[quote=Confusedwife;25767572]Please help me understand. Yes, lengthy, but tried to answer any typical questions I've seen on similar posts upfront in the post. *I found out my husband has been watching porn secretly, deleting the history & lying to me. He's been lying apparently the last 5-7 years .*
Oh, oh, that's a long time not to notice what he is doing! Where have you been?
We have been together about 10 years, got married about 2 years ago. *(Had i been privy to this habit of his, i am not sure we would have wed) Many years ago I stumbled across porn on the home PC and he denied it at first but ended up telling me some was his. *I told him my feelings, that it's one thing to watch it with me, but watching it behind my back made me uncomfortable. *I'm not a fan of porn, was raised it was wrong & as an adult I still gave it a try & had an open mind. *Still wasn't a fan. I didn't get why I would watch women degrade themselves and have sex with random people. *Putting the degrading part aside, also didn't understand how it was a turn on if I was more attractive than the girls I saw & could do the same sh#% only better, have sex & love.
Unlike every post I read, we do not have a bad sex life, I don't think he's choosing it over me, we have sex atleast 4/5 times a week. *To be honest I'm a pretty attractive woman, little more anatomically correct version of Barbie. *Thin but nicely placed curves, large breasts (which he likes) and always attempt to be the ideal 50's wife by keeping my appearance pleasing, touching up my lipstick or spraying a perfume before he gets home. *I'm not a house wife, I have a full time career & do my best to balance the household responsibilities. I also seldom turn him down for sex if he asks. Even if I'm not in the mood, I still will abliege atleast a short session. *I always felt that men cheat because their women turn them down so much they go elsewhere, and I would much rather satisfy him then leave him high & dry.
You seem like the "ideal woman" BUT you may need to understand what hidden and complicated reasons for him using porn or what is driving him when you have so much to offer. That might take a counselor or therapist to unravel.
About a year ago (6 months after we got married) I borrowed his iPad to do some research for work & noticed that my searches were the only ones there. *On my iPad it's always so easy to get to sites since I can type in a few characters & the site appears. I found out it was because he was deleting the history. *Concerned, I asked him why he had deleted it & he told me he never had, maybe on accident. *Throughtout the year this occurred several.. EVERY time I used any Internet accessible device of his. I started to worry more, & asked him atleast 5 seperate occasions over the course of the year. He told me I was crazy, paranoid & to stop or he would leave me for being jealous. *About 2 months ago after holding in my wondering & fears that are now rampant, I sat him down, gently, caring & calmly told him how I felt, was there anything he wasn't telling me, that I hate feeling worried that he's hiding something.. I began to cry & begged him finally to just tell me anything - whatever it was we would be ok, the what ifs were to much for me. *I even said, if it's porn your hiding, that would actually be a relief. *He looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me, I needed to stop being insecure, he would never do anything behind my back, and as for porn he hadn't looked at it in atleast 5 years and didnt even like it.
This deception seems like very serious mental issues for him.
* So, make a long story short, I discovered the evidence of several porn sites, and also some others that have me concerned. *Besides porn, *I found aol web site info (we don't have aol & he said he only had the one email account that I know about) I found a site, the name alone made me sick. *It was a site u can sign up for free & meet sex buddies for all types of encounters - including discrete encounters for married people interested in affairs. I confronted him & he denied all getting angry with me that I didn't trust him, & that other people could have used his phone. *After about a week of me down, sad & still refusing to accept the story he finally, over a text admitted to looking at porn a couple times. (he now has said a few times a day/week) I know I initially said I wouldn't be upset, but his opportunity I gave him about being honest with me had long past, and bottom line is he never told me, not until I found such irrefutable evidence, denying it, as I told him was an insult to my intelligence. * I legitimately want to still try & possibly make our marriage stronger (I told him if he has any sexual desires/fantasists or curiosity I would love it if he would share them with me, I'm pretty adventurous & willing as he knows so I am bothered & hurt he hasn't shared whatever it is with me. *3 things i asked from him, that he refuses to answer about the porn. *(didnt want all details, just the top reason for seeking the materials) 1. The type of sexual act/acts he seeks to view. 2. The actual amount he is viewing these adult materials & 3. The type of woman (I assume) he is most interested in watching in the videos. *He will not tell me anything, at all... Nothing. *He keeps telling me it's just porn, it's not like he cheated. To get over it! Irritated, he said he won't watch it anymore if it's such a big deal. I have tried showing him books, articles, marriage & family counseler, psychologist etc documents on this topic that he also refuses to read. *I told him find me a rebuttal & I'd be more than happy to take a look at it. *Im not opposed to being enlightened on a different prospective.*
Looks like marriage counseling is your only hope with such a resistant or evasive partner. I hope there are no kids involved here!
