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So it is not a my-money, her-money thing but a matter of who deals with what. It is understood that it is collective money.
It sounds like it is her money, his money. If it weren't then she or you wouldn't need "your" money transferred to your account when you need it (for that car expense or whatever).
We have joint everything. One big pot. My husband makes almost all of the money - but I take care of all of our finances. It works for us. But I also don't have spending problems. If anything - my husband accuses me of being cheap!
It sounds like it is her money, his money. If it weren't then she or you wouldn't need "your" money transferred to your account when you need it (for that car expense or whatever).
This can actually be a matter of convenience. There are just some issues I deal with and some issues she deals with and neither of us are really interested in dealing with the other person's issues, so it's just easier if we pay for that stuff separately...then no one has to wonder, "Did x bill get paid?" Frankly, I don't give a crap about the utilities or the yard guy or the pool guy or filing all that crap. I care about the mortgage...investments, home repair, etc.
What sounds more complicated to ME is the whole 'put it all in one big pile, then divvy up household and blah blah, then give out allowances, blah blah, then have big, long protracted conversations about every purchase over blah blah dollars...'
These conversations don't occur at our house. We still talk to each other, but that's more because I like the sounding board.
This can actually be a matter of convenience. There are just some issues I deal with and some issues she deals with and neither of us are really interested in dealing with the other person's issues, so it's just easier if we pay for that stuff separately...then no one has to wonder, "Did x bill get paid?" Frankly, I don't give a crap about the utilities or the yard guy or the pool guy or filing all that crap. I care about the mortgage...investments, home repair, etc.
What sounds more complicated to ME is the whole 'put it all in one big pile, then divvy up household and blah blah, then give out allowances, blah blah, then have big, long protracted conversations about every purchase over blah blah dollars...'
These conversations don't occur at our house. We still talk to each other, but that's more because I like the sounding board.
We don't have allowances or divvy anything up. We don't have conversations about purchases or anything. I know how much money we have - so I know what we can afford and what we can't. I do most of the spending on my own unless it's on something really big - and then we make that decision together anyway. If we are running low on a given week or month - I'll let him know - but other than that - there really isn't anything major to discuss.
Whatever works for the couple involved is what they should do. If we had separate accounts - I WOULD have to be on an allowance or something - and that would make me feel like his maid or mistress or something - not his wife. But that's because of the way our lives are. My parents had joint everything and so do my husband's parents. It's just what makes the most sense to us. But I should reiterate - I don't have a spending problem. I suppose if one of the people involved has spending issues - it might be better to keep separate accounts so that at least one person is guaranteed to have some money!
My wife and i have been married for 20 years and have a joint account where both our wages get paid into.
After all the bills are paid we transfer about 33% into a savings account and use the rest for food, on the kids, stuff for the house, ourselves, whatever.
I trust her not to 'blow' it on anything and she trusts me to do the same. It doesn't mean we don't treat ourselves but it does mean we think about the affect treating ourselves would have on the rest of the family. I run a motorbike (which i don't need but love) and if it needs something i just have to think and talk to Mrs Baldrick before i spend silly money on it.
We've never had problems with this system, it works for us.
This has been really interesting to me to read this thread. I had no idea that so many couples were keeping their money completely separate, and that it was working out so well for them. It is really good to know. My gut feeling initially was that separate accounts would lead to problems/jealousy/resentment.... but it appears that it is often the opposite!
For the OP, I haven't read all the pages, but just wanted to make a couple points. Your husband's public service job probably has much better retirement benefits then your job, that are in a sense deferred compensation. It will be sweet when you are retired, if you are still together, as things like health insurance (if you retire early...) and a pension are probably some of those benefits that he mentioned. So he is actually contributing more then the 5% (vs. your 10%) towards retirement savings. He is sacrificing a higher salary now that he might get in the private sector for the benefits later.
Also, you are really not paying for your apartment 100% right now if you are renting it out. That rent is likely covering the monthly payment, and possibly more. So it is less of an out of pocket expense for you.
I also sympathize with your husband a little, understanding that he took you on as a financial risk in the relationship. It is hard for you to see from his perspective. You had a history of debt/credit card debit/apartment underwater without sufficient savings/emergency fund etc.... This is bad bad bad stuff, that you seem to be minimizing. You even talked about looking into short sale and other measures for your condo.... that made me annoyed, as you are the kind of person that should suck it up and pay for your apartment or wait to sell it. Not try to sneak around the system and get out of paying what you owe. The fact that you make a very good salary in a two salary working couple without financial hardship, yet looked into how to take advantage of loopholes in the housing market for people underwater on their mortgages, tells me that you don't have an appropriate sense of responsibility about your decisions.
You and your husband clearly have different values about money, and I see that as a problem long term.
The fact that you do not realize the seriousness of financial decision making makes your husband nervous. It is a very slippery slope... I find that people who eat out for lunch every day vs. those that bring their lunches daily are good way to separate people.
Last edited by sfcambridge; 04-07-2012 at 10:35 AM..
This can actually be a matter of convenience. There are just some issues I deal with and some issues she deals with and neither of us are really interested in dealing with the other person's issues, so it's just easier if we pay for that stuff separately...then no one has to wonder, "Did x bill get paid?" Frankly, I don't give a crap about the utilities or the yard guy or the pool guy or filing all that crap. I care about the mortgage...investments, home repair, etc.
What sounds more complicated to ME is the whole 'put it all in one big pile, then divvy up household and blah blah, then give out allowances, blah blah, then have big, long protracted conversations about every purchase over blah blah dollars...'
These conversations don't occur at our house. We still talk to each other, but that's more because I like the sounding board.
We don't really divvy anything up as far as bills go. He does make sure the cable and car payments are made, but it's through the joint account. I need to know exactly what is owed and how much for every bill in our household. I take care of the excel sheet, which ime is better than using online banking tools. I have our expenses broken down into categories as percentages of spending and income. It's easier for me to just keep track of one account than having to combine two accounts to keep track of the fiances.
Then we have our savings, our retirement, and our investments. The 401k contributions are taken from my paycheck only because my company has a high contribution and match rate. It wouldn't make sense for us, for example, not to take advantage of that perk due to separate finances.
I suppose it comes down to what you initially said about dealing with the other person's issues. We're both up in each others business 110%.
When I was married we did have a joint bank accounts. My husband at that time did travel for business frequently and would need the checkbook with him for a just in case situation. Since I had my own checking account since I was 18 I felt like a fish out of water without one, to remedy that situation we opened an additional checking account which we kept a small amount of money in that when he traveled I had checks I was able to use. Everything else was joint such as credit cards and our home mortgage. Anything we accumulated during our marriage was considered joint.
I can understand having some assets that you may wish to keep separate in the event of a divorce such as family jewelry which I'm including both husband or wife's family jewelry regardless if you received this prior to or after your married. Something such as that I feel should stay in the family from where it came.
In all honesty I can't see where having separate finances would make for a strong marriage. Someone is going to earn less than the other which I can see leading to arguments over money. In my humble opinion arguments over money is a sure fire way to destroy a marriage.
We had joint acct a month before we married. We sat down, talked. We discussed household chores, we decided to divide them but would still help the other but that person was mainly responsible for that chore being done. We made a no nagging rule, if dishes pile up then that is just more work for the person with that chore. We discussed alot of things. I was 18, he was 26, we had been dating 3mo at time of talk & married after 4mo. That was 25yr ago & we still act like newlyweds & get asked if we are.
In your situation, you needed to make more clear plans before you were married. You should have had a joint acct that you have your employer, yes they can for this w direct deposit, 25-33% of each of your income into that joint account. All bills get pais from that.
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