Did I overreact at her? (dates, boyfriend, girlfriend, long distance)

[fanman72]

warning: tl;dr & lots of "he says she says" typical BS


About a week ago, I went on a first date with someone I met online off of OKCupid. It went great; she looked good, we got along really well, we were affectionate, etc. Over the next few days, we would text each other occasionally. I am 100% sure I did not say or do anything out of line which would cause her to lose interest. We both had a great time. We did make out a bit but did not have sex. In the back of my mind I was thinking "she's pretty cool, possibly girlfriend material and better than most chicks in DC. Let's wait a few dates to see if she'll want to be exclusive"


And then, after a few days.....radio silence. I asked her out again. Another day of radio silence. I followed up playfully with "Guess not, your loss "


Then she finally responded:

"Sorry, I'm moving out of the area for a new job"


That's it. I could have left it at that and moved on to others, but you know what? This actually kind of irritated me a little bit. I bought her a bunch of drinks, we had a great time, and now she blows me off like I'm nothing? Why would she even bother going out on dates if she knew she were moving? She doesn't strike me as the one night stand type who just wanted to get ****ed and moved on - and even then, I'm beyond that point and would like something longer term

So i called her out on it. I asked if she normally strings guys along, eats their money and blows them off afterwards fully knowing she will not be around. (it isn't even about just the $, it comes down to a courtesy/respect/decency thing). I told her it wasn't cool and she shouldn't have done that.

At this point she offered to meet up again early next week, and offered to pay for everything. I told her I'm not sure you doing something out of guilt, and me being annoyed would make for a good date. I told her forget it and that i don't like getting played like that

She gets offended and somehow it turns into my fault (of course). I then realize she did offer to pay for everything second time around and maybe she wasn't completely trying to use me like i was suspecting. So we talk a little longer and then finally agree to a meet up again a second time.


I'm still annoyed at her but will probably meet up with her again. To be fair, had I not called her out on blowing me off and "overreact" we would not be meeting up a second time. That being said, did I overreact here? A part of me thinks I did

[Elained10]

I think maybe a little but I would not have been happy taking someone out thinking we had fun then getting blown off. Personally I wouldn't go on a second date, if she acted like a total ***** the first time then what's to stop her doing it the second time?

[stoneclaw]

I don't think you overreacted, but one thing about women I've learned is alot of them claim they want a man to stand up, check them, and let them know what's on your mind but they really get annoyed at us when we do it. But at least they know then that a man is not a pushover because that turns them off even more.

I personally would go out on a second date on her tab or dutch, but that's me, you make the best decision for you.

[lmw36]

Originally Posted by fanman72

warning: tl;dr & lots of "he says she says" typical BS


About a week ago, I went on a first date with someone I met online off of OKCupid. It went great; she looked good, we got along really well, we were affectionate, etc. Over the next few days, we would text each other occasionally. I am 100% sure I did not say or do anything out of line which would cause her to lose interest. We both had a great time. We did make out a bit but did not have sex. In the back of my mind I was thinking "she's pretty cool, possibly girlfriend material and better than most chicks in DC. Let's wait a few dates to see if she'll want to be exclusive"


And then, after a few days.....radio silence. I asked her out again. Another day of radio silence. I followed up playfully with "Guess not, your loss "


Then she finally responded:

"Sorry, I'm moving out of the area for a new job"


That's it. I could have left it at that and moved on to others, but you know what? This actually kind of irritated me a little bit. I bought her a bunch of drinks, we had a great time, and now she blows me off like I'm nothing? Why would she even bother going out on dates if she knew she were moving? She doesn't strike me as the one night stand type who just wanted to get ****ed and moved on - and even then, I'm beyond that point and would like something longer term

I am in a career where I can move given less than a weeks notice. Who knows, maybe she was casually applying for jobs and finally heard back from one THE DAY after you went out with her. Things happen. DC is a transient city, I lived outside of there.

So i called her out on it. I asked if she normally strings guys along, eats their money and blows them off afterwards fully knowing she will not be around. (it isn't even about just the $, it comes down to a courtesy/respect/decency thing). I told her it wasn't cool and she shouldn't have done that.

Wow, seriously? This is childish. If you are so broke to where you can't afford to take a woman out, then don't, or offer to go dutch. You are taking something way too personal from someone you don't even know. Like I said, there are many explanations for her behavior. Perhaps she wasn't sure she was moving. I have moved 4 different states the past 2 years, and it's hard to make friends, let alone date. Please don't jump to conclusions. People move all the time.

At this point she offered to meet up again early next week, and offered to pay for everything. I told her I'm not sure you doing something out of guilt, and me being annoyed would make for a good date. I told her forget it and that i don't like getting played like that

Good, both of you need to stop wasting your time.

She gets offended and somehow it turns into my fault (of course). I then realize she did offer to pay for everything second time around and maybe she wasn't completely trying to use me like i was suspecting. So we talk a little longer and then finally agree to a meet up again a second time.


