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Need your help please.
My relationship is broken now after 4 years and don’t know what to do. Being man it is difficult to cry but the tears do come out at the end when no one is around. I feel weak, sad, stupid, upset and don’t know what else to write.
Our relationship ended in an unsaid way, not like if me or she broke it with the words saying “things are not working out”. But I do remember me saying her last that we will meet when the time comes. So I guess its me then, but when I said the situation was tense and was in such a way that with solid thoughts I had to say it before leaving her house.
I am 42 & divorced with no kids and she is 1 month elder to me & divorced with 2 kids and a disable mom. I know it is quite difficult to cope with things when u are single and have to look after the kids and mother. I met her when I was just coming out of the devastating stage of my divorce. She made me aware of that she cannot have any kids and we took it as lets see where it would go.
We had some great time together including excellent physical intimacy. She is a great outgoing person always want to be out and about. Describing her, she is well settled with kids and mother and money coming in and a quite secure job with not much of future financial burden. Whereas me, travelled from a diff country, got into marriage, no kids, no house, an ok job and wanting to have a family life having my own kids, who would call me “dad” and not “uncle” like how I am being called by her kids.
The only good things between us was a good intimate relationship apart from that she goes north and I chose south, our thoughts don’t match much. After meeting her and a year of steady relationship as such I lost my job due to recession and I was down, this was second thing happened in my life first being divorce. Though I would have cope with the situation as like in the divorce but then she was there to stand by me. Having no job and lots of time she invited me to her house and I then started going to her house may be twice a week, the kids & her mother started liking me. One day the boy talked out loud quite a few things including “I am the only man surrounded by women in this house, there is no other man” and felt that he is missing a manly hood in the house. I then decided to go there gradually to almost every other day. Spending time with the kids was fun and as I always wanted kids of my own, her kids I took it as my own and filling the missing place of a father.
It was not like I never stood by her, whenever she needed me I was always there. I have technical knowledge of many things and it helped her in her daily life in all these 4 years, saving money and stress if she would have been alone. She does have some physical problems and whenever she was in pain she can’t do anything, couldn’t even cook, at those times I used to cook for the whole family & everybody used to like it as well, this was just after the first year of knowing her.
In cold weather she was in pain every other day and so me on the cooking. I did all that because she was my friend and I loved her. With the kids, the older boy I used to play football thought I don’t really like football, I played just to keep the boy happy, maybe a father would have done the same. When spending time with them I was always counted as “a family friend” and “mom’s best friend” and “uncle”, which at times used to hurt quite a lot. When all together I used to make everybody laugh telling stories of what I did when I was quite young. Many times whenever she loses her temper because of her mother I always used to calm her down and bring the whole family back to happy stage.
As I said she is quite well to do, she then got people cooking for her on weekdays and still then I used to cook on the weekends, verities of things for the family. I literally felt that am I the cook for the house as even kids started asking me “uncle what are you making for us”, this was the resemblance for the other cook who used to cook in weekdays.
In these 4 years’ time I never forgot the kids and her birthday but when they went on holiday they forgot mine, it hurt me quite a lot. One day the little girl went on the school trip and she bought everybody some good gifts and she forgot to bring anything for me so she offered me a “toothbrush” as a gift. It hurt again.
When I was on holiday to other country I bought them so many gifts more than a father would have brought. I thought is it only me who needs them or they need me as well, or is it they need me just because I make them laugh, cook for them; help her in her regular things including daily chores. Then the there was another one, the girl goes to another trip and draws a picture of her family as on (2012) where she draws herself, brother and mother, of course I was not there because I am not legally in the family even when I was spending nearly 8 – 9 hours there almost every day, today I thought “for what”? Now these 4 years they are at stage where most of the things in life are achieved and very less is required. Seeing such thing in such a modern world, where do I stand for that family, use it and throw it?
Forgot to mention things about money, whenever if I bought anything for their house or the kids she would pay me the money back, even if it was just a couple of quid, sometimes I didn’t take it though but that attitude did hurt me all the time. She even offered me some on our first sex after the meeting; I did not take it, just laughed at her and took it easy. I should have realised this then.
