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Sorry if this topic has been already been done to death... I searched for old threads on this topic (and I’m sure many exist) but couldn’t find anything specific to my situation, so I’ll just start a new one... I’ve been seeing someone since around Christmas time. I’ve posted previous topics about some of my concerns dating him. I’ll call him “Guy A” for the purpose of this thread...
Our last couple of dates, I’ve started to notice an “improvement” with us. The last time we went out, he introduced me to his friends. However, that was a week and a half ago, and I haven’t really talked to him since, because he’s on yet another of his ski trips with his “boys” this past week. I’m not sure what he wants from me, and I’m just not ready to confront him about it yet...
Plus, this past weekend, another potential dating opportunity presented itself to me...
So, there’s a big Irish bar district in my neighborhood, and every year my community sponsors a Saint Patrick’s Day parade through the district. Each year, my girlfriend who lives in the middle of the district throws a big party at her condo, followed by a bar crawl.
As I’ve said in previous threads, around this time last year, I ended a 4-year relationship I’d been in. My ex-boyfriend and I shared a lot of the same friends, many of whom I haven’t talked to since we split up. Our breakup was mostly amicable, and I moved on with my life quickly. Plus, I’ve lost 50+ pounds in the past year, and have been feeling really great about myself. So, this year I was nervous and excited at the same time about going to the party and seeing so many of my old friends.
Anyhow, I went out on Saturday for the party / bar crawl, and had a great time seeing everyone. One guy in particular was an old friend-of-a-friend who I used to see at parties pretty often, and had always found attractive. He knows my ex-boyfriend, but they aren’t particularly good friends. I had written a post about him a long time, but never actually acted on my attraction to him...
When I saw this guy on Saturday, he was super-excited to see me too. He told me I looked beautiful, and almost right away asked me for my phone number so we could hang out sometime. (He said to me, “Wow, the rumors about you are true!” I asked him what the rumors were, and he replied, “You broke up with X, lost a bunch of weight, and got super freaking hot!” ) We hung out together most of the evening, but nothing happened except for some innocent flirting and a quick goodnight smooch. Anyway, I’ll call him “Guy B.”
So, Guy B texted me a couple days later to tell me he’d had a great time on Saturday, and he’d give me a call closer to this weekend so we could make plans to hang out. Guy A is supposed to be coming back from his ski trip today, so I anticipate hearing from him this week as well.
So now, I potentially have two guys to date, and I’m thinking it’d be a good idea to keep my options open, especially since Guy A has been rather obtuse and not exactly forthcoming about what he wants from me, relationship-wise. As for Guy B, he’s more or less an old friend, and I figure it can’t hurt to go out together, and see if there’s any real chemistry...
Here’s my question(s)...
1.) I would keep things friendly/casual with B (read: no sex) at least until I know better what A wants from me. But should I tell B that I’ve been dating someone else? (Adding, of course, that we’re not mutually exclusive and I want to explore my options.) Keep in mind, some of my friends - who are also B’s friends - know that I’m dating A. I’d rather be honest with B and tell him myself, than him learn about A from any of our mutual friends.
2.) As for A, should I tell him that another man is interested in me and I’d like to go out with him? We haven’t discussed having a relationship / mutual exclusivity yet, but ultimately that’s what I’m looking for. Part of me wants to say something to him, just to see if he’ll step up his game... but another part of me is afraid if I tell him, he’ll get pissed off and flat-out dump me.
As far as which guy I’d “prefer” … honestly, my heart is still with Guy A, if only because I’ve been dating him for almost 3 months now, and I’m more emotionally invested. I’m also somewhat more physically attracted to him, and I’ve already slept with him. I don’t want to hurt Guy B though, so I’d like to approach things with him in such a way that if dating doesn’t work out, we can still be on cool/friendly terms in a group setting.
Any advice you all can offer on how to go about dating these two guys at the same time... in a tactful and classy way? Thanks in advance!
In your questions 1. & 2., your options are to either be up fromt with both guys, and tell them you are dating someone else, or...
you deceit them by dating the 'other' guy behind their backs.....
I am not certain how you are confused as to the moral thing to do is.
All I know is, if I was guy 'A' or 'B', and you deceited me, I would be mad.
Guy 'A' deserves to know, its been 3 months. You have time invested.
And honestly, guy 'B' deserves to know, cause basically, you are kind of unavailable. And honestly, even with things as they are right now, if I was guy 'B', the fact that you kissed me good night even though you were in a three month relationship..... shady.
Sorry, just being honest. I would probably tell you we should just be friends.
But, I reeeeeeeealy gett urned off when people date more than one person at a time, and considering you spent a lot of time with guy 'B' all night, and never ONCE mentioned a 'kinda bf'....... baaaaaad you.
Hmm. I can't figure out if guy A is just kind of a dope who sucks at dating, or if he's just enjoying being casual with you with no real plans to ever commit. Seems like things look good with him for awhile, but then you're right back to indecision a week or two later. You might feel guilty, but guy A doesn't have any kind of claim on you. He's never asked you to be exclusive or made it clear he wants a relationship with you. In my opinion, you would be the dope to reject hanging out with guy B for a guy who hasn't made his intentions clear with you. You may not even like him a potential dating interest after you hang out with him. I'd hang out with him, then reevaluate the situation again based on how much you like him.
If you hang out with guy B and think he really might be someone with relationship potential, then I think you're going to have to get an answer from guy A. I definitely don't think it usually turns out in the woman's favor when she has to bring up the "talk," but you're at a place right now where it's been 3 months and you have other options, so you really do need an answer. You can't stay in limbo forever wondering where you stand.
