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There's a lot on this thread I don't agree with but when I read the post you're referring to I did a double-take and groaned. I'm far from a prude but that was pretty tacky.
That's good advice but don't expect Rob to buy into it. Besides, I got the impression Rob did ask directly and she turned him down. Guys aren't going for the "you're special" baloney. No matter how many sentimental excuses she comes up with, Rob is going to feel she just isn't as sexually attracted to him as she was to Sam and others. The *only* thing that stands a chance of changing that feeling is lots and lots and LOTS of crazy sex til the point that Sam cannot even come close to comparing. She isn't going to fix this with talking.
I must have missed that part where she inferred he asked her point blank for XYZ and she said no. If he did and she said no, she won't do it, then yes, that advice isn't going to work. But lets be real, just because you do something with one person, doesn't mean you'd do it with another. I wrote that in my original post too. There are many things I wouldn't do with my vanilla, uptight XH, that I did with many other X's....because of how he was.
Regardless, being someone you're not, to keep another person, is a recipe for disaster IMHO.
I must have missed that part where she inferred he asked her point blank for XYZ and she said no. If he did and she said no, she won't do it, then yes, that advice isn't going to work. But lets be real, just because you do something with one person, doesn't mean you'd do it with another. I wrote that in my original post too. There are many things I wouldn't do with my vanilla, uptight XH, that I did with many other X's....because of how he was.
I'm inferring that based on several things. Maybe she can come back and explicitly answer it.
First, if it was the case that she didn't do "those things" with Rob that she did with Sam because Rob never showed any interest in them I think Cali would have stressed that point. She said 'He's also way pissed that I did stuff with Sam that I haven't done with him' which means it's important to him. He wouldn't be pissed about not getting something he didn't want.
Second, she seemed to confirm it when she replied to me with 'Also to oceangaia: This is EXACTLY how Rob feel when you said: "many men want a girl who thinks he is the best and most attractive man ever to her - who gives it up quick for him but made the others wait, who does the nasty things with him that she refused the others."' She had a chance there to say she didn't "refuse" anything but she let that part stand.
Third, she said 'I'm not positive what you mean when you said Mod snip.. Long story short, Sam yes, Rob no, Rob wants to.' How would she know Rob wanted to unless he asked for it? If his desires all came as a surprise after this blew up I think she would have mentioned that.
And let's be real, that "just because you do something with one person, doesn't mean you'd do it with another" line - however accurate it may be to you - isn't going to fly with a guy who is feeling slighted because he was refused the things that other men got. Because it raises the question of WHY would you want to with them and not me.
what if he already knows,,,what if his friend "came clean" and told him??
if he did,,,then he knows you are lying,,
if he didnt,,,then i do believe to wipe the slate clean, you should tell him
you are already carrying this around like a heavy burden,,,and you will...
however, easier said than done,,, the fwb and ons "friiend" may keep this to himself...and if he could quiet to his grave you are fine,,,but this could blow up later,,
your man might blow up knowing his friend mounted you more than a few times,,,,
you know these guys,,,,,so,,,you have a better pulse,,
the safest bet,,,,is to clear the air,,,whats done is done,,and you cant un-ring the bell...
this will be a good test of your/his love,,,,,,
if you were my woman,,,id be thinking this is the past,,,,it is what it is,,,,,but i would think highly of you telling me,,,because its not an easy thing to do....and right now,,you didnt have to do it,,,,,,
whats done is done,,,,,but- so the bomb doesnt blow up down the road,,,id lean towards telling him,,
picture 5 yrs from now,,,,guys are together,,and the ons guy tells a friend,,,you two had relations,,well that friend tells your hubby,,and he gets rip shyt,,,,
clear the air,,, but some advice- dont cry,,,,you be stern look him in the eye,,tell him its in the past,,,
enough said,,
i had a buddy in a similar situation,,,and he waited til she spilled her guts on some embarrassing moments,,and then he told her,,,,the timing was right,,things you regret,,and learn from
I'm inferring that based on several things. Maybe she can come back and explicitly answer it.
First, if it was the case that she didn't do "those things" with Rob that she did with Sam because Rob never showed any interest in them I think Cali would have stressed that point. She said 'He's also way pissed that I did stuff with Sam that I haven't done with him' which means it's important to him. He wouldn't be pissed about not getting something he didn't want.
Second, she seemed to confirm it when she replied to me with 'Also to oceangaia: This is EXACTLY how Rob feel when you said: "many men want a girl who thinks he is the best and most attractive man ever to her - who gives it up quick for him but made the others wait, who does the nasty things with him that she refused the others."' She had a chance there to say she didn't "refuse" anything but she let that part stand.
Third, she said 'I'm not positive what you mean when you said Orphaned. . Long story short, Sam yes, Rob no, Rob wants to.' How would she know Rob wanted to unless he asked for it? If his desires all came as a surprise after this blew up I think she would have mentioned that.
And let's be real, that "just because you do something with one person, doesn't mean you'd do it with another" line - however accurate it may be to you - isn't going to fly with a guy who is feeling slighted because he was refused the things that other men got. Because it raises the question of WHY would you want to with them and not me.
Thats something that women in general seem to have a hard time grasping, yet most all men would feel the same. Provided, many guys are smart enough not to bother asking questions about your girls sexual past, there are many different ways to tell how promiscuous she was before the two of you met, without putting her on the spot. Ladies, if you drop your panties for losers on a first date, your future husband hopes you would do that for him also. If there are sexual acts you have done with other men, your future husband would also hope that youd be open to doing those with him. Otherwise he feels less than, or not as sexualy attractive to you as your past lovers.
Stop PENALIZING men for being good guys and being a good relationship material. From an observation standpoint, your actions say loudly "If im physicaly attracted to this guy, but he is a loser, jerk, an ******* and not a marriage material, Ill give it up to him right away and there is no limit to what we can do in bed, because I couldnt care less what he thinks of me" and "If Im physicaly attracted to this guy, and he is a great relationship material, would make a great future boyfriend/husband, has all his ducks in a row and has all the qualities im looking for in a future partner - we'll have him walk around Snip. , and then limit of what we can do in bed, because god forbid he would think any less of me if he knew what type of **** i truly am". Its sad, and this is how men see and analyze your actions.
To kitkatbar again. It's not so much that Sam was passionate. I guess I was in the mood and it just happened. With Robe, well he was a gentleman and at that point I wanted to find a for keeps guy.
IOW, you punished Robert for being a good guy. WTG.
You do realize that she stopped having sex with the guy before she was with her fiance - right? She's not cheating on him - she lied about her past. Big difference.
Um, no. Not really. Both things are lying AND stealing. Theft of trust is still theft.
Um, no. Not really. Both things are lying AND stealing. Theft of trust is still theft.
Dude. Seriously. You need to move on from my post. It's fine if the poster I was correcting feels that they are both the same thing - but if he is only basing his opinions on a false assumption - then those opinions aren't applicable to the actual facts. And yes - there is a difference about lying about something that happened in the past and something that is happening right now. I'm not saying that one is perfectly fine and one is not - I'm simply saying that there is a difference. But once again - please, for the love of God, stop harping on that one post that seems to have triggered this obsessive response in you. I was merely pointing out the facts so that if he wanted to give a valid opinion - he could.
im not sure what the issue is really...
either she thinks her man will blow up and get upset to hear that she had slept with other men or she doesnt trust the other man to keep his mouth shut or tell the truth if he does spill.
...im just not getting why it would be such a conflicting exercise in ones mind to tell someone or leave it be. you know the guys and reasons for wanting it out there better then any random person online can fathom
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