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If one person later wants more than the other can give, then it's time to part ways.
Yes. This is particularly true if one person in the couple wants marriage and babies. Six months into things both people probably know what they want out of this thing and they need to come clean and let the other know. The sooner this "is this forever" thing is settled THE BETTER.
Because one thing marriage-resistant one can't give back to the other is TIME WASTED on someone who doesn't want you as much you want them.
If one person later wants more than the other can give, then it's time to part ways.
Yes. This is particularly true if one person in the couple wants marriage and babies. Six months into things both people probably know what they want out of this thing and they need to come clean and let the other know. The sooner this "is this forever" thing is settled THE BETTER.
Because one thing marriage-resistant one can't give back to the other is TIME WASTED on someone who doesn't want you as much you want them.
I caution my female friends and quite a few of the women on these boards about that, especially the ones in their late 20s to mid 30s. Like it or not, biology is not in a woman's favor there. When you're 22, it's easy to be with someone for a couple of years while the future is some distant thing on the horizon. You're also still figuring out what you want, and doing a lot of growing and changing.
When you're 35, not only do you know yourself a lot better (or should!), you know whether you're compatible with someone else more quickly and you have the motivation to act on what you know.
But even then, there are no guarantees. The divorce rate is proof of that. That's the part that has so many people wary of marriage. You can look around, as so many on these boards do, and say, "I'm never getting married because look at all the people who divorce/cheat/take each other to the cleaners/get lazy/let themselves go/change."
Accurate or not, you hear about the bad more often than you hear about the good. That's bound to influence people, the younger more than the older.
But when you get older, you realize that each relationship is really only about the two people in it, and it doesn't matter what other people do and what happens to other people. We all have friends who have had rough divorces. We all know people who have been worked over or played. We might have been through it, ourselves. It takes some wisdom and even some nads to take all of that under advisement, yet ultimately remember that it's just you and the other person, and that every person, and therefore every relationship, will be different. Call it the triumph of hope and perseverance.
But when you get older, you realize that each relationship is really only about the two people in it, and it doesn't matter what other people do and what happens to other people. We all have friends who have had rough divorces. We all know people who have been worked over or played. We might have been through it, ourselves. It takes some wisdom and even some nads to take all of that under advisement, yet ultimately remember that it's just you and the other person, and that every person, and therefore every relationship, will be different. Call it the triumph of hope and perseverance.
Wonderfully said, and I think that a lot of people have forgotten this and thrown out the (proverbial) baby with the bathwater. Divorce is a possibility. Untimely death or disability of a partner is another. So is the inability to have children. There are a litany of "cons" that don't support marriage or domestic partnership; examine them too closely to the exclusion of everything else and anyone would get freaked out.
I once talked with a marriage counselor who told me that most couples don't understand that there will be times during a marriage or relationship when they will feel ambivalence for their spouse or partner. And moreover, that feeling as though you don't love them anymore is perfectly normal and expected. But if the couple hangs in there, eventually they grow back together again and find solace in each other. Love is a verb. It's how we treat each other. Not just about how we feel.
Love is a big leap of faith. And it takes a lot of courage and endurance.
Who says every relationship has to have a purpose? If that's the case, we would all be married to the first person we ever had sex with. It's ok to just have fun.
I caution my female friends and quite a few of the women on these boards about that, especially the ones in their late 20s to mid 30s. Like it or not, biology is not in a woman's favor there. When you're 22, it's easy to be with someone for a couple of years while the future is some distant thing on the horizon. You're also still figuring out what you want, and doing a lot of growing and changing.
When you're 35, not only do you know yourself a lot better (or should!), you know whether you're compatible with someone else more quickly and you have the motivation to act on what you know.
But even then, there are no guarantees. The divorce rate is proof of that. That's the part that has so many people wary of marriage. You can look around, as so many on these boards do, and say, "I'm never getting married because look at all the people who divorce/cheat/take each other to the cleaners/get lazy/let themselves go/change."
Accurate or not, you hear about the bad more often than you hear about the good. That's bound to influence people, the younger more than the older.
But when you get older, you realize that each relationship is really only about the two people in it, and it doesn't matter what other people do and what happens to other people. We all have friends who have had rough divorces. We all know people who have been worked over or played. We might have been through it, ourselves. It takes some wisdom and even some nads to take all of that under advisement, yet ultimately remember that it's just you and the other person, and that every person, and therefore every relationship, will be different. Call it the triumph of hope and perseverance.
