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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Other than life and death danger, fear based decisions almost always lead to a lower quality of life because they cause you to make unreasonable sacrifices my friend.
I know you are still young and to you things can still be pretty black and white - don't want to pay alimony, don't ever get married.
But complete avoidance of something just because it MIGHT have a negative consequence is very short-sighted.
Take the longer view instead....Alimony is only awarded in 15% of divorces. 15%!
These days a little less than 40% of marriages end in divorce.
That means that MORE THAN HALF do not end.
You are recommending people avoid marriage altogether when
1) there is a greater chance they will never be divorced (especially if they very consciously choose their partners) than that they will be and
2) Of those approximately 40% who divorce only 15% of all of them ever pay alimony!
Talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water, lol.
I get that you don't have a positive view of marriage based on your own life experiences.
But you are smart enough to realize that your experience is not the only experience possible
A wise man is always open to learning and growing. Try to remain open to the possibility that with the right woman by your side, marriage might end up being one of the best things that could ever happen to you in your life!
This has happened for many people - why not you?
First, I am not your friend and I respectfully request you not refer to me as that.
Second, I am just stating a fact. If these guys (who probably don't have two nickels to rub together anyway) whine so much about possibly having to pay alimony, then marriage is not for them. Why even take that risk if you are so damn scared of what happens at the end?
Third, marriage is just not for me and it does not have anything to do with the fear of paying alimony.
I am not sure what this "black and white" thinking is. There are a lot of males on this board, just like females, who are too quick to make gender generalizations instead of seeing people as people. But when it comes to marriage, and more to the point, divorce, the system IS wildly biased in favor of women. The transition from patriarchal society to would-be equal has not gone well for many, many men in divorce courts. And this new equality has not eradicated the phenomenon of the gold digger, woman who wants to be taken care of. But now this fluffy, brainless woman has outs right? She does not have to put up with the economic situation she signed up for if it ceases to suit her whim. She can go snag some other poor sod.
Until such time as divorce really is gender equitable, and men I do believe the correct trends are happening, at least in the north. You southerns are hosed in the equality department as near as I can tell. But until marriage equality, and divorce equality is real, my advice to my son will be DON'T get married unless you really know this is the One. Don't just Play hard to get, be hard to get. Because hot damn you are worth it.
Can you be more specific in how you think the system is wildly biased in favor of the female? I don't really see this with people I know that are divorced.
If you are talking about the Hollywood sort of gold digger divorce, that certainly only represents a very small fraction of divorces.
I dunno if this is another attempt at sarcasm, but it's ridiculous if it is.
Regardless of Lilac's statistics (which I'm skeptical of), a lot of women DO make out like bandits, the lawyers ALWAYS do, and the courts are skewed highly in favor of women, depending on the state. So there is a vested interest there.
I don't know any divorced women who have made out like bandits.
Being a victim has become a cottage industry in this world
Too many parents are failing to teach their kids the concept of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for where they find themselves.
I find it ironic that a pro alimony person is so in favor of personal responsibility. Methinks you protest too much. So, one can argue that alimony is part and parcel to the cottage industry of being a victim. If one of the parties decides to be the full time stays at home raise the child parent, they should also work to maintain marketable skills so they can return to the workforce one the children reach school age. The same should be said for both parties when it comes to careers and income, I am all for equal opportunities.
To make it perfectly clear; I am all for equitable division of assets (and debts). I am in favor of child support to ensure the child’s wellbeing first and foremost.
I also believe that once a marriage ends the entitlement to expect a similar lifestyle they maintained while married, unless they specifically contribute to that end.
I find the OP's mentality to be repulsive. However, he has legal options. This thread was beyond stupid for the first post.
Thanks for this post. This is much more reflective of what I see amongst divorced women that I know. The ones that supposedly make out like bandits, I have yet to meet.
I don't know any divorced women who have made out like bandits.
Except in the rare case where there was extreme wealth, I don't think anyone, man or woman, makes out like a bandit. It's always going to be difficult going from a couple living together and sharing finances and household management to single people making it on their own.
My ex-wife still continues to try and get money off me, even though she now has another man.
Is that right? (ethically, not legally)
Should the alimony procedure be abolished?
I think it should because
IMO, it is all one big scam.
So how about it?
You agreed to the arrangement when you divorced and you should have known she would find another man. She is NOT required to marry anyone just so you don't have to pay alimony any longer. The courts think it is right whether you think it is or not so continue to pay the alimony OR take her back to court and get the court to order that you no longer have to pay her because she is with another man. Otherwise, since you agreed to it in the first place quit whining about it.
Thanks for this post. This is much more reflective of what I see amongst divorced women that I know. The ones that supposedly make out like bandits, I have yet to meet.
The failure of the women you know to make out like bandits is likely due to the original problem. Your friends are making poor choices in men. They fall for the guy that makes them feel however they think they need to feel at that moment, instead of finding a quality man who will at least try to treat them well in the long term.
I don't know one divorced guy with children that works a decent job and isn't financially suffering beyond what you can imagine. And the mother of the children more times than not live in a decent home, have a decent vehicle, and the children are well provided for.
And I would not consider my social/networking group to be among those of upper class.
Just normal, average Joes paying child support and being responsible.
You agreed to the arrangement when you divorced and you should have known she would find another man. She is NOT required to marry anyone just so you don't have to pay alimony any longer. The courts think it is right whether you think it is or not so continue to pay the alimony OR take her back to court and get the court to order that you no longer have to pay her because she is with another man. Otherwise, since you agreed to it in the first place quit whining about it.
Honestly, I think even posting this kind of comment is beyond rude.
Regardless of whether or not you agree with the arrangement, have you ever stopped to consider how YOU would feel if you had to pay a man x amount of dollars every month for the rest of your life, knowing that he is dating other women and spending your money on entertaining them? And on top of it, he would refuse to re-marry, due to the fact that your money would no longer be obligated legally?
I swear, either some people don't think, or they just have no conscience.
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