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Define "affair". He's living with her. He's emotionally supporting her. At this point, sex is irrelevant. What good is a detective going to do short of secretly videotaping them in bed anyway?
FWIW I think I believe him that it's platonic. This is a classic case of "rescue". He's chosen her as his damsel in distress and defined his self-worth on saving her and protecting her. She's chosen him as her saviour. She lived with you two and there was a lot of drama but no indications of anything sexual, not that it even matters.
BTW, she's obviously BPD.
They have been seen by people we know being affectionate in public. Prior to that, she admitted to a coworker they slept together. The coworker emailed the admission to her SO, and he then forwarded the correspondence to me.
OP sorry you married a scum. What angered me in your situation is when he can't get up to care for his own flesh and blood infant and because he has work and was mindblown when you yourself has to get up at 4am for work also AND had to be the only 1 burdened to take care of your baby?!!!
and what made me quadruple mind blown is when your scum husband has no problem staying up all pucking night to 'take care' for this equally scum woman!!!!
i dunno how you did not tell that scum how he can take care of a grown up when he can't get up to take care of his baby?!!!
and if it were me and he told me i was a bi-tch for making MY baby a priority over some crazy sl-u-t then i would tell him to GTFO right that very moment. and never go back because obviously that scum is selfish and only cares about himself and noone else. he is helping the sl-ut because she blows him fosho.
People with a conscious own up to it. People without one don't own up to it and blame others. It's that simple. Your husband does not have a conscious.
I don't think this post is as much about your husband's behavior as yours. Why you allowed your husband to bring this person into your house and then became a quasi-caregiver to her, knowing what you did about their relationship, are questions that you might try to find answers to...to begin with.
Don't get me wrong, I am not so delusional to think that I didn't play a part in the breakdown of our marriage, but I did. But, if he had any sense of commitment to our vows, or our child, he would at least work on things with me before throwing in the towel.
Since this situation is pretty special and not a typical husband ran out on wife type thing, I'll go over the details. We have been married 6 yrs, together 8, and having a child wasn't planned. He wanted a child so badly, he asked me to consider it year after year. Last year, I ended up pregnant. He promised me that we would be a family and it would be great. I grew up in a split home, he knows that having a split home is a big trigger with me. I don't wish that on any child.
The woman is someone he and I knew very casually and we had no relationship with. We occasionally invited her to to attend concerts with us, but otherwise did not spend any time with her or talk with her. She was the SO of my husband's coworker. The longest amount of time we have spent with her was over 3yrs ago when we stayed at her house for 2 days while moving to NC. This is allegedly when I told her he and I were not in love - so, he believed her over a conversation she supposedly had with me more than 3yrs ago. I did not know her, that weekend was the first time I had met her. I can guarantee I did not discuss intimate details about my marriage with her over that weekend.
When this started, our child was 5 months old. I was just getting back on the bandwagon for having intimacy with him, and most of the time I was just exhausted. He wouldn't help me take care of the baby during the night because he told me he needed his sleep for work. So, I was getting up 3-4 times during the night and then getting up at 4am for work. Our jobs were stressing us out, our house needed unexpected repairs, the baby was a huge time commitment, and funds were running low. We didn't live anywhere near family, so we had absolutely no help unless it was hired. Our marriage was stressed out. Anyone that has a brand new baby can relate. My husband was warned by all of our family and friends with children that this stage would come, but to hold strong because we would work through it. We were making plans to relocate back home to be closer to family, we just needed to get the house fixed so we could sell it. We were actively making plans for moving, having family portraits done, actively being involved with our son's development and plans for him. We were stressed, but we were working together. When all this started, we had just purchased a vehicle for him, had the baby, picking out furniture, etc. We were making decisions that couples make.
In August, he won concert tickets. I suggested calling her, and we were all going to go. The night of the concert, my sitter bailed and I didn't get to go. What I didn't know at the time is that her SO had given her notice a day before that they were splitting and she needed to figure out how to handle the mortgage they had. He had been with her for 15 yrs and was tired of her constant BS. She would be suicidal only for attention. She would cut herself for attention. She was purposely mixing migraine scripts and alcohol so that she would go unconscious. She refused to get help for her condition and openly admitted to him that she liked being crazy because she could always get her way.
The night of the concert, he stayed out with her all night when he was dropping her off. The next morning, I got a story of a lifetime ----- She had an anxiety attack when he dropped her off, so she told him a tale of 14+ years of torture and abuse from her SO. Everything from pimping her out to keeping her drugged to physically attacking her. Mind you, this is my husband's coworker. This are very tall accusations.
My husband took it upon himself to save her. She never presented any evidence of anything, but he believed every line without question.
Behind my back, he started staying up all night with her on the phone once I was in bed. He would talk to her from 10pm-3am every night. If I caught him up, he was "working on a computer" and had an excuse. During the day, they talked while he was at work, or text messaged. All day, all night. When he finally convinced her to leave her SO, he made a promise to her that she would always be safe with him. I didn't know about this at all. He came to me and told me that he had offered her a safe house so she could leave him, and it was presented that she would being staying with us until she got back on her feet. I told him no, I didn't want to be involved and she could reach out to women's groups for help. I reminded him that he needed to help me with our child and we needed to stay focused. He told me, and I quote, "If you are such a heartless b**ch that you could leave her in such a dangerous situation, then I am not sure I can be with someone like you!"
I should have told him right then and there that he could chose either her or me, but I had no idea what level of involvement he was at that time. But, no, I was stupid and thought I needed to agree for the sake of our marriage.