Good post. I do feel however, that both parties deserve to have what they want. If a woman has decided that in spite of all the bad press, she won't settle for less than a man who wants to marry her, if her values or preferences or morals tell she deserves the best, why should she waste even two years of her time on a man who has been so scalded or gunshy towards marriage that he's going to play a perpetual passive-aggressive game of managing her expectations downward?
Because he selfishly wants her, but on HIS terms.
Bad things happen to people in those "What does a piece of paper prove?" relationships too, you know. THEY get played, cheated on, seduced and abandoned, abused, too.
And people are still hooking up and shacking up by the millions in spite of the horror stories.
From what I have seen on these boards, women on their twenties are telling tales of having to compete with their younger sisters for men's favor and affection. So young isn't exactly the advantage it used to be. A woman listening to people who tell her, "you've got plenty of time" might be doing a very foolish thing by listening to them. Competition for good men is rough right now.
Who says every relationship has to have a purpose? If that's the case, we would all be married to the first person we ever had sex with. It's ok to just have fun.
Nothing wrong with fun. It's just sad at the number of 30 and 40 something women out there with no man because they didn't know when to stop.
Nothing wrong with fun. It's just sad at the number of 30 and 40 something women out there with no man because they didn't know when to stop.
There's nothing wrong with it in ones teens and early twenties. That's what this thing called "dating" is for — to help us suss out what kind of person we want, as well as our own expectations of relationships. Eventually, dating around and serial monogamy get old. Some people want most of their memories in life to include one spouse or mate, not ten or twenty. When there are so many "special people" in one's life, how do you decide which person was the most worthwhile?
I've only had two serious LTRs in my life. One was to the man I married, and the other was to a man I thought I might marry, but the relationship ended tragically and largely not of my own choice.
I love my BF, we are a committed, LTR couple. I don't want to live with him, and I don't want to marry him. He feels the same way about me. It is what it is....two people who are very happy together, dinner, drinks, quiet walks, romance. Does it need to "go anywhere" else? We are happy.
Good post. I do feel however, that both parties deserve to have what they want. If a woman has decided that in spite of all the bad press, she won't settle for less than a man who wants to marry her, if her values or preferences or morals tell she deserves the best, why should she waste even two years of her time on a man who has been so scalded or gunshy towards marriage that he's going to play a perpetual passive-aggressive game of managing her expectations downward?
Because he selfishly wants her, but on HIS terms.
Bad things happen to people in those "What does a piece of paper prove?" relationships too, you know. THEY get played, cheated on, seduced and abandoned, abused, too.
And people are still hooking up and shacking up by the millions in spite of the horror stories.
From what I have seen on these boards, women on their twenties are telling tales of having to compete with their younger sisters for men's favor and affection. So young isn't exactly the advantage it used to be. A woman listening to people who tell her, "you've got plenty of time" might be doing a very foolish thing by listening to them. Competition for good men is rough right now.
My point is that at 22, it's not a big deal for a woman to be in a relationship for a couple of years if she doesn't not to know what she wants. Obviously, if she knows she wants marriage and her boyfriend isn't sure, then she has the freedom to move on.
However, honestly? I wouldn't recommend marriage for most 22-year-olds, so I would disagree with the idea that it might be foolish to listen to those who tell her she has time. The pressure to find someone and get married is what leads to a lot of divorces later on, when people think back on all the things they didn't give themselves time and a chance to do. I see no reason for anyone in her (or his) early 20s to rush into marriage.
However, honestly? I wouldn't recommend marriage for most 22-year-olds, so I would disagree with the idea that it might be foolish to listen to those who tell her she has time. The pressure to find someone and get married is what leads to a lot of divorces later on, when people think back on all the things they didn't give themselves time and a chance to do. I see no reason for anyone in her (or his) early 20s to rush into marriage.
Me neither. And frankly, I don't advocate serious LTRs for anyone in his or her early to mid 20s unless the person actually does want to get married. This is not the age to be making big decisions, and relationships for no other purpose than recreation end up in needless drama. None of the relationships I had in my 20s mattered at all. I'm sure I had "fun" in the most frivolous sense of the word, but I can't remember much about them or the guys I was in relationships with — except for their names. That time would have been better used in other ways.
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