I'm still annoyed at her but will probably meet up with her again. To be fair, had I not called her out on blowing me off and "overreact" we would not be meeting up a second time. That being said, did I overreact here? A part of me thinks I did

Yep, you are in the wrong. I would have at least asked her if she would like to meet up for coffee (cheap, not playing you!) and discuss her future career endeavors. Who knows, if you hadn't blown your cap, maybe this could be a positive experience for the both of you. I am in a long distance relationship myself. My boyfriend has had to deal with me moving states away with several days notice, I'm sure it's hard meeting completely new people.

See above.

Edit: How can you draw the conclusion this girl was acting like "a total B"? Not texting for a DAY is something that happens. Heck, I forget to text people two days at a time. If it's important, or someone close to me, they usually call. Especially if something is going on with my career. I have been known to blow off conversations because I have had to pack my apartment or do something short notice.

It was a FIRST DATE. OP even said they had a good time, she probably did. Maybe she wanted a day or two to process how she felt, or return job interview calls.

Even if she is a total priss and took advantage of you, I still wouldn't make a fuss about it. Move on to the next girl, try another date with someone else. Most people we meet and date are not the one. Why get your heart rate up over it?

[Elained10]

Originally Posted by stoneclaw

I don't think you overreacted, but one thing about women I've learned is alot of them claim they want a man to stand up, check them, and let them know what's on your mind but they really get annoyed at us when we do it. But at least they know then that a man is not a pushover because that turns them off even more.

I personally would go out on a second date on her tab or dutch, but that's me, you make the best decision for you.

I agree with the bolded

I recently was a bit of a ***** to a really great guy I was in a mood and I moaned about something stupid anyways he totally called me out on it and I was totally shocked but I was glad he did I then apologised for being moodylol

[fanman72]

Originally Posted by lmw36

See above.

Edit: How can you draw the conclusion this girl was acting like "a total B"? Not texting for a DAY is something that happens. Heck, I forget to text people two days at a time. If it's important, or someone close to me, they usually call. Especially if something is going on with my career. I have been known to blow off conversations because I have had to pack my apartment or do something short notice.

It was a FIRST DATE. OP even said they had a good time, she probably did. Maybe she wanted a day or two to process how she felt, or return job interview calls.

Let's clarify a few things - I have a good job in DC. $$$ isn't an issue. I just hate the feeling that I'm getting used. That, I have little patience for. As far as texting, 2-3 days of texting after the date, then a few days of radio silence from her end (I sent out about 2 or 3 messages, I dont' remember before asking her out again). It's not the radio silence which put me off, it's the "Sorry, I'm moving out of the area" comment like i was nothing. That's what irked me


As far as finding out about her job offer, but in the professional world who gives less than 2 weeks notice? Standard procedure. It's possible and I'll try and find out what the deal was come Monday because if in fact she did get a job offer after we went on our date, then yes it changes everything and i overreacted for sure...although I would imagine she would have told me that while i was bitching at her

[lmw36]

Originally Posted by fanman72

Let's clarify a few things - I have a good job in DC. That's good for you. I just hate the feeling that I'm getting used. I would hardly classify going out on one date as "using" someone. That, I have little patience for. Then why bother following up with her? As far as texting, 2-3 days of texting after the date, then a few days of radio silence from her end (I sent out about 2 or 3 messages, I dont' remember before asking her out again).Call her. Some peoples phones also don't register text messages for several days, I had a good friend who I ALWAYS had to call because her phone acted up. It's not the radio silence which put me off, it's the "Sorry, I'm moving out of the area" comment like i was nothing. You went out on one date. That's what irked me


As far as finding out about her job offer, but in the professional world who gives less than 2 weeks notice? If someone is very, very unhappy with their job, it can happen. Maybe she was about to get laid off or fired. Maybe her company was closing down. Standard procedure. I agree, but in my company, we have to be more flexible. It's possible and I'll try and find out what the deal was come Monday

You just sound too bitter for this to turn out well. I really hope it does.

[fanman72]

Are you a guy or a girl? Speaking from experience, everything you've given is completely bad advice or wrong

Yes, I have a good job and i'm saying that in response to your first comment on this thread

Nobody under 30 calls other people. Texting is way more convenient. Calling puts people on the spot, which many - esp girls - are not comfortable with at all. I call my parents and my best friend pretty regularly, but that's about it. I've noticed most simply don't like it. It's too intrusive and interrupts whatever they're in the middle of

Yes, it's using someone to go out on a date, enjoy a nice night out with no intention of seeing them again. It's the female of equivalent of a guy luring a girl on, pumping and dumping, and never calling them again. That's how i see it.

In this day and age, you have to have a real **** phone to not receive text messages. Or just be plain stupid to not check it once in a while. That excuse does not check out


Always a possibility that a company is closing down, but in a stable area and decent industry it's not something we see every day.

[stepka]

I just think you liked her more than she liked you. If she is moving, she might not be going all that far and for the right man a LDR might be a possibility but in this case, no. You just move on. This is a pinprick for a day or two.

[Elained10]

Originally Posted by fanman72

Are you a guy or a girl? Speaking from experience, everything you've given is completely bad advice or wrong

Which poster?