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Hi all. New here so I apologize if this is a bit long. I'm trying to keep it as miniscule as possible.
Basically she's a girl from work. I'm 23 she's 19. She just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with a really terrible ex. The kind that just treats her like complete garbage and she just didn't know enough to leave sooner. That ended almost 4 months ago. She came on to me and not the other way around. We basically started talking and it went pretty smooth at first. I was actually kind of weirded out by how strong she was coming on. A few days in only and she was already saying things like "they can look but not touch", calling me babe after kissing the first time. Another instance I told her if she was tired she can just text me in the morning she says "I'll stay up, you're worth it" and things like that randomly out of the blue. Honestly I was worried she was coming on a little TOO strong at first. Another person we work with that this girl hangs with often, almost 30 years old, tells me how "infatuated" she was with me and how cute she was when she got excited talking about me to her. So that kind of added to it, although I was happy she liked me as much. I was worried it was a rebound thing until I confirmed it wasn't with this other lady.
Once we hung out it was great. I kissed her the second time and everything was going pretty smoothly. I could sense a bit though that she didn't want anything serious for the time being. I had asked her and she said she wanted to take it a bit slow and I agreed. Once I really thought about it though, I told her to go out, be single, and have fun. She had this relationship with this guy since she was 17. She has no idea what it's like whereas I do. I didn't want that to come up in the middle of what may have been a relationship and ruin it because she wanted to just...have fun. That being said she told me she liked me too much to stop talking but she admitted she wanted to be single for a while, and honestly I wasn't ready for anything serious either.
After a week or so of texting I could see she was kind of distancing a bit, although still texting me saying she couldn't wait to see me, smiley faces all that jazz every now and then, she just didn't seem like she wanted to hang out, sometimes I'd get one word answers etc. With that I told her that I thought it'd better that we waited to "talk" until she and I were both ready. I told her that I didn't want to waste us talking on a situation we both knew was bad and would cause problems. I also said that she's the first girl in a few years that I liked enough to date, so I really didn't want to ruin it like I have in the past by just throwing caution to the wind and continuing. She agreed it was probably better to wait, especially since she didn't want to worry about what I was doing, and I wouldn't have to worry what she was doing. She also mentioned her feelings hadn't changed at all.
Now after a few days of saying we should wait to talk she is fine at work. She talks to me, doesn't make it awkward because I made sure to point out I didn't want it to be, but she is almost at the point where it seems she isn't even interested anymore. She swears up and down when I asked her just once (I'm not an insecure and obsessive person..I wasn't "bugging" her at all. I know how to play it cool) if her feelings had changed. She swears up and down they haven't. I also seen a few times her mentioning "him" on twitter..just subtle things like "He cracks me up" and small things like that.
Now that I got that small novel out my question is this. I purposely put myself in a situation where she'd go out, have fun, enjoy herself and play the field...but when she was done, got bored (just as I did. Just as I'm sure most have) she'd think of me first to actually get serious with. She'd think of me as that guy that made sure she was happy and did what she wanted instead of my own agenda. I sincerely wanted her to. It'd be unfair for me not to or get angry. With what I've mentioned does it feel as if she's playing the field, having fun etc and still has feelings for me? Or does it seem like I'm being taken for a ride? I usually don't need help since I've had many girlfriends etc, but in this case I don't know how it feels for a girl to get out of that long of a relationship. I know I didn't want to get into another one. I wanted to go out, party, have one night stands whatever but I still liked someone legitimately. I just wasn't ready to seriously talk. Does it seem as if that's the case here?
Thanks for any help and I apologize for the length. I tried to mention significant things and not little nitpicky ones. Those are the ones that, in my opinion, factor in.
I think you're taking the right approach. I just went through a similar situation with someone that got out of a long term relationship. I felt the same way as you. I wanted to take things slow, I really liked the girl and didn't just want to be a rebound, etc. I wish I would have done what you did because I may have already ruined my chances with her. People are often confused and emotionally unavailable when they come out of long term relationships, moreso than they are ever aware. One day they may feel they're ready to move on and show signs of interest and the next day they may relapse into feelings about the ex. This is one of the reasons why rebound relationships often fall apart quickly.
