorce? HE divorced HER but no explanation as to why. And I'm not down with not being introduced to the ex. And spending holidays together?!
OP, I would either start bringing this up to him and get it all out on the table before you develop any deeper feelings for him. It's one thing to be amicable but making lunch dates and spending holidays together, WITHOUT YOU? Heck no, not me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