* At this point, *I'm obviously concerned about more than the porn. He lied to me without hesitation & doesnt seem remorseful. *I wish guys (sorry to sound sexist) could understand sometimes that it's not the issue the lie is covering as much as it is the LIES themselves.
Dishonesty is the #1 thing that will kill any relationship!
*My trust is gone, I feel so decieved, I feel stupid for trusting him on everything throughout the years, thinking that he wasnt that kind of guy, he'd never lie to me (other than a simple white lie) I was convinced that women that say all men cheat we're just bitter, scorned women that just don't have a husband like mine
*
I can't sleep, I'm wondering about how much more he's hiding, did he use the hook up site? Did he actually have sex with someone else?.. Do I even know him? *If he lied so adimentally about the porn he thinks is no big deal, am I really being overly sensitive or wrong to think the other sites with "actual cheating" as he says, aren't just more lies.
In closing, To complicate this, *I would like to add that I *recently found out we were pregnant with our first child, a planned, *long awaited pregnancy. *Both the long engagement & the waiting on pregancy were not him dragging his feet, they were really me - wanted to be confident we were financially stable, had a strong friendship for our marriage & had similar values. * I don't expect a sugar coated response, honestly, I'd prefer brutal honesty. However, *please, don't tell me anything about an abortion or anything like that, that is NOT an option. * Is there anything I can do to get him to be honest with me, should I do more on my end to make him more interested in me... And should I be as worried about everything that I am?*
I'd say focus on the well-being of your 1st child and do whatever it takes to make sure that your child will have at least one mentally healthy parent. I cannot imagine living with such a Liar UNLESS the Liar is willing to see a therapist or go to counseling ESPECIALLY when an innocent child is involved. Even if you MIGHT BE insecure and jealous, having a very dishonest partner will only make things worse for everyone.
I would like to understand then, really what am I dealing with? Someone who lies & lies and even denies when proof is presented.. And if porns so innocent & he's an adult and can watch whatever he wants.. Well why the hiding? I'm concerned there's more, and Unfortuanlty, I havent found any similar stories to mine...
This seems like a very deep and mysterious mental/emotional thing that only a professional could examine and "understand" and then tell BOTH of you what is wrong here. Sometimes getting into therapy just for your self can help a person understand what is going on inside of their partner. Therapy helped me A LOT, to understand what was driving me AND my partner!
Because he refuses to talk about this topic, how is that really fair to me his wife, to be able to fully satisfy him if hes not willing to communicate with me...
Counseling can help both of you and even counseling just for your self can help.
We ended the conversation by me asking him to see a counseler with me to discuss our obviously lacking communication, which to my surprise this time he agreed to.
That's a good sign!
So, then that just opens up a question for the men that say on here that porn Is totally exceptable, and that I shouldn't care anyways.. Would it bother you if your wife was seeking out porn of men completely different than you?
My self esteem and respect is good enough to allow my wife to look at ANYTHING but, like you, I would not tolerate lying or bad communications in our marriage.
From what I read most men that watch it is because they are not getting enough I also noticed it that men that watched a lot usually had lower sex with their wife
It's also possible that the desire or addiction to porn is NOT ABOUT sex! A therapist might help you understand that factor.
No, neither of those apply here, I'm saying it's one thing to watch porn, but it does hurt & cause you to question if you are really enough
This could be the reason for you to go to counseling IF you have insecurities about porn and your own abilities, appearance, skills, etc. His porn watching may have nothing to do with you or your features and abilities.
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cute.
Honesty
Hidden reasons
