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We assume things that later turn out not to be accurate or mistakenly believe that because we treat others one way they will treat us with equal respect/diligence/effort
We assume things that later turn out not to be accurate or mistakenly believe that because we treat others one way they will treat us with equal respect/diligence/effort
Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis
BAHA, HA, HA, HA Isn't that the truth!
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth
What's a more important question is to ask yourself is if you think that person did the best he was capable of doing, based on his real capabilities, not what you think his capabilities should be. And then after that, you can evaluate whether you can live with that or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
The mistake I have made, in more than one relationship, was to trust that my partner was doing his absolute best -- and that if what he did wasn't great, that was because he was not capable of doing more.
But then I have seen the same guys, in subsequent relationships, step up because their new partners made it clear that they expected more. (I tend to stay friends with my ex's, and they tell me stuff.)
umm... i think y'all are letting the CDR love fest get a little out of hand
there's nothing gender specific about this really. a woman can have to work late on her partner's birthday just as easily as a guy can. it seems such little inevitable inconveniences of life are somehow getting equated to not doing one's best in the relationship, which is just not true. "making it up" is a nice gesture that can make both partners feel good
as far as the communication issues, such things aren't about establishing the expectation your partner generally do their best. that should be a given if it's supposed to be a serious relationship. however, no one can do their best at all things at all times and be sensitive to all things. it's simply not possible. the communication is there to help each other understand what's most important to each of them. anyone who thinks they don't need to communicate their expectations and priorities because they and their partner can always do their best at everything is just kidding him/herself
of course, if it's making up for treating a partner outright poorly, when then of course none of this applies
ok. the example srjth used and you two discussed was missing a birthday
if he knew it was important to you to go out and he didn't make any effort over a long period of time, that's a lot worse than missing a single birthday or whatever
although, if you never told him it bothered you, he may not have realized it was important to you (although i'm guessing you tried to make it clear in other more subtle ways?)
in any case, i just don't agree that expectations are best communicated silently. there's a balance between silence and nagging that must be found and sometimes it's tough to find it
and again, there's nothing gender specific here. a woman can not go out to eat with her partner (or otherwise fail to meet a reasonable expectation) just as easily as a man can
ok. the example srjth used and you two discussed was missing a birthday
if he knew it was important to you to go out and he didn't make any effort over a long period of time, that's a lot worse than missing a single birthday or whatever
although, if you never told him it bothered you, he may not have realized it was important to you (although i'm guessing you tried to make it clear in other more subtle ways?)
in any case, i just don't agree that expectations are best communicated silently. there's a balance between silence and nagging that must be found and sometimes it's tough to find it
and again, there's nothing gender specific here. a woman can not go out to eat with her partner (or otherwise fail to meet a reasonable expectation) just as easily as a man can
Totally agree Was only discussing it from the point of view of a woman since Nila is a woman and this was something that happened to her
I've only recently come across this idea, as something people actually do (as opposed to just say). I mean, the idea that if one person in a couple does something that inconveniences or annoys or hurts the other person, then that second person gets to have them do something nice to 'make it up'.
In retrospect, a few times, in the early phase of dating, I've had guys say, 'How can I make it up to you?', but I had no idea how to answer. I didn't have a sense of what sorts of things were cool to ask for, or of how much a given offense was 'worth'. So I just said, 'Don't worry about it.'
And, sometimes, I think this set a bad precedent. It made it seem like being inconsiderate had no consequences. (Ultimately there WERE consequences, because I broke up with them for many repeated rudenesses, but perhaps that whole thing could have been avoided?)
Do any of you do this 'making up for' thing? Can you give me some examples, so I can get a better sense of how it works? I think I should try it.
When my exes would mention make it up it usually involved a nice backrub or doing something silly in a humorous way.
Their way of making it up was more cutesy or romantic.
So, bonus points for making an effort.
One of them was notorious for always wanting redemption, and his form of redemption was very.. sadomasochisitic. lol
although, if you never told him it bothered you, he may not have realized it was important to you (although i'm guessing you tried to make it clear in other more subtle ways?)
in any case, i just don't agree that expectations are best communicated silently. there's a balance between silence and nagging that must be found and sometimes it's tough to find it
I am very direct in my communication style, and I date people who like that. I think I said something like, 'Could we go out to eat sometime? One of the things that I liked about you when we met was that I imagined us sitting in sidewalk cafes and talking about philosophy.' (He was a philosophy student.) And, of course, I went out to eat with other friends and family all the time, and he knew that.
I tend to err on the side of not nagging. I say something once, and then I assume the person knows it. If nothing changes, I might say it again in a year or two, in case they forgot. Yes, I realise this is probably not quite often enough! I realise I am overly patient, or have been.
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