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I have been married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old son. When I met my husband, he basically manipulated me to get me to marry him. He lied about many things - his age, his profession, his income, etc. While we dated and after we were married, he visited dating and porn sites, gave out his real phone number and email address to people, and exchanged photos with people. I do not know if he met up with anyone in person, but I often felt that he did. We had chemistry and when he was nice he was very nice, so I stayed with him. Even though he was often manipulative and prone to temper tantrums. He bullied me into giving him all my money ($30,000), he bullied me into telling him I loved him (he actually asked me if I loved him, and when I did not answer he began to flirt with someone else... we were at a restaurant). When he is mad at me (and it can be over just about anything) he will give me the cold shoulder for the whole day. I am always blamed for it. It is a very uncomfortable environment a lot of the time. Now, a few years later, I have found out that he still visits porn sites basically whenever I am out. He has a lot of work to do but he will sit online and watch porn. He has a fake email address, but I am not sure if he has written to anyone. A few weeks ago we got a letter from a local college, banning him from ever visiting the college campus again; they said he had approached girls inappropriately. He denied it. So, my situation is that I have all of these skeletons in the closet: his temper, his womanizing, his porn addiction, his potential cheating, his controlling nature. On the other hand, he is not physically abusive, he loves our son and our son loves him. I am not sure that he will be nice to our son as he grow up, though. He already does not want me to spend money on our son, and sometimes he will shout at him. Sometimes he is very nice to me but I am not sure if he is faking it. Basically he needs me because I pay the bills and arrange most of our affairs. I honestly do not know what he would do if we separated, but I would be physically and financially fine if we did. Sometimes we have good times though, and I cannot decide if it is worthwhile for me to stay for those good times. Most of the time I feel either unhappy or indifferent. He is not willing to discuss our relationship or work on anything. He denies any wrongdoing on his part, and blames me for being nervous and yapping at him.
you have some major league challenges that may only be able to improve if you no longer live with him, or at least until you can get your head straight and recover from the emotional trauma you have experienced. take care of yourself and your son first.
I think you do not realise how much his emotional and verbal abuse is damaging you. It's the frog in hot water thing, very typical of abusive relationships.
The abuse will probably turn physical in the future, once he has you brainwashed enough that he is sure you won't leave him over it. Get out now.
the upside, is that you sound like you can be on your own,,and not dependent on this slug...
you need to find your self worth,,,NOT from this man....i would set little goals and work towards them,,,align them,,,so you can eventually,,,separate from this loser..
if you have family thats close....like brothers/uncles, etc, invite them over more...
if/when you do leave...be sure you have some guys around-that he knows can be around in a moments notice,,,,men who abuse women...wont mess with other men so easily...and also know that a big brother or uncle will pound them...if asked,,or if they suspect abuse..
Get out now. This situation sent the hairs on the back of my neck straight up in the air. This guy is so chock full of red flags it is not even funny.
Call a domestic violence center (because he shows all the signs of escalating one day) and have them recommend a lawyer or two and give you some guidelines for developing an exit strategy. Please do this TODAY.
Also, DOCUMENT everything. Copy the hard drives to all the computers in the house, keep a log of his behaviors. Take what you can out of any joint accounts when you leave (though ask the lawyer about this first).
Please get out. He is an abuser, and you are suffering now. If your son isn't suffering in this kind of household, he soon will be. You need to act in your best interests and the best interests of your child - not according to the wishes of an unstable narcissist/sociopath.
Thanks everyone for the responses. Any more responses will be appreciated. I guess I am not expecting anyone to advise me to stay. I do not feel that any kind of therapy could help. I believe that our relationship was built largely on lies, and he has no problem lying to my face. After finding his previous behavior (making a fake email address, sending pictures to people, writing to people - I do not have a lot of proof but I have some stills from his computer saved) I decided to let it go. Only for the sake of my son, as I thought he wanted to have a father. But then a week ago I woke up early and surprised my husband. He was on his computer and slammed it shut. He would not let me touch it. He opened it and deleted the history and then let me see. I asked him what he was doing. He said nothing. I checked the history. It had been deleted. He said he didn't delete it and does not even know how to delete it. So I began to spy on him again. It has only been 2 days but I noticed that several times he would send me out alone, saying he was tired, and the very second I left he was checking porn sites. He did that the entire time I was out. I didn't find anything else this time, but I am sure I will if I wait. We do not have any money now. He has basically spent it all. He made us move away from my family to an expensive area and then refused to get a job. I supported us and paid for our apartment, furniture, and car (which we have as a loan in both of our names DOH!), but at the same time he refused to get a job. He did not start to make any money at all until about 6 months after we moved. He started his own business but it is not profitable yet. He also puts all of the money he makes into a business account which does not have my name on it. Our bills are paid by me. I am supposed to shift all of my money over to our joint account. At this stage there is nothing there. If I had been alone I would have saved at least $80,000 by now. He originally took my $30,000 three years ago to invest into his business. That was lost along with his money and he is not apologetic, he acts like it is nothing. I worked hard for 2 years to save that money. Anyway, to make a long story short, I feel that I stay out of fear. I walk on tip toes and basically try not to say anything now, because his reaction is either an outburst, or something negative. I am studying now and when I do well (I get the highest grades in the class) he tells me it is thanks to him (weird). He will actually say things like, "you're doing better than your classmates because they do not have a husband like me." Also, he says I am doing well because I do not work but my classmates do. I actually work full-time, but from home. Anyway, I work full-time and I am almost entirely responsible for our son, so I think I work. It's just comments like these I hear all the time. Of course, for every negative comment he will sometimes make a positive comment, but usually I do not feel that he is sincere. I feel that he thinks I am stupid and he is just taking advantage of me.
This is classic verbal and emotional abuse and he sounds very warped . You need to get away from him . He is a pig and he is sick and twisted and he will start in on your son if you dont get away from him for the safety of yourself and your son and believe me when I say I know what Im talking about . Please talk to someone in a counseling position , there are plenty of places you can go for help and or talk to them but do it from another phone not yours . Get yourself and your son to a shelter and start divorce proceedings and for gods sake let your lawyer know that he stole and or took your money and waisted it away . He is a user and an abuser and a loser and the sooner you are away from him you will be better . Get an order of protection as well . Leave his azz in the wind and go go go . Please take care of yourself and get yourself and your son to the shelter as fast as you can . The shelter for abused women will help you get on your feet . One day you will look back and say how could I have gone through that for so long ? Good luck to you .
You need to leave. Take all evidence with you (this is a case where snooping IS a good thing!). DO. NOT. TELL. HIM. you plan to leave. Get all your ducks in a row (move back to where family is, or just get place close to your job, new bank account for your checks to be direct deposited into, or simply cash them yourself). See a lawyer to know EXACTLY where you stand BEFORE your leave!.
You married him under fraudulent circumstances. I bet, if you got married by a church, you could have the marriage annulled.
I am not sure why you married a man who was visiting dating sites (and porn sites since that bothers you) while you were still dating, nor why did you bore his child, but I am guessing you have extremely bad self esteem issues. I agree with everyone else that you need to get out of this situation. But it is very important that you face your own role in this so that you choose more wisely next time (if there is a next time).
This is a problem, a classic statement from a woman in an abusive relationship. "We had chemistry and when he was nice he was very nice, so I stayed with him. Even though he was often manipulative and prone to temper tantrums." Your child is watching everything that is happening. I am not one to push therapy on people but I think it would be very helpful for you.
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