You're childfree; "the one for you" wants kids; What do you do? (love, single)
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To some of us, a person who wants kids is an instant turnoff. It hurts - all those dizzy, euphoric feelings that put you on cloud 9 can still linger - but you can look to the future and know that you'd be very, very unhappy with that person if they insisted on bringing kids into the picture. In fact, I'd feel betrayed. As in "what? A life that we two make together isn't good enough for you?
Basically let's say you have decided to be childfree. You get to meet a significant other who you know in your heart is someone you feel is the "one." However this SO wants kids or is not willing to take parenthood completely off the table and basically you can't change their mind. What do you do? You obviously feel that you aren't cut out to be a parent but you love this person so much the thought of losing them may be more than you can bear?
How would you react to this situation?
Please no "the one would share the same views on this topic" answers.
I would agree to have one child for my spouse. My parents waited 10 years to have me b/c both of them thought they didn't want kids. My mom decided, after 10 years that she wanted a baby, so they had me, N only child. Honestly you can still have 1 child and live your life the way it was before. It's only after 2 or more that. Nothing says you have to have a conventional life with a child. My parents took me EVERYWHERE. Traveling, to hear live music, restaurants, etc. I never cried so it was not hard for them, and I was exposed to so many different things. We moved all over the country and I had a great childhood. I have two kids and the first went everywhere with us. After the 2nd one came only 22 mos later life changed a lot. The two together were a handful, lol.
I just find that couples with one child have more freedom, based on my own childhood and those of all the people I know with kids.
If one partner wants kids and the other doesn't, well, it's a dealbreaker unless either party is willing to give in. I will say though that both parties should closely examine their views and actions. Like, if the guy REALLY doesn't want kids, then why the hell hasn't he gotten a vasectomy? That just seems like a no-brainer. Why does one party feel they NEED to have kids? Why does the other party feel they absolutely DON'T WANT to have kids? I mean, go with your gut, but sometimes people get stuck in strange ruts where they refuse to re-examine things they decided years before. I know of more than a few couples who, after deciding to remain child-free, suddenly got a burr up their butts in their late 30s/early 40s and had a kid together.
For myself, I'm agnostic on kids. I like them and would be a good mom, but I don't have this burning need to be a mom. It's not going to factor into who I choose to have relationships with all that much.
Basically let's say you have decided to be childfree. You get to meet a significant other who you know in your heart is someone you feel is the "one." However this SO wants kids or is not willing to take parenthood completely off the table and basically you can't change their mind. What do you do? You obviously feel that you aren't cut out to be a parent but you love this person so much the thought of losing them may be more than you can bear?
How would you react to this situation?
Please no "the one would share the same views on this topic" answers.
If they were truly "the one for you" then you both would be not wanting children so it seems to be that they are not the one for you and it is time to quit wasting time and move on. There really is no other logical answer than "they must share the same views". There are always exceptions however I have not met too many who decided well before marriage they did not want children who changed their mind after a few years but they are out there and it does happen.
I agree with others here in that you may spare yourself and the other person heartache by just ending it now since it's one of the most important aspects in a person's life. But, and I don't mean to sound dismissive of your current worldview, but you are so young. While I believe people largely remain on a trajectory through out life, sometimes what we think we want changes. Our priorities change. When I was 25 I did not want children either, couldn't imagine it. Later on I started questioning it and then my brother died and bam, my world was turned upside down and I started yearning for family. Go figure. You could meet some woman that you adore so much that it would make perfect sense for you two to combine yourselves into one. Or whatever life brings. Point being, I don't know how sure we can be about anything when we're that young and perhaps you are 100% sure forever, but if not it and if you are in a healthy, productive, and supportive relationship you might want to pause before a final cut off.
Diss, is this a hypothetical situation, or have you met someone special? If it's hypothetical, it means you're worrying about something that may never happen. But to answer your question:
My brother didn't want kids. He and his wife agreed there would be no kids. Some years later, suddenly her hormones are changing, and they're pushing her to want kids. She really wants kids. My brother caves, even though he's not thrilled. But it all worked out ok. The kids are grown, and they're happy, productive people.
If this were to happen to you, you could take parenting classes. If you have parent issues, you could try therapy. Or that might not be necessary. You don't know how you're going to feel about it when you're 30 (or whenever) until you get there. But I would hope that anyone you fall for would understand your background, and would understand why you don't want kids, and would respect that. Not all women want kids. I wouldn't worry about it at this stage. I'd go out and see what life has to offer, and cross whatever bridges when you come to them.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 08-26-2012 at 10:06 AM..
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