But, hey way to go!! You have two prospects. That's 2 more than I have!
If you're not exclusive with A (have had "the talk"), you can date B freely. I generally think it's not only fine, but actually good to date more than one person until you can choose one over the other. I also think it's a good idea to let them both know, as they may (or may not) have issues with this, and should be able to decide for themselves. And it makes it easier when you're honest. Besides, a little competition can't hurt - you're perceived as more desirable. Just watch out for either choosing you because of the competition, rather than for who YOU are.
1.) I would keep things friendly/casual with B (read: no sex) at least until I know better what A wants from me. But should I tell B that I’ve been dating someone else? (Adding, of course, that we’re not mutually exclusive and I want to explore my options.) Keep in mind, some of my friends - who are also B’s friends - know that I’m dating A. I’d rather be honest with B and tell him myself, than him learn about A from any of our mutual friends.
2.) As for A, should I tell him that another man is interested in me and I’d like to go out with him? We haven’t discussed having a relationship / mutual exclusivity yet, but ultimately that’s what I’m looking for. Part of me wants to say something to him, just to see if he’ll step up his game... but another part of me is afraid if I tell him, he’ll get pissed off and flat-out dump me.
As far as which guy I’d “prefer†… honestly, my heart is still with Guy A, if only because I’ve been dating him for almost 3 months now, and I’m more emotionally invested. I’m also somewhat more physically attracted to him, and I’ve already slept with him. I don’t want to hurt Guy B though, so I’d like to approach things with him in such a way that if dating doesn’t work out, we can still be on cool/friendly terms in a group setting.
Any advice you all can offer on how to go about dating these two guys at the same time... in a tactful and classy way? Thanks in advance!
In your questions 1. & 2., your options are to either be up fromt with both guys, and tell them you are dating someone else, or...
you deceit them by dating the 'other' guy behind their backs.....
I am not certain how you are confused as to the moral thing to do is.
All I know is, if I was guy 'A' or 'B', and you deceited me, I would be mad.
Guy 'A' deserves to know, its been 3 months. You have time invested.
And honestly, guy 'B' deserves to know, cause basically, you are kind of unavailable. And honestly, even with things as they are right now, if I was guy 'B', the fact that you kissed me good night even though you were in a three month relationship..... shady.
Sorry, just being honest. I would probably tell you we should just be friends.
But, I reeeeeeeealy gett urned off when people date more than one person at a time, and considering you spent a lot of time with guy 'B' all night, and never ONCE mentioned a 'kinda bf'....... baaaaaad you.
I respectfully disagree. Guy A has never asked her to be his girlfriend. He's never told her he'd like to be exclusive. Yeah, it's a gray area because they've been seeing each other for a few months, but if he would be upset for her to date others, then he should have defined their relationship. It's been 3 months, not two weeks. Seriously, for all she knows he is dating other women and hooking up with women while on his ski trip.
Don't ever tell someone you're dating that you're dating someone else as well--most people can't handle that. Besides, it's none of their business anyway. Do whatever you want--if you want to have full-fledged relationships with both, do so. I disagree with TaoistDude--you're free to date B whether you and A agreed to be exclusive or not. Promises like that are made to be broken.
I respectfully disagree. Guy A has never asked her to be his girlfriend. He's never told her he'd like to be exclusive. Yeah, it's a gray area because they've been seeing each other for a few months, but if he would be upset for her to date others, then he should have defined their relationship. It's been 3 months, not two weeks. Seriously, for all she knows he is dating other women and hooking up with women while on his ski trip.
I totally understand your opinion. But, I would handle it different.
He could absolutley be hooking up on the 'ski trip'. It's the first thing that popped in my mind.
But, if I was in this situation, I would do the following:
Reversing roles due to me being guy.
Phone call within 48 hours of smooching gal B:
Gal A: What are we doing? Are we exclusive? I want exclusivity. What do you think? (and no, you cant think about it, 3 months and sex is enough for you to know by now)
If Gal A commits, and I havent scambled my own head with 'what if' on gal B, then I continue to date gal 'A', and tell gal 'B' we should be just friends, as I just commited to a relationship.
IF Gal 'A' stutters, hesitates, anything other than "YES!", I bail on gal A and persue Gal 'B'.
Personnaly, in my mind, if gal A doesnt know by now, they never will.
In the OP's situation, I (with limited knowlegde) think guy A is either REALLY screwing up, or TOTALLY wasting the OP's time. And either way, it is definately time to have 'the talk'.
I could never imagine pulling what guy A is doing. Women I date wouldn't let me get away with it. And I think he KNOWS what he is doing.
I'd say: if one guy asks if you are dating anyone else, you tell the truth; if you get serious about one guy, break it off with the other and tell him why; and finally don't lead either of them on into believing something that isn't true about the "relationship" you are having with them.
I don't say this for ethical reasons. It is just less complicated this way and you will feel less (or no) guilt.
For sure keep your options open. Just treat them like friends and in a fair way. For example, if you are free Wednesday night and they both want to see you, say yes to whoever asks first. Tell the other one you have plans. I don't know about sex with both of them , that is up to you. Have fun
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I searched for old threads on this topic (and I’m sure many exist) but couldn’t find anything specific to my situation, so I’ll just start a new one... I’ve been seeing someone since around Christmas time. I’ve posted previous topics about some of my concerns dating him. I’ll call him “Guy A” for the purpose of this thread...
) We hung out together most of the evening, but nothing happened except for some innocent flirting and a quick goodnight smooch. Anyway, I’ll call him “Guy B.”
