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I was talking with my fiance the other day, and he brought up a couple we know who are having a rocky time in their relationship. They don't have much in common, but they've been together for years. Lately, the lack of common ground is causing strain. My fiance said he didn't understand why they ever got together in the first place. I weighed in that I think they, at one point, shared similar values about life and relationships, work ethics, etc.; and that perhaps that is what has changed and now magnifies the differences between them.
It sounded plausible to me and I think it could be helpful for those looking at a new relationship to pay special attention to the values they do or do not share with their intended. Perhaps this is overlooked in favor of more superficial commonalities, which would be a mistake.
I don't regard honesty, trust, patience, understanding etc. as "values". Essentially all humans, save for the pathologically afflicted, extol such "values" as being desirable, even if they fall short themselves (and indeed, everyone does).
"Values", to me, are the big three:
1. Do you want to have children? If so, how many? If not, why not?
2. What is you level of religiosity? Are you committedly devout? Lukewarm? Agnostic? Atheist? Do you view religion as a cultural tradition, or an abiding personal and emotional guide? Do you think that religion is bunk?
3. Money. Do you aim to build wealth, even at the cost of foregoing a materially comfortable lifestyle? Is comfort more important than financial accumulation? Are you frugal? Is money utterly irrelevant, or does it consume your attention? Are you envious of the more wealthy, or do you hold the concept of wealth-envy in contempt?
Consonance on these three issues is absolutely crucial! I think that it's even more important than being in love, and is certainly more important than being sexually attracted. This is why I tend to denigrate the issue of falling in love first, and then sorting things out later. I'd rather select a partner - and have her to select me - on the principle of the above-mentioned three core values. And then LATER we will aim towards falling in love.
Last edited by ohio_peasant; 07-01-2013 at 08:35 PM..
Shared values are extremely important. I don't think shared hobbies and interests are as important though, although as a spouse, you are bound to do those things together sometimes.
I was talking with my fiance the other day, and he brought up a couple we know who are having a rocky time in their relationship. They don't have much in common, but they've been together for years. Lately, the lack of common ground is causing strain. My fiance said he didn't understand why they ever got together in the first place. I weighed in that I think they, at one point, shared similar values about life and relationships, work ethics, etc.; and that perhaps that is what has changed and now magnifies the differences between them.
It sounded plausible to me and I think it could be helpful for those looking at a new relationship to pay special attention to the values they do or do not share with their intended. Perhaps this is overlooked in favor of more superficial commonalities, which would be a mistake.
Shared values are important, just not the "most" important.
You need a combination of several things for a happy relationship including chemistry, friendship, trust, mutual respect, good communication skills and emotional good health, to go along with those shared values.
Shared values are important, just not the "most" important.
You need a combination of several things for a happy relationship including chemistry, friendship, trust, mutual respect, good communication skills and emotional good health, to go along with those shared values.
i'd have to put table manners in my top 5 list, no matter how pretty she is, or what good values she has,,,if she eats like a beagle, its a game-changer
i'd have to put table manners in my top 5 list, no matter how pretty she is, or what good values she has,,,if she eats like a beagle, its a game-changer
LOLOLOLOL - your posts always make me smile
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