Another one was, whenever she is down and she starts talking about things, I would listen to her nicely, quietly and respond her with some good talk. But the reverse is not true, whenever I am upset due to anything outside our circle, and if I talk about things (of course not hers), and obviously it is bad, she would tell me straight why does she have to listen to it, is that person listening who did this to you, at that time I was feeling like I always listen to you on such things I never said that and when I am upset and if I am just talking out about few things why can’t you listen and try to calm me down, so it always remained one way traffic.
As spending lots of time together I wanted sometime for myself and as living alone I needed to take care of my house as well and looking for a job in my field I needed to study as well, so I asked her if she could not disturb me for “few days on weekdays as I need to study”, I had some time off as I do part time job. She then just stopped calling me on weekdays apart from some emergencies; she took it in a bad way.
Finally the day came where she said in an argument that she would not call me in the morning (Sat/Sun), though she already stopped calling me on weekdays. So being in her house, thinking about what’s just happened and in a very thoughtful way and calmly I then said “ok then will see you when we can” and I left. Then she goes on holiday with her family, which she did ask me a month ago if I could come, and I did book holidays from work and she knew that. Since then not much of interventions until yesterday when she texted me from her holiday that she would drop my house keys on her return. This thing has just put me down completely and felt emptiness in my body.
The details I have put here is just 10 or 20% of the points there are more but can’t put everything here. The things were already started deteriorating since a year, she keeping herself busy in other things etc. She being mother of 2 she has got support whenever she is down, the kids and her mother is always there. But for a person like me who has no one around and no family in this country, to handle this one is quite painful; I just don’t have the words how to describe it, still just wondering have I done anything wrong or what should I do now?
Thanks for listening, really appreciated.
Last edited by jdwis; 08-22-2012 at 02:43 PM..
Reason: correcting paragraphs
Need your help please.
My relationship is broken now after 4 years and don’t know what to do. Being man it is difficult to cry but the tears do come out at the end when no one is around. I feel weak, sad, stupid, upset and don’t know what else to write.
Our relationship ended in an unsaid way, not like if me or she broke it with the words saying “things are not working out”. But I do remember me saying her last that we will meet when the time comes. So I guess its me then, but when I said the situation was tense and was in such a way that with solid thoughts I had to say it before leaving her house.
I am 42 & divorced with no kids and she is 1 month elder to me & divorced with 2 kids and a disable mom. I know it is quite difficult to cope with things when u are single and have to look after the kids and mother. I met her when I was just coming out of the devastating stage of my divorce. She made me aware of that she cannot have any kids and we took it as lets see where it would go.
We had some great time together including excellent physical intimacy. She is a great outgoing person always want to be out and about. Describing her, she is well settled with kids and mother and money coming in and a quite secure job with not much of future financial burden. Whereas me, travelled from a diff country, got into marriage, no kids, no house, an ok job and wanting to have a family life having my own kids, who would call me “dad” and not “uncle” like how I am being called by her kids.
The only good things between us was a good intimate relationship apart from that she goes north and I chose south, our thoughts don’t match much. After meeting her and a year of steady relationship as such I lost my job due to recession and I was down, this was second thing happened in my life first being divorce. Though I would have cope with the situation as like in the divorce but then she was there to stand by me. Having no job and lots of time she invited me to her house and I then started going to her house may be twice a week, the kids & her mother started liking me. One day the boy talked out loud quite a few things including “I am the only man surrounded by women in this house, there is no other man” and felt that he is missing a manly hood in the house. I then decided to go there gradually to almost every other day. Spending time with the kids was fun and as I always wanted kids of my own, her kids I took it as my own and filling the missing place of a father.
It was not like I never stood by her, whenever she needed me I was always there. I have technical knowledge of many things and it helped her in her daily life in all these 4 years, saving money and stress if she would have been alone. She does have some physical problems and whenever she was in pain she can’t do anything, couldn’t even cook, at those times I used to cook for the whole family & everybody used to like it as well, this was just after the first year of knowing her.
In cold weather she was in pain every other day and so me on the cooking. I did all that because she was my friend and I loved her. With the kids, the older boy I used to play football thought I don’t really like football, I played just to keep the boy happy, maybe a father would have done the same. When spending time with them I was always counted as “a family friend” and “mom’s best friend” and “uncle”, which at times used to hurt quite a lot. When all together I used to make everybody laugh telling stories of what I did when I was quite young. Many times whenever she loses her temper because of her mother I always used to calm her down and bring the whole family back to happy stage.