So with that said, my opinion is it is better to take a step back and let someone figure themselves out before you get emotionally attached. I wish I took my own advice.
She is only 19 and had one serious relationship. I don't think she is done. Don't take it personal but her level of interest is what most 19 year olds act like about everything. Once the novelty of validation is gone, so are they. They tend to at least check out and operate back into self centered mode.
I don't believe in living in fear. Go for what you want. If it blows up in your face you will live. You will find another girl. Its better to laugh about mistakes than wonder what could of been.
If you really like her, just let her have freedom and fun. Don't get angry about it.
Date someone else too for fun.
This is an awfully long post for 'playing it cool'.
Considering the fact that it had alot of background story, outside of...hey I like her, she wants to be single what should I do? Yes. It was.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jim9251
She's 19...enough said.
Honestly yeah..the more I think about it the more I think that I don't want to get involved with someone old 19. It's not like it's a massive age different overall but for the most part I myself am not the same person I was then in terms of maturity. Just don't think that's what I'm looking for. From what everyone tells me they say she'll probably end up wanting to talk once again when she wants to get into something more serious. I guess I'll have a decision to make then, but the way it feels at the moment it'll be no. Thanks to all that replied and helped out. I appreciate it.
Just a suggestion OP. If you want more people to reply to your threads try and keep the OP's shorter. People like me aren't into reading that much, esp from a newbie.
Let her do her own thing and you go ahead and do your own thing as well. If things works out between you two later down the road, good. If nothing comes out of it, at least you didn't sit around waiting for her.
Women are highly volatile creatures and as one poster said, why wait? She's 19 and you're not going to be her only relationship. You're acting like a typical beta-male and more than likely she doesn't think of you romantically in anyway anymore. Right now I guess your only option is to distance yourself, but when she broke up you should've went all out and banged her. You said you kissed her but didnt continue seducing her *sigh*
I did that with a co-worker of mine, she broke up with a boyfriend of 2 years I asked her out immediately, set up a first date and that day I had sex with her. Women are notorious rebounders...however since you stopped she sees you as a weakling. You either have to persist hard or dont make any move at all and wait for her to go after you. since you made a move but didnt persist you lost, game over, she is not interested in you romantically and probably wont ever be.
You see I don't agree with that. I respect your opinion. But I've seen, and done, in the past what I did with this girl work. She HAS to go out and have fun being on her own. If I didn't tell her to on my own, and I, as you put it "persisted hard", it would have came up a month later. Or two. Or three. Regardless it had to happen. Maybe if she wasn't a co worker I would have jumped on it as I have in the past. Had a one night stand with her and move on, but I actually liked her. Ultimately if I decide that I want to talk to her again I will pursue her 100% without hesitating. But for now, I'm not going to hold back from hanging with other girls, having fun, going to bars and worrying about what she's doing because we're still talking and vice versa for her.
In answer to your "continue seducing her" statement. Yes, I did. She wouldn't allow it. I expected it to go further, at least make out, but she isn't like that so to speak. She doesn't just do one night stands or let it all go the first time. A few kisses was all she allowed. Yet another attractive trait. From what her friends told me should wouldn't stop talking about it so it's not like she didn't feel it. That's just all she was comfortable with, which I was ok with.
I agree with the few that have said do my thing and she does her thing. If it works out it works out. If it doesn't, I can take out of this that I refused to sit around waiting. I won't revolve my agenda around a girl that isn't ready and carries no guarantee of either of us wanting to try again afterwards.
Let her do her own thing and you go ahead and do your own thing as well. If things works out between you two later down the road, good. If nothing comes out of it, at least you didn't sit around waiting for her.
I apologize, again, but as I said I'm not someone that's heartbroke trying to look for reassurance. I honestly just wanted an opinion if I put myself in a situation where she would think of me when she wanted to talk to someone seriously again. In order to do that I had to illuminate most of the situation since it's relevent. Since posting this, the people I've talked to..friends of mine, friends of hers, anyone that has asked what happened between us...agree that in the end she'll think of what I did, and me, when being single gets old and she wants something serious. So we'll see.
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