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The guy doesn't really care whether he hurts you physically with sex
Not exactly...I said he doesn't care if I enjoy it anymore (he used to care...a lot, he'd really try hard to make it fun and pleasurable for me too)
He does care if it hurts me.Every time I say it hurts he either stops, calms me down or goes slower till I tell him it's OK.
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Regain a little control of yourself. I know this is new and exciting and fun, but right now he's calling all the shots and apparently enjoying it quite a lot.
I agree...but it's not that simple.
He has AMAZING persuasion skills.Up until now he managed to make every "No" of mine into a "Yes" (and it's not only me...I know a few other people he had no problem convincing to do what he wants...)
And I'm really not a weak person that just goes along with whatever others say.He is the only person on the planet that has ever made me say "yes" when I meant "no".
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I know you said you met him in a bar, but how old are you?
Honey, he was your first. But don't make too much of it. It was sex. Now, don't make more of it than it was.
I never planned for it to be anything more!
I expected that he would just disappear after I slept with him.
Never really meant to actually get involved for more than one night...
He was the one who made ME confused when he still called the next morning, and the day after, and the day after...
I DO know that I'm mostly the one at fault because I didn't set any boundaries when I first met him, and now I regret that (I am working on it though...Trying to fix it now while it's not TOO late.)
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Originally Posted by purehuman
can't you just come out and ASK him??
I did, actually.
But it was in the very beginning about 3-4 days after I've met him...
He came to my place and I started a very serious conversation about his intentions...
I asked him if he was actually serious or did he just want to sleep with me (because whichever way you look at it sleeping on 2nd date just isn't normal)
He said that he didn't go with me to sleep with me, but he wants us to get to know each other more, and sex is just a part of it.
He said that that was the reason he asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with this when I first had sex with him.
Of course it's possible that it was all just bullsh*t he made up.
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cut him off...no more nookie, or BJs......just see how he reacts.
I think I really should try that and see how he reacts...
Thanks.
Just because he calls, does not mean you have to jump. I suggest slowing this train wreck down. Take a week or two of breathing room, when he calls tell him you have stuff going on, just give yourself some space.
Then, you will know if this relationship can stand the test of time...BTW, I hope you are taking safe sex precautions, and are also using pills or other back-up protection.
I feel like I am currently in an "undefined relationship" and it's bothering me.
About a month ago I met a guy (8 years older) at a bar and we seemed to hit it off. I slept with him on the next day after lots of texts and calls.
He was my first and he was incredibly gentle.
I actually never expected it to be anything more than a one night stand but he kept in touch and it made me confused. I mean, wouldn't a guy usually disappear after he got what he wanted? Right now I'm not too sure WHAT we are.
On the one hand he seems like he is serious about me, because he introduced me to his family, we went on double dates with some of his closest friends, he always calls/texts a few times a day, he drives me places (even if it's early in the morning or not on his way) and pays for me when we go out, I feel comfortable telling him the truth about everything and I hate lying to him.I've slept in his place and eaten with his family... He is also very protective and doesn't want other men looking at me.
On the other hand, he hates taking photos with me but has no problem doing it with everybody else. He is introducing me as "the girl he met" to everyone (coworkers, family etc.) Almost EVERY time we meet, we either have sex or I give him a HJ/BJ. He used to love to just cuddle with me, but now every time I just put my hand on him (like on his chest) he already thinks I'm up for a HJ and guides my hand over there, when all I actually wanted was to snuggle a little. He also used to care a lot if I enjoy it or not and he'd go out of his way to make it fun for me as well, but now it seems like "as long as it doesn't hurt her, she'll live". He hates when other men look at me but has no problem talking about all of his female friends and a 1000 ex-girlfriends.
He is my first in every possible way (my first kiss, first closest thing to a boyfriend, first person I've slept with etc.) and I feel attached but also confused about his real intentions.
There is a huge gap in experience and I'm afraid that maybe that is the cause... I don't really know how to behave around a guy and what is "normal" (is sleeping with him EVERY time we meet normal?). Please help.Are we a couple?or just FWB?(friends with benefits)Is introducing him as my boyfriend after one month is wrong/weird?
He sounds like a loser to me and you should probably NOT have sex with someone until you are actually mature enough to handle it and the emotions that go along with it.
Everyone is talking about him controlling her. What is he controlling??
They have a date, they have sex, they go out and he pays for her when they go out. Typical non-commitment arrangement. She is offering him sex every time they see each other. So far she is fine with that.
What she wants is a commitment. He is not ready for that or he do not have any serious plans with her.
Putting it very simple: she is giving him "free" sex and he is taking her out and pay for it. There is nothing more going on.
He is older and experienced - she is just learning about the world of "love".
I suspect that when she leaves him, he will only miss the sex part...
I agree with what you're saying almost a 100%.
I never really planned for it to be serious in the first place.
I've met with him the next day after we met at the bar KNOWING that I will probably sleep with him.
Honestly, back then I wouldn't of minded if he disappeared and never called in the morning.I had a great first time and I don't regret it.
But him calling again, then introducing me to his family/friends etc. made me really confused.
Would you usually invite someone you're not serious about to a family dinner?
I don't think so. (yet again, I don't know what to think anymore)
His family seems to like me, and his sisters seem really nice so I'm pretty sure they'd tell me if they knew he was seeing someone else while he's with me.
So yeah, I was fine with the whole "trade" system...
He gets sex, I get to go places, he drives me around (since I don't have a car that means a lot), pays for my stuff, and used to be really gentle and care about my satisfaction.
I was fine with just that.
What's bothering me now is that the whole "trade" thing is not like it used to be anymore...I STILL give him sex, but he doesn't bother to cuddle with me when I want to, we don't go out as much as we just stay in my place or his place (which also leads to sex) and he doesn't buy too many things lately either.
You know what, forget about the things and going places...
Damn, if he would of at least cared if I enjoy the sex or not, that would be enough.
He's just selfish now...He takes but gives nothing back.
What changed?!How come he used to give something back and now he doesn't? how come he used to love to just cuddle and now he tried to get a HJ out of every touch?
Fair enough - my misunderstanding - but after a month if he's not trying to make it enjoyable all the time for you, fun, and to help you lose yourself in him and roll with it, and it's all about him, then it's all wonky anyway. And it will get wonkier, but he'll still be the center of attention. Promise.
He's miles ahead of you at 27 years old. I don't want to sound brutal, but that's the truth - and he is a manipulator if he's constantly able to talk people into doing things; you're just one more that has fallen for the charm. You said he's the only person who has ever made you say yes when you meant no. So did you really mean no but got caught up in the moment?
There's no "fault" to assign here - but you've been given a wealth of advice by every poster here. If you didn't think this relationship had some red flags you wouldn't have posted here - and that's the most important thing. Never, ever ignore your little voice, particularly when your gut and total strangers are telling you the very same thing. Your little voice is without a doubt the best friend you will ever have - even in situations that you have absolutely no experience, you just know when something is amiss. And you do.
It really IS totally normal to want to attach yourself to this man, but you've tried to have the intentions talk with him and what you're hearing is that sex is just part of getting to know someone. And it may be - except that men and women view sex completely differently most of the time, and most certainly the first time.
Read and re-read the notes from elnina and SeeingJane. Every answer you ever needed is right there in 2 posts.
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