As I said she is quite well to do, she then got people cooking for her on weekdays and still then I used to cook on the weekends, verities of things for the family. I literally felt that am I the cook for the house as even kids started asking me “uncle what are you making for us”, this was the resemblance for the other cook who used to cook in weekdays.
In these 4 years’ time I never forgot the kids and her birthday but when they went on holiday they forgot mine, it hurt me quite a lot. One day the little girl went on the school trip and she bought everybody some good gifts and she forgot to bring anything for me so she offered me a “toothbrush” as a gift. It hurt again.
When I was on holiday to other country I bought them so many gifts more than a father would have brought. I thought is it only me who needs them or they need me as well, or is it they need me just because I make them laugh, cook for them; help her in her regular things including daily chores. Then the there was another one, the girl goes to another trip and draws a picture of her family as on (2012) where she draws herself, brother and mother, of course I was not there because I am not legally in the family even when I was spending nearly 8 – 9 hours there almost every day, today I thought “for what”? Now these 4 years they are at stage where most of the things in life are achieved and very less is required. Seeing such thing in such a modern world, where do I stand for that family, use it and throw it?
Forgot to mention things about money, whenever if I bought anything for their house or the kids she would pay me the money back, even if it was just a couple of quid, sometimes I didn’t take it though but that attitude did hurt me all the time. She even offered me some on our first sex after the meeting; I did not take it, just laughed at her and took it easy. I should have realised this then.
Another one was, whenever she is down and she starts talking about things, I would listen to her nicely, quietly and respond her with some good talk. But the reverse is not true, whenever I am upset due to anything outside our circle, and if I talk about things (of course not hers), and obviously it is bad, she would tell me straight why does she have to listen to it, is that person listening who did this to you, at that time I was feeling like I always listen to you on such things I never said that and when I am upset and if I am just talking out about few things why can’t you listen and try to calm me down, so it always remained one way traffic.
As spending lots of time together I wanted sometime for myself and as living alone I needed to take care of my house as well and looking for a job in my field I needed to study as well, so I asked her if she could not disturb me for “few days on weekdays as I need to study”, I had some time off as I do part time job. She then just stopped calling me on weekdays apart from some emergencies; she took it in a bad way.
Finally the day came where she said in an argument that she would not call me in the morning (Sat/Sun), though she already stopped calling me on weekdays. So being in her house, thinking about what’s just happened and in a very thoughtful way and calmly I then said “ok then will see you when we can” and I left. Then she goes on holiday with her family, which she did ask me a month ago if I could come, and I did book holidays from work and she knew that. Since then not much of interventions until yesterday when she texted me from her holiday that she would drop my house keys on her return. This thing has just put me down completely and felt emptiness in my body.
The details I have put here is just 10 or 20% of the points there are more but can’t put everything here. The things were already started deteriorating since a year, she keeping herself busy in other things etc. She being mother of 2 she has got support whenever she is down, the kids and her mother is always there. But for a person like me who has no one around and no family in this country, to handle this one is quite painful; I just don’t have the words how to describe it, still just wondering have I done anything wrong or what should I do now?
Thanks for listening, really appreciated.
For anyone that wants to read this I broke it down. It's a very hard read without paragraphs.
I don't have much to say because I cannot relate to your situation. You were used but no one uses you without your permission. This woman has so much baggage that I think you could have done better in the first place.
As far as what you should do now I'm afraid you will have to take the loss. The drawing of that picture without you in it was the worst and saddest part of your post that I read, especially considering all that you have done. That had to hurt.
This may not make you feel better but I have very little in the way of family and I live a fairly solitude lifestyle that I have dealt with since I broke up with my ex wife (no kids) over 5 years ago. Get in the correct mindset and you can do it as well. Being in your early 40s is a lot better than me who is mid-50s. It gets a lot harder when you get older. There is still time for you to have a family since that is what you really want. To give it to you straight that may or may not happen.
Be careful who you get involved with and best wishes.
For anyone that wants to read this I broke it down. It's a very hard read without paragraphs.
