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Some of you may have read my other posts about this weekend.
If you hadn't here is a quick synopsis. I like this girl and I have known her for about 6 months, in that time she has been on and off with her high school BF and I have stayed away. We are at best acquaintances but she is rather open too me about things (not the bf) and she knows I liked her because I asked her out within the first 10 days of knowing her (before I knew about the bf). We are both in college and once the semester starts back up I plan on going all out after her because I either want to be with her or move on (hope that doesn't sound creepy). She does seem legitimately interested, I would say I'm not just any old guy friend, she lets me touch her and sends self pics among a lot of other things.
She invited herself over to my place for the weekend and we made some plans to go do some of the few fun things in our college town and I was also going to help her with some work stuff with her computer. Well when she was up here we were both a little sick and she was tired half the time and the work stuff fell through. Instead we just did all the fun things we had planned in a day. While she was here we were totally in each other's personal space and being more than friendly but I was going pretty slow and being conservative. Then she left early after I tried to get her to stay (probably came off as desperate, but not too bad, I just tried to invite some mutual friends over so we could play cards). Really it wasn't a bad weekend and I feel like it went alright but could have been better and she had a legit reason for leaving coupled with the fact it really did get boring as we had more time than activities.
Now we are meeting up next weekend and going to try this again, this time though we are spending one of the days with a group of mutual friends. So its not a total loss, I'm actually going to see her the next two weekends, then two weeks off, then school starts back up.
So my deal here is I feel like I messed this one up, but then again I may have been expecting too much. Also I don't know how to lower the awkward level now that she's left. I'm thinking I'll call her tomorrow and talk about next weekend. Then maybe initiate some flirting during the week.
I don't know that I'd call her tomorrow. I worry that could come across as a little desperate and if she's still unsure about how she feels, a little pushy.
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While she was here we were totally in each other's personal space and being more than friendly but I was going pretty slow and being conservative.
What does this mean? You don't have to give specifics if you're not comfortable... just trying to get a feel of whether she was actually interested in something more than friends because it seems weird that she would've left early if that was the case.
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Then she left early after I tried to get her to stay (probably came off as desperate, but not too bad, I just tried to invite some mutual friends over so we could play cards). Really it wasn't a bad weekend and I feel like it went alright but could have been better and she had a legit reason for leaving coupled with the fact it really did get boring as we had more time than activities.
What was this reason? If there was chemistry (or maybe there wasn't?) why did it get boring? I wonder if it might help not to spend quite such a long period of time together at first. Like there's a reason dates in the early stages are usually measured in terms of hours, not days. When you're just stepping into something, it's nice not to have that pressure of making conversation and interacting for 48 hours straight. It's also nice to spend a few hours together, then have some time apart for anticipation to build.
Anyway, I think contacting her tomorrow (did she just leave today?) might be too pushy. I might wait until Wednesday, then send a casual, "Feeling better?" message if she was sick. And if there's any way to engineer it where you don't have too much time on your hands next weekend, that might not hurt. Like if she was going to come down in the morning, maybe you suddenly have a conflict and don't need her to come until later in the afternoon. That would give you more the time span of a traditional date and you would have the friends there the following day.
I don't know that I'd call her tomorrow. I worry that could come across as a little desperate and if she's still unsure about how she feels, a little pushy.
What does this mean? You don't have to give specifics if you're not comfortable... just trying to get a feel of whether she was actually interested in something more than friends because it seems weird that she would've left early if that was the case.
What was this reason? If there was chemistry (or maybe there wasn't?) why did it get boring? I wonder if it might help not to spend quite such a long period of time together at first. Like there's a reason dates in the early stages are usually measured in terms of hours, not days. When you're just stepping into something, it's nice not to have that pressure of making conversation and interacting for 48 hours straight. It's also nice to spend a few hours together, then have some time apart for anticipation to build.
Anyway, I think contacting her tomorrow (did she just leave today?) might be too pushy. I might wait until Wednesday, then send a casual, "Feeling better?" message if she was sick. And if there's any way to engineer it where you don't have too much time on your hands next weekend, that might not hurt. Like if she was going to come down in the morning, maybe you suddenly have a conflict and don't need her to come until later in the afternoon. That would give you more the time span of a traditional date and you would have the friends there the following day.
By more than friendly I mean things like sharing drinks, lots of touching, sharing a corner on my big couch, hugged for a good minute or two when she left. Things were great 90% of the time but once we got into the evening of the second day there really wasn't much to do other than just be with each other. Not that we can't do that, but I feel like this went as far as I could take it without making her uncomfortable. We got to a point where we just kind of wandered around town (It was nice day) and we realized we'd been walking for over 2 hours and gone several miles. I really didn't want to push anything, I was worried I'd scare her off. This is essentially our first date.
This all happened yesterday and today. She actually texted me after I wrote the original post and told me she had a good time and was looking forward to next weekend. I sent her something flirty back and she responded well to it. I guess I didn't really blow it, but it didn't really go anywhere special this time.
The plan for next weekend is we meet up Friday evening and a bunch of other people from out of town stay at my place. We all do our thing on Saturday, and then everyone but her leaves and then we spend Saturday night and a good part of Sunday together.
