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We talked today. We've made progress is finding out what is causing our problems. Mostly comments I have made in the past (although definately not trying to be hurtful, I hurt both her and her mother from a Comment I made to them), and also my lathargy. She mentioned a 3-day weekend trip she had planned several months ago to go up to Long Beach to see the Aquarium. I flaked out of it and instead we stayed home and literally did nothing. I can see now, after my comfy shell has been cracked, that I was a fool to not participate in life together.
I'm wondering if you wife, isn't mature enough to realize this and if she isn't being influenced by her mother?
I can see that she is influenced in some ways by her mother, or her mother's opinions, and I can also see that she can't see it. This is one of the things we need to talk about with the marriage counselor. I should mention that her mother knew nothing of my wife's decision to 'separate'... Her mother believes that I love her daughter, moreso then any other man has or ever could, and she has told me that we are best for eachother, and that she couldn't have found a better man.
It was nice of you to apologize to both of them....but I'm interested in what their reaction was when you did so?
Her mother and I made amends the best we could, after not talking to each other for a day or two. My wife was relieved after I apologized, but seemed disconnected from me.
Did you really feel you were wrong....did you insult the mother, I mean, like really tear into her?
I do feel I was wrong. I'm not the type to rip into anyone... When I disagree with someone I can become laconic, sarcastic, and in the end, my way of arguing can turn hurtful very quickly.
Let me describe what happened here: After one disagreement, we had moved onto other conversation - They were talking about going back to see her mother next year... I made a comment along the lines of "have fun" - as in to suggest she would have to visit her family alone. A huge, stupid mistake on my part...
You said your wife's mother came for a visit and your wife wants to move near her. How far away does her mother live from you?
We live in SoCal and she lives in Conneticut.
Is she afraid in the apartment alone at night? Have you asked her about this?
When we first got together we talked about this. While she was scared at first, it eventually faded. She misses me at night. And I miss her. This is a problem that can only be resolved by going to days, which I have been thinking about for a long while. Now is the time to do it.
If your wife truly loved you then she would stay with you, yes? She couldn't look you in the eyes and lie to you, grasshopper! Too many mind.
She told me to be at home when she gets back. I have the two nights off after her return, and I plan to take full advantage of those days with her.
I think she realised that I needed a kick in my ass to wake up from my lathargy. I wasn't working hard enough (...if at all) on our relationship, and I think she needs the space to be able to figure out how to create a solution.
She held my hand in the car while I was dropping her off. She almost started to cry when she said goodbye... I know she still loves me. But love me the way she did? I dont know. Can it be repaired? Can the Damage be undone? I hope so. I will fight to restore what we had, so save what we still have.
I'm going to find a marraige counselor immediately. I'm also going to plan several fun trips in the next few weeks... also alot of talking time. I've also decided I'm going to write her a letter for when she returns, to try and tell her how much I love her and that I will change, not only for her, but for myself.
I honestly feel you two can work this out. You are young and still learning how important communication is in a marriage. If you really want to work this out, you will. This isn't damage as you called it. This is a learning experience. Try to use a different perspective. It's not that it's the end, it's the beginning. Don't be so serious. It you are not open to change, you will become stagnant. There are so many more years to live, love and learn. Have some fun. Marriage is what you put into it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Even if your right....
What would it matter who files divorce papers first?
Statistics list over two thirds of divorce filings are from females.
I feel to many males wait until it's forced movement before enlightenment occurs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thelostsouls
She mentioned a 3-day weekend trip she had planned several months ago to go up to Long Beach to see the Aquarium. I flaked out of it and instead we stayed home and literally did nothing. I can see now, after my comfy shell has been cracked, that I was a fool to not participate in life together.
When the male lowers the females interest level, (the engine) and key words are given from the female, (rod knocking). The engine doesn't need a rebuild...it's blown. The new engine requires maintenance after the warranty expires, dude.
This is a clean up case.
Teenagers are on the roller coaster with their emotions, up and down...
There is a break down of communication...for years!
Understanding each others personality still appears to lack clarity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thelostsouls
We live in SoCal and she lives in Conneticut.
I'm going to find a marraige counselor immediately.
I know of a SoCal person who can provide proper coaching. If you send me a PM, I will reply with his contact information.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thelostsouls
I'm also going to plan several fun trips in the next few weeks... also alot of talking time. I've also decided I'm going to write her a letter for when she returns, to try and tell her how much I love her and that I will change, not only for her, but for myself.