I don't have much to say because I cannot relate to your situation. You were used but no one uses you without your permission. This woman has so much baggage that I think you could have done better in the first place.
As far as what you should do now I'm afraid you will have to take the loss. The drawing of that picture without you in it was the worst and saddest part of your post that I read, especially considering all that you have done. That had to hurt.
This may not make you feel better but I have very little in the way of family and I live a fairly solitude lifestyle that I have dealt with since I broke up with my ex wife (no kids) over 5 years ago. Get in the correct mindset and you can do it as well. Being in your early 40s is a lot better than me who is mid-50s. It gets a lot harder when you get older. There is still time for you to have a family since that is what you really want. To give it to you straight that may or may not happen.
Be careful who you get involved with and best wishes.
I appreciate that, thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FromTN2A2
Where are your friends?
Presently in UK but basically from India.
(Sorry didnt get it right, cant think straight at times like this)
I have just a few friends here and all are busy and cant be helpful in situations like this, I mean not as good friends to disclose the matters to this level. All the best friends who even I could cry on their shoulders are in India but not here in UK.
Last edited by jdwis; 08-22-2012 at 03:17 PM..
Reason: corrections
You gotta make new friends. You say you have been there for 4 years right? Time to make friends. Even associates are fine, but you need a social circle around you or you could very likely fall into depression. Go meet people and laugh. I know it will be difficult but you have to force yourself to since you have noone around to force you. I am so sorry that this happened. Wishing you the best dear.
Sounds like you were quite conveinent for that family, but they didn't go out of their way to make you feel wanted.
Now will be the worst part.
First, considering you were being used to some point (lets be honest, you enjoyed what you did to some level), it hurts becuase you hoped one day she/they would come to appriciate you the way you appreciated them.
Do not try to fix things in this relationship. You will always he underappreciated. If after 4 years, you have to assume your gf will not change.
do not call the exgf or her family. You need to walk away from this. Even though there were aspects of the relationship with the gf and family you enjoyed, you will most likely never get the return appreciation you need from them.
Second, find or rediscover a hobby. and spend time with family and friends if possible. The more you sit around and do nothing, the more you will hurt and mope around. Break ups are hard. Excercise if you are able. It is a great stress reliever.
If you suffer from high anxiety post breakup, maybe contact your Doctor if possible for anti anxeity medication. Eat food! For me, I have NO appetite post break up. But eat anyway. The old cliche, time heals.... honestly, hobbys and time spent with friends/family heals. Time is just what people refer to as a way to say, "keep living life".
It will be hard, and it will take a while to get over.
Sounds like you were quite conveinent for that family, but they didn't go out of their way to make you feel wanted.
Now will be the worst part.
First, considering you were being used to some point (lets be honest, you enjoyed what you did to some level), it hurts becuase you hoped one day she/they would come to appriciate you the way you appreciated them.
Do not try to fix things in this relationship. You will always he underappreciated. If after 4 years, you have to assume your gf will not change.
do not call the exgf or her family. You need to walk away from this. Even though there were aspects of the relationship with the gf and family you enjoyed, you will most likely never get the return appreciation you need from them.
Second, find or rediscover a hobby. and spend time with family and friends if possible. The more you sit around and do nothing, the more you will hurt and mope around. Break ups are hard. Excercise if you are able. It is a great stress reliever.
If you suffer from high anxiety post breakup, maybe contact your Doctor if possible for anti anxeity medication. Eat food! For me, I have NO appetite post break up. But eat anyway. The old cliche, time heals.... honestly, hobbys and time spent with friends/family heals. Time is just what people refer to as a way to say, "keep living life".
It will be hard, and it will take a while to get over.
Sounds like you were quite conveinent for that family, but they didn't go out of their way to make you feel wanted.
Now will be the worst part.
First, considering you were being used to some point (lets be honest, you enjoyed what you did to some level), it hurts becuase you hoped one day she/they would come to appriciate you the way you appreciated them.
Do not try to fix things in this relationship. You will always he underappreciated. If after 4 years, you have to assume your gf will not change.
do not call the exgf or her family. You need to walk away from this. Even though there were aspects of the relationship with the gf and family you enjoyed, you will most likely never get the return appreciation you need from them.
