My role in the breakup (at least what I've figured out) (marriage, women)

[metamorphosis]

Many times when someone writes on the forum that they've had a breakup. There are members who will reply to those posts, asking what we (the OP) have done to take part in the breakup. It is hard to deal with (obviously) and we don't always know what happened, since our SOs won't tell us. For me, so far, it's taken time to be able to answer that question of what I did or didn't do.

I've had 6 months and 6 days since I left to think about it. And Lord knows I've thought about it. So, now I will get it out (because I'll feel better - or not) and hopefully help someone else - and hopefully before it's too late for them.

We lived together for over 6 years - knew each other for 9. When we lived together, he would tell me how much he hated living in that region, hated the commute, hated the people he worked with. If there was somewhere to go on the weekends, he wasn't too happy about it, because he felt pressured to be somewhere as if he was on a schedule during his time from work. That's about it for him. Now me: I loved him so much and just wanted our lives to be easy. If there was a problem (a leaky faucet in the apartment for example), I was the one who got on the phone and made the situation better. I smoothed things over, so he wouldn't have to deal with it. Maybe this arrangement caused me to lose some of myself. Maybe the same thing happened to him somehow.

He had hinted at getting married several times. In December of 2012, he was telling me how excited he was about my Christmas gift, so I thought it was going to be a ring. That is, until he started giving me hints. Then, I knew it wasn't a ring. It was a wonderful gift, but not a ring. I loved him so much and wanted to commit to him and show/tell the world that I loved him. In my mind, I felt that by not marrying me, he didn't "love me enough" to marry me.

Since he didn't want to have to be anywhere on the weekends, I never planned anything - even for myself. Our lives were getting deeper in a rut. We went to work, came home to eat and sleep, and did the same thing over again the next day, and the next day, and the next day. We stopped having fun in large amounts.

Money was getting tight, because I didn't have a great job, and it was a job that I hated. He hated his job. He had even said, several times, that he wanted to move to my home state. I was getting very depressed about work. My mom is elderly and each time I got a call, I wasn't sure I'd see her alive again.

Our lease was going to be coming up soon, but my bank account was hemorrhaging money. I couldn't afford that region much longer. I told him that I couldn't afford it. I hoped telling him would motivate him to look for a transfer and we could move. He got upset and cried. I told him that I'd try to make my financial situation work. I signed the lease for another year.

My daughter lost her baby. I dropped everything and went back home. It was extremely difficult to leave her. After that, everything changed. I wanted to be with my family. He didn't seem to be interested in marrying me anymore, so I wondered why I was there. I didn't feel valued at home or at work, and that's all I had in a state that I moved to.

As a result, I started planning to leave. I brought a couple boxes home, but never could emotionally face the idea of really leaving. I had always thought that we would be together. I wanted to leave, but I wanted to leave with him. I had great doubts that I really would leave on my own.

The part that I think I have figured out correctly, involves me being depressed about my situation (financial and emotional - not having family nearby). It also involves me "fixing" things so he didn't have any additional stress. All that did was put more on me, and I suppose I didn't come off as being uber joyful. Our lives were in a rut. My heart was hurting over the loss of my grandchild and the loss of thinking he didn't love me "enough" to marry me. At that point, I felt like I wasn't marriage material any longer (or never was).

And then, he started spending time with the women at work . . .

And then, I left. Without him. Without part of my heart.

So, if any of my story sounds the least bit familiar in your life, fix it now, before it gets worse and you can't stop the downhill slide.

[NilaJones]

I'm sorry, metamorphosis.

I am also relatively new here, and was not here if/when you posted about this stuff when it was fresh. So I'm tempted to ask questions, but afraid I might reopen old wounds.

[findly185]

Taking responsibility is the first step. Learning from your mistakes is the next.

It may not feel like it now. But this should become a teachable moment for you. One which will better prepare you in the future.

[Philosophizer]

I'm truly sorry you spent so many years with a guy that had no intentions of ever giving you what you really wanted. Lesson learned the hard way. You'll be a wreck for quite a while, and it will feel like you'll never love again, but you'll get through it in due time.

[metamorphosis]

Taking responsibility is the first step. Learning from your mistakes is the next.

One big lesson is to not stagnate. Keep learning new things or doing the things you are interested in. If you don't do what interests you, you can become depressed and eventually boring.

Another one is to not wait for the other person to make decisions that affect your life. I am all about togetherness and working as a team, so this gets a bit tricky. But if there is something that you want, it isn't in your best interest to put your life on hold. People need to keep moving forward. IOW, don't lose your self.

[Freshflakes757]

My ex was a **** and I would get angry and say mean **** to her. I was wrong for yelling at her the way I did, but me calling her "****" and "*****" was likely very justified.

Yup, I learned the hard way.