To complicate matters more is I feel like I'm bordering on friend/date with her a lot of the time. And it makes it hard for me to read what I should do. At the time all this stuff seemed like it was as far as I could go. Then from the texting afterword I feel like I could have gone in for a kiss/making out, I dunno, she's kind of shy about that I'm starting to think. I'm thinking next time she's here I'll go in for some more intimate type touching and try to make out a little.
Also just throwing this out there. My main goal of this weekend was to get closer to her and find out how she feels about me. I only got some of that accomplished, I know I am incredibly close to her and she cares about me but I still don't know if she really likes me.
My main goal of this weekend was to get closer to her and find out how she feels about me. I only got some of that accomplished, I know I am incredibly close to her and she cares about me but I still don't know if she really likes me.
This is why dating is a process. It does take time to get to know someone and determine both parties' TRUE feelings. It's also why this process shouldn't be complicated with alcohol or premature sex if you really want more than a hook-up.
It's also why LDRs and online relationships make things difficult. It's so easy to be bold and have all these plans for your time together laid out in your head when there is distance between you, but cirumstances can be very different when you are together.
It sounds like you have set up a good foundation to keep moving forward. Good luck.
I guess I didn't really blow it, but it didn't really go anywhere special this time.
What would've constituted special? A kiss? Part of building attraction is taking small steps, then allowing time and space for something to develop. Sounds like you did fine, with the exception that maybe it went on longer than you (meaning both of you together) were ready for.
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The plan for next weekend is we meet up Friday evening and a bunch of other people from out of town stay at my place. We all do our thing on Saturday, and then everyone but her leaves and then we spend Saturday night and a good part of Sunday together.
That sounds reasonable. I would have some activities pre-planned for Saturday. Can you cook? Maybe a meal you guys can make together? Then get a roll of cookie dough to throw in the oven and make chocolate chip cookies after? Takes up time and often having a shared activity lowers the awkwardness factor. You can interact and have small talk without as much weirdness. Then watch a movie or something. I would plan some stuff for Sunday too. Guys (biologically speaking) are expected to take the lead more in courting, so I would have stuff planned out, not just, "So what do you want to do?"
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To complicate matters more is I feel like I'm bordering on friend/date with her a lot of the time. And it makes it hard for me to read what I should do. At the time all this stuff seemed like it was as far as I could go. Then from the texting afterword I feel like I could have gone in for a kiss/making out, I dunno, she's kind of shy about that I'm starting to think. I'm thinking next time she's here I'll go in for some more intimate type touching and try to make out a little.
Sounds like you did the right thing. I think you can't go wrong by holding back a little and allowing anticipation to build, but you could definitely go wrong by pushing too hard too fast. Have you tried holding hands with her? That would be a reasonable first step and not as hard to walk back from as an unwelcome kiss. If holding hands goes well, you later progress to a kiss that ends within 30 seconds. If that goes well, you later progress to making out. Etc.
Also just throwing this out there. My main goal of this weekend was to get closer to her and find out how she feels about me. I only got some of that accomplished, I know I am incredibly close to her and she cares about me but I still don't know if she really likes me.
Keep in mind, she may still be figuring that out too. Some guys have this weird idea about the "friend zone" as if a girl can't like a guy as a friend for awhile and then have attraction form. Happens that way all the time. If she's coming out of another relationship, especially a messy one, I'd keep moving slowly and allow the two of you to grow closer at a speed that won't freak her out.
Thanks for the input I feel like it is going ok. I've been talking to her for a few hours over text and such about next weekend. She is excited to see me and our friends, I'd say that's going well.
Now there is another question though, and this is a major part of what keeps throwing me off. She has this ex/bf/friends with benefits deal going on that I feel is a major obstacle. She thinks of it as a somewhat committed relationship right now as if they were dating, he doesn't, and I want her to get out of it and not just for the obvious reason. Based on past events he's going to make it clear its no commitment once the school year starts back up and she's going to be sad/pissed and probably start to move on for a short while. Then he's going to start warming her back up for the next time he'll have an opportunity to see her. So now I'm not sure when I should make a real move (like asking her to go on a real date with no room for misinterpretation), and if I should even talk to her about the ex at all.
Right now I would say its way to early to make any sort of move or try to understand how she feels all I have now is a foundation to build a relationship on. The trade off that I see here is making an early move and asking her about the ex provides some clarity but may be too strong and lead to failure. Other option is I sit, wait, be her "more than a friend" that keeps her guessing, and make a real move later when the semester starts and she is probably more ready to be done with the ex. Though while thinking about that I then keep going back to the fact that she either likes me in a romantic way or she doesn't and I shouldn't fear doing "freindzone" things because I'm either already in it or I'm not.
EDIT: We have a few mutual friends that are always telling her she should leave the ex for good and she should at least try dating other people while they are not "together". So I honestly don't feel I have any obligation to strike up that conversation if I don't have to. I would be uncomfortable talking about it. I just wanted to say that so I didn't get any sort of guilt trip about being a friend first, I am in every other way but that.
Last edited by 404namenotfound; 07-28-2013 at 05:47 PM..
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