Macho boy plans all the 'fun trips' and doesn't take the time to practice the six P's of life. When she plans Aquarium trips, it doesn't happen. But when you plan trips, it does, right? Are ya still with me? Sounds Macho to me...but I could be wrong.
Actions speak louder than words. Writing goals together for the future holds more weight than a 'I will change' letter.
Remember, excessive time together can hurt relationships too.
"You never miss the water until the well runs dry"
If you are capable of seeing and admitting your own mistakes, there is hope. The people who are a lost cause are the ones that can take no blame. Every bad thing they do is someone else's fault.
Relationships are hard work. They have to be nurtured and cared for on a daily basis. Especially if you don't see each other much. One other suggestion, get rid of the XBox!
relationships never stay the same, they are constantly changing, (evolving)
I believe this can be worked out, but you've both got to be honest with each other and bring everything to the table, and when you both do, you can't take the other one's complaint as an attack against your character, but truly as something that must be worked on and changed.
One thing which bothers me, is, I don't think the "have fun" comment, was bad enough for your relationship to come to a hault...and your mother in laws behavior, sounds a bit immature for me. I don't know, I wasn't there, but, you sound like your being very honest and putting your cards on the table...?
To the poster who said, he needs to file for divorce right away....that comment to me, still does not make sense....what does it matter, be it men in denial....who files for divorce first? It makes no sense to me....I'm sorry I can't grasp the reality of what you are saying...I simply don't understand...
this entire situation doesn't sound like it is any where near a divorce...this can be worked out, between two mature adults. Things happen, and if people are going to throw in the towel at the first disagreement....then I suggest, a lesson in reality & maturity.
No two people are ever on the same plain at the same time, and people are naturally going to disagree. To take a disagreement beyond the scope and contemplate divorce, to me, simply said, that person who runs away from life at the slightest sound of confrontation and needs to grow up...and needs to understand what life and reality is.
Sheesh, I dated a man once, who said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me....but the moment there were even the slightest words, he took it as a personal attack against his character, and the relationship was over....man, oh man, you just can't realistically survive relationships with that attitude. It got so, I feared giving my opinion or even discussing an issue, and if I didn't agree with him, he would proceed to try and make me feel like a fool for my belief. Very unhealthy.
Anyway, the mother frightens me a little, as, it seems she is a bit like I've described above, which is going to make you fear repercussions, if you disagree with her and speak up. You should be allowed to speak up, but in a calm and respectful way. Yanno?
I dunno, just my thoughts, I could be wrong.
Sending along my best thougths for the both of you....
Well we're seeing a marriage counselor on thursday. She called me this morning from Sanfran... She's having a good time. She called me again a few hours later to talk to me again... which surprised me, seeing as how she wanted some space.
Thank you all for your responses... and Creme, aside from talking to my mother, Your post helped to settle me down the most. Thank you.
Well we're seeing a marriage counselor on thursday. She called me this morning from Sanfran... She's having a good time. She called me again a few hours later to talk to me again... which surprised me, seeing as how she wanted some space.
Thank you all for your responses... and Creme, aside from talking to my mother, Your post helped to settle me down the most. Thank you.
Ah another relationship at the crossroads. Well, let me impart my experience in this to you. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me one Valentine's Day and it was one of those like you mentioned. I could see it so easily what I had done wrong and that I wasn't really investing myself in the relationship. There's a really good book from the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus collection subtitled "Together Forever". Buy it, read it. It talks about just these things you are having issues with.
Eventually we got back together (all of three weeks later after much wooing had failed and I'd given up.) and we eventually married and have been for 8 years. It's a CONSTANT effort to get out and do things I don't necessarily want to do, and from time to time I catch myself falling back into the lazy patterns and such (ESPECIALLY during football season ).
I also have a habit of taking verbal jabs at my wife sometimes when I'm not thinking. It took us watching a vacation video of ours and actually hearing me do it on tape to really feel how hurtful that could be and I was ashamed. It sounds like you have a similar sarcastic edge to you that might occasionally get you into trouble much as I do.
Well, this was a couple of months ago and I just sat down with her one night and apologized for it. For ALL of it and told her that I don't mean it. I get frustrated when someone doesn't understand what I mean the first time I say something and can get ugly and I'm very cognizant of that fact and will do my best to knock it off and she was appreciative of it....
Point is, to acknowledge these things before-hand and to TALK TALK TALK.... Head these things off at the pass before they boil into resentment.
It sounds like you are on the right track. Before I got married, a couple people told me: "Never stop dating!" and it is true.
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Have some fun. Marriage is what you put into it. Nothing more, nothing less.
