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I appreciate that my wife goes and does things with me, but I feel like a lot of times she will just complain. For example she told me that she was excited about going skiing and couldnt wait but then when we actually went, she started to complain. She kept saing that her legs hurt and that she never wants to go. In fact she told me that she cant wait for the winter to be over so we never have to ski again. It made me dissapointed bacause I wish she would like doing the same things that i like and even encourage me to do them. Instead every time I go out and do things with her I worry that she isnt enkoying them or am just waiting for her to complain. I talked to her about this and she tells me that complaining is just her way of venting and she actually enjoyed herself..but I cant picture that when she seems like shes not having fun.
Some questions right off:
How old are both of you?
How long have you been married?
Was she like this when you dated?
Why does she want to vent when supposidly the event is fun for both of you?
What is going on in her life?
Wife and I are in our early-to-mid 60's, married for 11 now and known each other for 12 years and have almost everything in common. Don't think that I could have EVER found a gal that I have so, so much in common with. We do a lot of stuff together and BOTH of us enjoy the fun we have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brs31
I appreciate that my wife goes and does things with me, but I feel like a lot of times she will just complain. For example she told me that she was excited about going skiing and couldnt wait but then when we actually went, she started to complain. She kept saing that her legs hurt and that she never wants to go. In fact she told me that she cant wait for the winter to be over so we never have to ski again. It made me dissapointed bacause I wish she would like doing the same things that i like and even encourage me to do them. Instead every time I go out and do things with her I worry that she isnt enkoying them or am just waiting for her to complain. I talked to her about this and she tells me that complaining is just her way of venting and she actually enjoyed herself..but I cant picture that when she seems like shes not having fun.
Ah, grasshopper, you have much to learn.............
Never expect anything from anyone, because you will only be disappointed eventually.
She tried it, she didn't like it.
At least she tried.
What if she'd invited you to her sewing club, or her book club and you hated it. Would you be tripping over yourself to go back ?
If something is important to our partner, we should always respect that, but that doesn't mean we have to enjoy it ourselves.
My fiancee and I have mutual hobbies, and we have our own interests, but we respect each other's right to do what makes us happy.
Force her to do it and you'll be buying a one way ticket on the train to divorceville.............
She tried it, she didn't like it.
At least she tried.
Exactly right Bob! So what if you two don't have identical lists of hobbies? I had always thought that one of the reasons married couples get sick of each other is because they fail to retain their individuality. She tried it and didn't like it, no problem. If she needs to vent then she's probably not really enjoying it. If she tells you she is enjoying it then she's worried you'll be repulsed by the fact that she doesn't like one of your hobbies. I'd just tell her it's ok not to like all the same stuff you do and that she doesn't have to come next time.
Skiing -- something my DH loves and we have gone together several times. Then, about 7 years ago, I had a skiing injury and I no longer want to ski. I found a meetup group locally that has group ski trips so we could go and I could enjoy the trip but not ski, and he'd find others to ski with. But, he isn't interested unless we do it together. I just know if I skied again I would be fearful and complain. I think anything athletic is challenging for a couple unless they originally met in a group dedicated to that sport. Each will have different levels of expertise and endurance.
The real issue is the way she communicates and how you interpret it. You say she complains. She thinks she's just venting. But what she says, regardless, distracts from your enjoyment of the experience. So, you both have to work on that interaction as well as discovering if she really enjoys skiing or just wants to share a hobby with you but actually is fearful or hates much of the elements of that hobby. If she really, really hates the cold and is fearful.....maybe you guys should explore some other things you'd like together.
I appreciate that my wife goes and does things with me, but I feel like a lot of times she will just complain. For example she told me that she was excited about going skiing and couldnt wait but then when we actually went, she started to complain. She kept saing that her legs hurt and that she never wants to go. In fact she told me that she cant wait for the winter to be over so we never have to ski again. It made me dissapointed bacause I wish she would like doing the same things that i like and even encourage me to do them. Instead every time I go out and do things with her I worry that she isnt enkoying them or am just waiting for her to complain. I talked to her about this and she tells me that complaining is just her way of venting and she actually enjoyed herself..but I cant picture that when she seems like shes not having fun.
Oh, good grief. Everyone's legs hurt after they ski for the first time in a while. Most folks only go a few times a year, and yes, they will be sore, same as if you hopped on a mountain bike after not riding for three months, or even went to the gym after being a couch potato. That's why human innovation has brought us hot tubs, and why you take every third day off to enjoy the ski town, go shopping, have a long lunch, get massages, etc.
Not for nothing, but if you take a lot of day-trips, after the second or third one, if she's skiing correctly on a hill that's appropriate for her skills, it shouldn't be that much of an issue. If she's that exhausted, she's on a hill that's too steep for her and she's being forced to turn more often and more tightly than she's ready to.
And she did have lessons from a pro, right? Because that makes all the difference in how much someone new to the sport will enjoy it. They teach you how to ski efficiently. They also make sure you have the right length skis. If her skis are too long for her skill level, that will make it difficult--as will being out of shape. So first, she needs to get into better shape because no matter what kind of physical activity you might try together, she's going to be uncomfortable if she's out of shape.
But maybe you knew all of this, if you're an avid skier.
Second, what is this "we never have to ski again" stuff? I really hope you don't give up something you love doing just because she doesn't enjoy it. She certainly has no right to expect you to, and you may come to resent her for it.
The next time you want to go skiing, plan a trip with a group, and plan it where there are activities for non-skiers, like tubing or sleigh rides. She can do those while you're on the slopes, and you can still enjoy the nightlife and ski town together.
And if she doesn't want to go, go without her. I've heard more than once from friends that one of their secrets to their happy marriages is separate vacations. I knew a couple like that in my skiing hey-day. He was an avid snowboarder, but she had MS, so when he went skiing with us, she went to a spa with her girlfriends, or went to a city with lots of galleries (she was into art).
No reason she has to love skiing. You can go skiing as a guy's night, and maybe she will enjoy having a girl's night to do one of her own hobbies you are not excited to partake in.
A relationship is nice when you have some same interests but I like having my "own thing".
My wife has taken some of my knives and guns as she liked them.
We both are avid readers but share very few authors.
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