She moved in, and for appearances, blind sided her SO with a restraining order. Let's give a round of applause to the Charlotte court system for slapping a RO on a man for abuse without having any proof other than the wild stories of a mentally unstable woman. Her SO is losing everything over this, too - job, house, financial security.
Once she moved in, I was assured their relationship would change and he wasn't going to spend all night with her. But, that was false. He continued to stay up night after night with her after I was in bed. When I confronted them both that it needed to stop, I was assured that my wishes would be respected. But, they both lied and continued to do as they were doing.
When I started confronting my husband that it was going to stop and she was going to move out, she started playing her game. If I confronted him, she reacted --- she couldn't handle the stress, so she would cut herself, overdose or otherwise make a pseudo attempt to commit suicide in my house. I made it clear she needed to go, and my husband told me he wouldn't just throw her out on the street. My husband also coddled her behavior and told me that he and I were no longer allowed to have private talks together in the house for her mental stability. I agreed to let her stay one week longer so that she could have her day in court over the restraining order. She needed to move out as soon as her day in court was done, and his relationship was to end. My husband was put on notice that it ended now.
The 3 nights before her court date, she overdosed and he stayed in bed with her (yes, this is where I found him) to "ensure she didn't die." Her court date happened, and afterward they celebrated (my husband testified on her behalf). They came home, and I made it clear to her that she needed to find a new place as of now. Fight erupted, he stood by her and rubbed her hands and shoulders while I blow a gasket. He wouldn't let her leave, so we all stayed up all night. forbid them from having any contact with each other that moment forward, and as of morning, she needed to be gone. The next morning, I left for work. According to my sitter, Paul dropped child off late and told sitter he spent the morning with the other woman. I came home and the woman was home early from work. She had a BS answer as to why. I found out a few days later she told coworkers she took the morning after pill. She still hadn't moved out, my husband was not letting her leave. At 6am the next morning, I told him either his relationship was to end, or he could leave with her and they were both to be out that afternoon. So, he moved out.
I was entirely too tolerant and I should have stopped it early on by making him decide then. But, I didn't.
The following week, the house was turned back over to the bank and my sister helped me move back home to Michigan. He is still in NC with her.
He claims he loves his child, but he hasn't seen the child since mid-Oct when I left. He has told me of a new something or other each time he's made plans to follow us north. He was going to transfer his job, but then she came down with cancer (I still don't know if she really has cancer) and he needs to be there for her. Then he lost his job (his manager figured out what was going on when he asked for time off to move out, and this conveniently happened after the SO got fired from my husband's urging), so there is nothing holding him there, right? Yes, she now has a new mental diagnosis that she needs him for --- she is now borderline personality disorder.
And now, he won't come north because he can't deal with me. He has asked his parents to take over his visitation rights because he can't deal with me for the next 17yrs but wants his child to know who his father is.
He refuses to come see his kid for any holidays because he "can't afford the trip." This weekend he is spending at a FL beachside condo with her. He was very sure to make sure I knew exactly where he'd be.
Yes, we're getting a divorce.
What do I want?
The truth to come out. I am trying to keep a good relationship with my inlaws, and he has told them that this was all my fault. He won't admit to his relationship with her and keeps feeding them all kinds of BS they are platonic and friends only. So, his dad is attacking me for pushing him away out of distrust.
That is all I want, the truth to be out there. And then to move on.
Oh my God what a horror story. I'm really sorry you and your baby had to go through this. He is vile.
I think you need therapy. It doesn't matter what this guy tells you, ever again. If his lips are moving, you can pretty much assume he's lying to you anyway.
You were in denial when it began, you're in denial now. Just accept he's been shagging her senseless probably for 3 years now every chance he got. It happens. Now move on.
He's going to vanish out of your life, if you're very lucky your child's life too. You will never get satisfactory "answers" or the "truth", no one gives a shyte anyway except for you. You are the only person in the world this bothers.
He doesn't care about the truth, nor does anyone else. They're just glad you got away from him.
You need to realise there are no answers to be had. Slam the door on him and his trollop. The past is gone, you have a future to worry about with your lovely baby.
dont try to understand people like this unless you are trying to understand yourself, it will just drive you mad. instead focus on your life and find what make you happy
I have needed a few days to digest this. Thank you to everyone that gave me perspective. Yes - I blame myself for letting shyte go the way it did, and eventually I will have to forgive myself. Bottom line, a situation would have come up at some point for him use as an excuse to exit left stage sooner or later. I want him to take ownership for his actions so that I can start to forgive myself, but I know that won't happen, ever.
My child is amazing, he truly is the sunshine of my day. His father can't even begin to imagine just what he is missing out on watching this child grow. I am blessed that I have the opportunity.
What a sad story. Unfortunately, people who cheat aren't always willing to accept the responsibility of the actions. It's easier to lie and deceive. The eight month old is the innocent bystander here. It's unfortunate s/he has to suffer from this.
I have needed a few days to digest this. Thank you to everyone that gave me perspective. Yes - I blame myself for letting shyte go the way it did, and eventually I will have to forgive myself. Bottom line, a situation would have come up at some point for him use as an excuse to exit left stage sooner or later. I want him to take ownership for his actions so that I can start to forgive myself, but I know that won't happen, ever.
My child is amazing, he truly is the sunshine of my day. His father can't even begin to imagine just what he is missing out on watching this child grow. I am blessed that I have the opportunity.
Please don't be those type of women that blame everything on themselves. Its not your fault...
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