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Heres my issue. I come from a broken family, and a very toxic past relationship (ended in 2008) which has caused major emotional havoc in my life in terms of sharing with anyone on a romantic level. I realized this about four months ago when trying to date and get physical with this girl I met.
Things have been great in terms of what she says and how she treats me. But due to my past I have been struggling to commit, as in have faith in this working out. This problem has revealed itself not only mentally, but performance wise as well...severe performance anxiety.
We have discussed things, not so much about the sex, but more so whats eating me and keeping me from being able to trust again. She has been great and really has been amazing to me through this all.
But there have been things from her past that trouble me. She was pretty heavy in the drug scene, not much earlier than when I first met her. Which she says she has stopped. All of her crew of friends are guys (all of whom are still heavy into some pretty heavy drugs), a couple of whom she has slept with. And just recently, she has been texting with a guy back and forth, quite regularly, and our texting has died down significantly.
Now Im all about giving a chance, and realize that girls will talk to guys. But I cant help but feel these things are not good. We are both young (mid twenties), so I know what goes on. But Im really attempting to give things a go, as much as I dont like whats going on. She's pretty up front, so I cant say shes trying to hide anything. She's been here for me, better than anyone...but I know I may be barking up the wrong tree with all this thats a normal part of her life.
I cant deny that the dudes, and the texting with another guy bother me...and may even add more to my fear both emotionally and physically...but I have been out of this game for three years, and she has been everything and more to me through our time together ( 6 moths total ).
I come with my own issues, but the things that go on in her life are troubling to me...even though she says all the right things to me. Should I be more concerned about her being around guys that she has slept with (one of wich I know still likes her) and the texting with this other guy (dont know his intentions--but they seem to text quite a bit)...maybe even the drugs, even though she says she has stopped.
Im taking a real long shot here I know...but its like this girl has said and done it all for me...do I take the excess as well?
Your instinct is telling you that something is not right and you are trying to rationalize it by blaming yourself because you have some unfinished emotional residue. You are only as good as the company you keep, if she is hanging out with people who do drugs, who she has slept with she has shown you that she has no respect for your feelings and little regard for your relationship.
I advise you to seek some counseling to do some emotional healing. Good luck.
Your advice is well received, thank you (: Your statement about my emotional residue is fairly bang on. I do feel that is allowing for me to put up with some things in the light of what seems to be a great girl. As I said, it's been three years, from everything relational. So in spite of these red flags, I'm used to having then come directly from that person rather than outside as these issues. AndI think that's why I'm hanging back, she treats me amazing...but you're right, these things are not normal and my past is allowing for me to put blinders on so to speak. And yes, consoling is something I feel I really need at this point.
Thanks for your response, it's very much appreciated
Moonsavvy is right. Not to make light of your problems, but I think drugs are probably connected to her and her lifestyle more than you might think. You see the drugs as being in the past. I'm not so sure that is the case (and neither are you). You say she was pretty heavy into drugs - unless she's 12-Stepping her way through life or getting other recovery counseling, the chances of relapse are enormous. She's already been around these guys, slept with a couple of them, apparently done drugs with them, and has never really left them behind as "friends". The siren song of substance abuse can't be ignored here. I'm not saying she was an addict, but even recreational users can get into serious head problems when the lure of an altered existence comes a-callin'. And for a user, it's always calling.
It very much sounds to me like she's trying to ride the fence and have her old life and a new one, too - and frankly, the old life is winning at this point and will most likely win in the long run. She treats you well and says all the right things, but that's no reason to ignore your little voice that says something isn't right. Go with your voice - it rarely is completely off the mark.
I'm sure you've heard the saying "Don't listen to their words, watch their actions". Although her words are giving you a sense of comfort, her actions are not - and who she is at the core is borne out in the company she keeps. Please know that users frequently are very, very good at saying the right thing and making things look aboveboard - we rarely know for a fact what it is they are hiding....it just comes to light through our little voice. Pay attention; I could be entirely wrong, but I've surely got the red flag on this one.
Take care of YOU first - the rest will fall into place. Go slowly, but do engage in some self-discovery. If you haven't had counseling, please get some...you're in recovery, too, from your last relationship and that needs to be addressed first of all. Until you are at peace with yourself, you can't really be what anyone else needs.
If shes serious about staying clean she should have cut the ties on friendships with other drug users. So, shes still got one foot in that world. If you continue the relationship with her, plan on her relapse.
If you've got trust and performance anxiety issues, then you have repair and work of your own to do.
Unfortunately, she can't fix you or vice versa, but it may be why the two of you were attracted.
Follow your instincts... These relationships with men she has BANGED are not healthy and she is most likely still BANGING them... They do drugs. You could catch HIV/STD from relations with her.
Your body, mind, and emotional well being are worth more than this. Aim Higher.
Think about how she would act if you had a gaggle of female friends you used to sleep with that you text and hang out with?
All you have to ask yourself is whether this situation is beneficial to you.
You say you came from a toxic relationship, but now appear to be trying to get into another one.
I'm not going to judge either of you, seems she's made some bad choices in her life and is trying to put them right, but do you want a relationship or a project ?
Sure, you guys can build a strong bond of trust together, but you both appear to have issues, do you have the patience too ?
1. Talk to her. Be clear to her and explain to her how you feel. If she doesn't like it and decides to end it, oh well. The most important thing in a relationship is communication. If you fail to communicate how you feel, she is not going to read your mind. How do you expect her to know this is bothering you if you don't come out in the open and explain it to her?
You know, people sometimes fail to see the bigger picture, until you point it out to them. That's why communication is important. If you keep this inside you, it is only going to get worse (Wait, you are already there: distrust) Being with someone and wondering if they are being faithful or not, is the worse feeling in the world. From distrust, you are going to move into bigger and worse issues: losing intimacy. Once you lose your intimacy with someone, it is over, you are done.
2. End it. You are young; this is stressing you out. You came out from a toxic relationship and this one is not even better. You seem to be very insecure and not ready to move on. When you end a really toxic relationship, a lot of things happen; you might lose your self steem. If you don't love yourself, how are you even going to be able to love somebody else?
From what I can gather from your original post, you might be considering breaking it. Honestly, I'd go with choice number one. Talk to her, explain to her how you feel. Let her know that you don't like her behavior and that you find it suspicious. If she really loves you though, she will be willing to sit down and have a dialogue about this so that you guys can move forward; if she doesn't seem to respond to having a dialogue, then end it. Save yourself the aggravation and possibly getting hurt again. Your insecurities are fueled by her actions (And trust me, you have VERY valid reasons to feel uneasy). I hope that you take the decision that is best for you and one that truly makes you happy.
Thank you to all who posted above. I really appreciate all your points. This is the first time I have ever been in a situation like this, and though I did come from a toxic relationship, I do realize these points I made are valid, and could very well be the start of another bad relationship. I am leaning toward letting go, though we do talk about things pretty openly, I have never really adressed the "guy and texting" issues 100 percent. I do want to trust her, as thats one thing that I need to rebuild from my past, so I think thats why I'm so willing to allow things. And as mentioned above, her ability to treat me like gold while she does these things makes it very difficult to maneuver without doubting myself in my decisions.
I realize people have opposite gender friends, but I'd be pretty uncomfortable with this situation. You've been through a hard time and when you decide to be in another relationship it should be a good one where you aren't constantly worrying because the girl is talking and hanging out with other guys nonstop. And like the other posters have said -- it's one thing to be a drug user in the past, but hanging out with people that do drugs makes me wonder if her drug use really is in the past. Why would she want to be around drugs if she's trying to stay clean?
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