Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've only recently come across this idea, as something people actually do (as opposed to just say). I mean, the idea that if one person in a couple does something that inconveniences or annoys or hurts the other person, then that second person gets to have them do something nice to 'make it up'.
In retrospect, a few times, in the early phase of dating, I've had guys say, 'How can I make it up to you?', but I had no idea how to answer. I didn't have a sense of what sorts of things were cool to ask for, or of how much a given offense was 'worth'. So I just said, 'Don't worry about it.'
And, sometimes, I think this set a bad precedent. It made it seem like being inconsiderate had no consequences. (Ultimately there WERE consequences, because I broke up with them for many repeated rudenesses, but perhaps that whole thing could have been avoided?)
Do any of you do this 'making up for' thing? Can you give me some examples, so I can get a better sense of how it works? I think I should try it.
I've only recently come across this idea, as something people actually do (as opposed to just say). I mean, the idea that if one person in a couple does something that inconveniences or annoys or hurts the other person, then that second person gets to have them do something nice to 'make it up'.
In retrospect, a few times, in the early phase of dating, I've had guys say, 'How can I make it up to you?', but I had no idea how to answer. I didn't have a sense of what sorts of things were cool to ask for, or of how much a given offense was 'worth'. So I just said, 'Don't worry about it.'
And, sometimes, I think this set a bad precedent. It made it seem like being inconsiderate had no consequences. (Ultimately there WERE consequences, because I broke up with them for many repeated rudenesses, but perhaps that whole thing could have been avoided?)
Do any of you do this 'making up for' thing? Can you give me some examples, so I can get a better sense of how it works? I think I should try it.
This might work in the dating world, but in a marriage it would be called "keeping score", which is never going to be a good thing for the marriage
I could see how it could work for people who are just dating - guy has to work late on his girls birthday unexpectedly. He tells her he'll make it up to her the next week and then follows through by going above and beyond to make it "her" special day/night.
But really, this is the kind of thing people do while dating to basically further the relationship only.
Yeah, it seemed weirdly... I dunno... fiscal to me; that's why I have avoided it all my life.
But now I think that maybe, to use your example, when I didn't let him make the next week special, and I just split the bill with him as usual, that it sent the message that it was fine to blow off my birthday, forever.
They want to be forgiven. And when you truly forgive you're supposed to do it in trust. What's a more important question is to ask yourself is if you think that person did the best he was capable of doing, based on his real capabilities, not what you think his capabilities should be. And then after that, you can evaluate whether you can live with that or not.
Yeah, it seemed weirdly... I dunno... fiscal to me; that's why I have avoided it all my life.
But now I think that maybe, to use your example, when I didn't let him make the next week special, and I just split the bill with him as usual, that it sent the message that it was fine to blow off my birthday, forever.
Oh yeah honey, let the guy "make it up to you" when dating if he's missed something important like your birthday or grandma's funeral
This really is how you can tell if a guy is someone you want to continue to the next level with
What's a more important question is to ask yourself is if you think that person did the best he was capable of doing, based on his real capabilities, not what you think his capabilities should be.
Yeah, I think that's it in a nutshell.
The mistake I have made, in more than one relationship, was to trust that my partner was doing his absolute best -- and that if what he did wasn't great, that was because he was not capable of doing more.
But then I have seen the same guys, in subsequent relationships, step up because their new partners made it clear that they expected more. (I tend to stay friends with my ex's, and they tell me stuff.)
So I think that, by being so trusting, I have inadvertently sent the message that I am not someone you have to do your best for. You can slack off, be lazy, be selfish, and nothing will happen.
I was thinking maybe this (weirdly transactional) thing that some people do might help? It might be learning tool for me?
The mistake I have made, in more than one relationship, was to trust that my partner was doing his absolute best -- and that if what he did wasn't great, that was because he was not capable of doing more.
But then I have seen the same guys, in subsequent relationships, step up because their new partners made it clear that they expected more. (I tend to stay friends with my ex's, and they tell me stuff.)
So I think that, by being so trusting, I have inadvertently sent the message that I am not someone you have to do your best for. You can slack off, be lazy, be selfish, and nothing will happen.
I was thinking maybe this (weirdly transactional) thing that some people do might help? It might be learning tool for me?
No, I don't think so.
You said that the new partners made it clear that they expected more. Did you not communicate that to your partners?
I am probably really dense, but I actually cannot tell if you are being sarcastic or serious. Clue me in?
No sarcasm, I'm not a fan.
I was being very serious. Dating is supposed to be fun, but, it's also supposed to be the time you see what someone is made of so you can gradually decide whether to keep investing in that person or move on to date others.
Let a guy "make it up to you" when something really disappointing has happened.
If he doesn't offer to make it up to you or acts like there is not even anything to make up for, he is telling you a lot about who he is. Use that info to decide whether or not you can see yourself with this person long term.
But never do what you have already realized was a mistake - refuse to let him make it up to you when he offers. That may tell him something about you that makes him realize you are not the one for him long term, OR worse yet, teach him how to treat you in a way you didn't really intend to (like thinking forgetting all birthdays is now ok)
You said that the new partners made it clear that they expected more. Did you not communicate that to your partners?
No, because it never occurred to me that they were not already doing their best. I mean, I was.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