Second, find or rediscover a hobby. and spend time with family and friends if possible. The more you sit around and do nothing, the more you will hurt and mope around. Break ups are hard. Excercise if you are able. It is a great stress reliever.
If you suffer from high anxiety post breakup, maybe contact your Doctor if possible for anti anxeity medication. Eat food! For me, I have NO appetite post break up. But eat anyway. The old cliche, time heals.... honestly, hobbys and time spent with friends/family heals. Time is just what people refer to as a way to say, "keep living life".
It will be hard, and it will take a while to get over.
This.
But also, there's one important thing to keep in mind: YOU were not the lucky one to be included into the family. THEY were lucky to have you. How many guys would go that far out of their way for a single mother and kids? Not many. Not only did the kids not appreciate you, but neither did their mom. You said she supported you, but later on, you talked about how you would come to her with your problems and she would basically brush you off. In all honesty, I got a little angry just reading your post, man. It might not feel like it right now, but you are far better off without them....and they have lost something great in you.
I think you should go out and date. Find some single guys and go out with them and meet some new girls as soon as you can.
Best of luck, dude. You're a good guy and you deserve a girl that can see that!
Sounds like you were quite conveinent for that family, but they didn't go out of their way to make you feel wanted.
Now will be the worst part.
First, considering you were being used to some point (lets be honest, you enjoyed what you did to some level), it hurts becuase you hoped one day she/they would come to appriciate you the way you appreciated them.
Do not try to fix things in this relationship. You will always he underappreciated. If after 4 years, you have to assume your gf will not change.
do not call the exgf or her family. You need to walk away from this. Even though there were aspects of the relationship with the gf and family you enjoyed, you will most likely never get the return appreciation you need from them.
Time is just what people refer to as a way to say, "keep living life".
It will be hard, and it will take a while to get over.
Thanks AverageGuy2006, yes it was absolutely true, I was available for them anytime but I realised that quite lately. And ya just for few days I lost my appetite.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainJack87
This.
But also, there's one important thing to keep in mind: YOU were not the lucky one to be included into the family. THEY were lucky to have you. How many guys would go that far out of their way for a single mother and kids? Not many. Not only did the kids not appreciate you, but neither did their mom. You said she supported you, but later on, you talked about how you would come to her with your problems and she would basically brush you off. In all honesty, I got a little angry just reading your post, man. It might not feel like it right now, but you are far better off without them....and they have lost something great in you.
I think you should go out and date. Find some single guys and go out with them and meet some new girls as soon as you can.
Best of luck, dude. You're a good guy and you deserve a girl that can see that!
Captain Jack
Thanks CaptainJack87, I like your name, I am a fan of Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of caribbean).
I think you are right, I would be better off without them, no matter what I do now (after 4 years, god know how many years more), it is not gonna change.
Basically as I said earlier somewhere, she is quite well to do now and sometimes, some women get quite high & mighty, things run over their head & just stays there because allthe things are good for them but I am sure they do not realise why things are good for them, may be because of some other constant good help & support from some sources were there, though I am not saying I did this and that, I would not waste my breath for them now, but whatever I did for her & family was with heart and dedication, the result is - Back to Square One, where I was 4 years ago.
Seeing that I recollect few things, immediately after the I left her house, next day she calls and just talks casually as if nothing happened and I was surprised like how can u just act like as if nothing happened, though my response to her was quite low, she then goes telling me that she now thinks that she is wasting HER TIME after me... ????? It was ****** so put me off and made me angry but I said - "then you should not waste your time".. and thats it.
I asked my self after that, was she really wasting her time or I just wasted ****** 4 years of time behind her and her family?
Its gonna be 3 weeks this weekend, should I stay "no-contacts" or if she ever comes back to talk, should I talk?
She may come to realise in time that she misses having you around, and how you helped out.
But I doubt she will change, and you leave yourself open to being used by her if you befriend her.
Some people are just wired that way, to take a mile, but give an inch.
I would avoid contact with her. If she calls, don't answer. If she texts, dont't respond.
If you havent had the official "this relationship is over" talk, then by all means, communicate to her that the relationship isn't working for you. But she may try to tell you she will change....but ai think the adjustments required are far too great for you to ever feel appreciated.
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