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I'm sitting next to my best friend and she wants to hear your advice (yes, it's really about my friend, not about myself- I already posted other threads with my own problems ).
So she's been with her boyfriend for a year now (she's 26 he's 29) and they moved in together 2 months ago. The relationship is going well, but she said that sometimes her boyfriend acts distant and he doesn't want to say why, even sometimes claims she's making that up.
A few weeks back she sat next to him while he was on Facebook, he suddenly got a message from his ex girlfriend- When he saw her name he immediately closed the window, as if he didn't want my friend to see that she wrote him. This together with him behaving distant sometimes made her thinking if she has something to hide.
So, when he wasn't in the apartment she took his computer and checked his Facebook. He left his FB open so it was easy. She checked the messages and there it was, the message from his ex. Btw he broke up with this ex more than 2 years ago, she even lives in a different country, so they haven't seen each other in a long time. Her message said something like: 'Hey, I'm sorry I'm answering so late, I was on vacation so I didn't have internet. It would have been awesome to see you in Europe! Next time! How are you?'
So she scrolles up and there it was. A message from him to her: 'Hey! How are you? I went to XYZ (city name) last weekend and remembered how great times we had there. I'm traveling next month for a month to Europe- Would you like to meet me there? It would be awesome to travel together!'
Scrolling up she also saw that they're in contact like every couple of weeks.
This trip to Europe, my friend made it with her boyfriend. He was supposed to go alone first because she couldn't get holiday, but in the end she did. So he asked his ex before he asked his girlfriend to meet up in Europe. He asked my friend a few days after he asked his ex.
So the question now is- What should my friend do? Should she confront her boyfriend with what she read? She knows it's not right to read anyone's Facebook, but she was suspicious so she did it and she found those messages. But she doesn't know if it doesn't make it worse if she admits that she read this FB message.
So the question now is- What should my friend do? Should she confront her boyfriend with what she read? She knows it's not right to read anyone's Facebook, but she was suspicious so she did it and she found those messages. But she doesn't know if it doesn't make it worse if she admits that she read this FB message.
What would you do?
Personally, if I feel I have to live the rest of my life constantly feeling monitored and accused, I would leave. I cannot STAND people who check my phone record, read my journal, or log in my account to check my messages.
Relationship without trust and MUTUAL RESPECT cannot survive. I think your friend should move on to somebody whom she can trust. He cannot change, if he is a potential cheater, he will cheat when opportunity is there. Playing private detective is not going to change somebody, it will only push that person away.
All I see are friendly messages, and yes there is nothing wrong with remaining friendly with an ex. Furthermore it sounds like the guy's ex blew him off anyway. "I didn't have internet" sounds like an excuse to not meet.
Does your friend have a reason to be suspicious, other than this? My gut feeling is that she shouldn't tell him. Nothing good ever comes out of snooping! Your friend may be exaggerating about how he immediately closed the FB window, jealous people always do.
He wrote her a message saying that he remembered the nice experiences they had. And wanting to meet up alone with your ex in Europe when she's also alone? I don't think that looks like an attempt to be friends.
The trip to Europe was 2 months ago btw.
Well and my friend says he behaves distant sometimes, not talking much, not kissing, not hugging without any reason and that in the past he sometimes threatened to break up.
He wrote her a message saying that he remembered the nice experiences they had. And wanting to meet up alone with your ex in Europe when she's also alone? I don't think that looks like an attempt to be friends.
The trip to Europe was 2 months ago btw.
Well and my friend says he behaves distant sometimes, not talking much, not kissing, not hugging without any reason and that in the past he sometimes threatened to break up.
Personally, if I feel I have to live the rest of my life constantly feeling monitored and accused, I would leave. I cannot STAND people who check my phone record, read my journal, or log in my account to check my messages.
Relationship without trust and MUTUAL RESPECT cannot survive. I think your friend should move on to somebody whom she can trust. He cannot change, if he is a potential cheater, he will cheat when opportunity is there. Playing private detective is not going to change somebody, it will only push that person away.
Both should move on already.
I dunno - I have some empathy if there's reason to snoop. In this case, there was. I'm in contact with some of my exes, and it wouldn't occur to me that I should hide their emails from whoever I'm seeing currently. Being in contact with my exes means that I am automatically very open with a current romantic interest about the nature of that contact. I'm not saying she was RIGHT to snoop, but it was pretty understandable.
That said, I agree they should both move on. He's proven to be deceptive. I wouldn't even tell him the reason - I'd just say "This isn't working for me." And leave it at that. With that kind of casual betrayal, you can't really trust the guy. I suspect she snooped because there is something inherently untrustworthy about him. If you're a reasonable person, your gut is a pretty good thing to go by - assuming she is not a "psycho" controlling type, her gut was telling her all she needed to know.
He wrote her a message saying that he remembered the nice experiences they had. And wanting to meet up alone with your ex in Europe when she's also alone? I don't think that looks like an attempt to be friends.
The trip to Europe was 2 months ago btw.
Well and my friend says he behaves distant sometimes, not talking much, not kissing, not hugging without any reason and that in the past he sometimes threatened to break up.
I was going to point out the flaws in your thinking in your first paragraph here, but if the guy keeps threatening to break, your friend should accept the threat and move on. That is WAY worse than the FB story. Threaten to dump me = good bye. Where is her pride?
The goobermint is already watching my every move (all in the interest of "national security" of course ). If you feel the urge to snoop, things aren't working out to begin with. If your friend is generally a trusting person, she should have just gone with her intuition and broken things off. That being said, sometimes it is nice to be able to confirm your suspicions before hitting the eject button on a relationship. How's that for double speak?
So let's see if I have this right:
- he wanted to meet up with her in Europe, but she declined?
- he asked only because he thought he was going to be alone?
That raises a huge red flag if he only asked because he thought he was going alone.
Why would you meet up with your ex if you didn't have feelings? I know some people remain friends, but wouldn't you mention it to your current SO? Also just because she shot him down, doesn't mean squat to me. He still wanted to be with her, and her saying no wouldn't change that.
Now I do believe it's wrong to look, and she should not say anything.
If he has threatened to break up and wants to meet his ex behind her back, I would make plans to leave.
I say that because life is too short to live that way. I had a cheating, lying BF once and trying to keep it together made me crazy. Why "settle" for that sort of relationship. Even if it's innocent, the other issues are too much to deal with already - lack of affection, threatening to break-up, distant, etc. My thought is why settle when you aren't happy.
Just make sure she isn't snooping on the next guy because of what this guy may be up to.
Yea he thought he was going to go alone to Europe. So he asked his ex if she wants to travel there too so they can meet (she doesn't even live in Europe herself). Plus, he told her that he remembered the 'great memories' they had in that city.
She didn't answer him for a couple of days, so he asked his girlfriend again, who actually got holidays from work for that time frame.
I also think it's ok to remain friends with an ex but in this case I find it really weird. She doesn't even live in the samer country and they haven't even seen each other for two years.
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).
). If you feel the urge to snoop, things aren't working out to begin with. If your friend is generally a trusting person, she should have just gone with her intuition and broken things off. That being said, sometimes it is nice to be able to confirm your suspicions before hitting the eject button on a relationship. How's that for double speak? 
