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This is a genderless crime
If u r a 2 stop demanding a 10
For what it's worth, this arbitrary number scale is hand-in-hand with having standards. Perhaps even a little more sophomoric because instead of actually saying, "I prefer this, that, and the other thing in a woman" a guy is instead attempting to quantify a person by assigning her appearance a number value. Now that takes some intellect!
While it's certainly reasonable to seek a partner whose life is already established and for whom the relationship is an enrichment rather than a palliative, we ought to be careful of extremes. Let's take a person who already has everything, who derives his/her pleasures and fascinations and contacts from a network of friends. Well, what need does this person have for a romantic relationship? Sex? Yes, but that's not a relationship.
At age 20 perhaps embarking on a relationship from scratch, excites passions that were not heretofore there. It creates - and meets! - new needs. But at 40 or 60, those needs are already there. What the new relationship does is to fulfill those unmet needs. If a woman has no such needs, what benefits do I provide for her, by entering into a relationship? If her "emotional and social needs" are already met, what then am I, besides a perfunctory appendage? I have no substantive role. No, the sort of woman whom I want to meet is one who most definitely DOES have a substantial and abiding emptiness in her life, which our putative new relationship aims to fill.
And this really is where I struggle so much.... Women who do have their proverbial stuff together, who are successful professionals and so forth, generally don't have the aforementioned burning need. Women who do have such need, are looking for a father for their children or a bailout for their debts.
I don't disagree with this in theory, but in reality, people who "need" emotionally, or who appear to at all, are often not deemed as attractive to those who do not appear to need.
The reason for this is that most people DO really need a relationship emotionally, even those who seem to have it all together & be happy & fulfilled. BUT, since they feel some void, they are naturally looking for someone to "fill" it. So instead of being attracted to need, or seeing it as a mutual need, they look for someone who BRINGS some value, who SHOWS what they have to GIVE. But people who have that value really have the need also, so they too look for someone who has something to GIVE.
This is why Nila's post is correct as far as how one needs to be in a superficial sense - they have a FULL life, so they have much to GIVE.
It is unfortunate that most cannot reconcile the idea that people can have much to give & also have a valid need for a relationship, without this making them needy or unable to bring value. Being able to give & also needing to receive are not mutually exclusive. This forces people to deny or hide any need, which is not shameful, but natural & human.
In short, you're kind of both right in your views....
When guys say stuff like, "The only way I could get a date is to lower my standards" don't you think it is an admission that perhaps their standards were too high in the first place?
not necessarily; we don't have any context. the guy in question could've just been horribly disfigured in a fire and is coming to terms with his new self.
You didn't answer my question earlier. Why are you directing this solely at men? Do you not believe women have unrealistically high standards?
I'm sorry I missed your question earlier, I must have overlooked it. I think there are plenty of women out there who have inrealistic standards, just as there are men. I pose this question about men for two main reasons.
First, I'm a guy. There is no shortage of threads here calling out the opposite sex for all the perceived inequities in dating and relationships. What we don't see enough of is men expecting accountability from men and women expecting the same from women. FWIW I feel among the regulars here on CD the women actually do a better job of not entertaining excuses from their own than men. See a guy start a thread about how unfair the dating world is and you see a bunch of guys come out of the wood work and whip themselves into a frenzy. I find that pitiful and immature and certainly not constructive. And I think this is more meaningful coming from another male.
Secondly, I simply have had some pretty solid success in my dating life (married now) and I dated a wide range of women. I dated women who were taller than me, I've dated short girls, girls who made more money than me, who were overweight, who were athletic and in shape, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, etc... I am simply not convinced that most of the complaints are founded in anything other than self pity and frustration. It is not hard to meet a wonderful woman who does nor have unrealistic standards. Of course, this answer is based on my own experience.
Last edited by iknowftbll; 07-15-2013 at 02:26 PM..
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