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Not even sure if this belongs on this forum or the parenting forum its kind of an issue that fits both categories
Im currently in a relationship with my girlfriend of over 2 years.
We currently reside in a house that is owned by her. I live there with my 2 children and she has a daughter that lives there as well
It would take too long to cover all the details that have led us to this point but long story short, after a long series of failed expectations, insecurities, and difficulties in mixing two families together, i think the stress has taken its toll. I feel done.
We are both 30 and under, and I think in the last 2-3 months we've been intimate like 2 or 3 times. thats about it. We fight pretty often now. Usually when i go up to bed i just lay down and face the other way, we never touch eachother at night. It feels cold and distant. even small gestures like a kiss or hug or small touch is a rare thing around our house.
The last few times ive mentioned wanting to be intimate its been met with a very "meh" reception or complaints of being tired or not feeling well, etc etc
On top of my own issues that have caused problems in the relationship (i get frustrated very quickly and can get pretty grumpy on a whim) i have found in the past that she has talked to another male who was being extremely inappropriate with her. Making sexual comments and talking to her about sex, etc etc. Even worse, she wasnt telling him to stop. She might not have been full tilt back towards him but i would consider it somewhat receptive and most absolutely over the line. She would tell him she was laying in bed naked and saying she needed a massage... stuff like that!
We had a huge blowout. she promised to never talk to him again. but she did. Now she is sneaky about it. She acts like its not big deal or just friends but now that i dont trust her i will admit i have looked on the phone to see, and now she deletes all her messages and clears all her history. I feel i cant trust her and its ruining me.
Almost daily i sit at work with knots in my stomach. I have enough self esteem where normally i would say **** this im out, not going to be ok with being treated like a fool. But here is the issue
i have nowhere to go. She owns the house, its on me to move out if thats what i want to do. Expenses are high i have no savings, all apartments require first and last month deposit but as long as im paying her half the mortgage its hard to save. I feel stuck. I have no family around.
My children care about her and her daughter, and her daughter the same. I know that my children are secure enough in their relationship with me and their mom they would survive a split if thats what it comes down too but what do i do?
do i suck it up and just pretend to be happy so we can keep living in a nice house? or do i decide enough being unhappy and do whats right for me and try and have my life as a single father back? some days i really miss when i had my own apartment with my girls and it was just me and them... so simple then
but i do love my girlfriend and her daughter, and i really thought this was going to work. Now she has also told all of her friends and direct family (atleast mom) how bad things are and that im awful. And while i will absolutely admit i have not always been the best, it wasnt in a fair light either. So i feel everyone around judging me, as she as lots of work friends and family that are around here, whereas im alone.
Do i suck it up while carefully saving what i can until i can move out? i mean that could take a while
Why don't you just talk to her? It sounds like she wants you out, sounds like you don't want to live there. Why not just say, Hey, clearly this isn't working out, can we please map out an exit plan that will be easiest for our kids and for our financial situation?
If you approach her like an adult asking for help, she might be more willing to help you find a way to save up that apt deposit.
If you hide your feelings and ignore hers, this won't end well no matter what you do.
when you say "it sounds like she wants you out" what do you mean by that?
a few of the times we have fought and i was upset about this other guy she talked to i told her im not ok with that and i think we need to end this
and both times (last time was like 2 weeks ago) she basically pleaded with me to work on things. "ok lets go back to square one and start over" etc
so is this just a case of she wants her cake and eat it too? like oh ill keep my BF around because he's reliable in helping pay the house and good with kids, etc. But i wont seek any emotional fulfillment from him? essentially rendering me being used?
or does she want out and just is too scared to say it?
im not good at reading people at all
the reason im asking for advice is i dont want to be irrational anymore or just jump to the "everything is over" argument
just the other weekend we went out for dinner and spent the day together and had lots of fun. same with the day before that with her daughter. She seemed to genuinely be enjoying herself.
But even since our big talk about starting over and trying harder, i cant stop being insecure about my trust issues now...
Not even sure if this belongs on this forum or the parenting forum its kind of an issue that fits both categories
Im currently in a relationship with my girlfriend of over 2 years.
We currently reside in a house that is owned by her. I live there with my 2 children and she has a daughter that lives there as well
It would take too long to cover all the details that have led us to this point but long story short, after a long series of failed expectations, insecurities, and difficulties in mixing two families together, i think the stress has taken its toll. I feel done.
We are both 30 and under, and I think in the last 2-3 months we've been intimate like 2 or 3 times. thats about it. We fight pretty often now. Usually when i go up to bed i just lay down and face the other way, we never touch eachother at night. It feels cold and distant. even small gestures like a kiss or hug or small touch is a rare thing around our house.
The last few times ive mentioned wanting to be intimate its been met with a very "meh" reception or complaints of being tired or not feeling well, etc etc
On top of my own issues that have caused problems in the relationship (i get frustrated very quickly and can get pretty grumpy on a whim) i have found in the past that she has talked to another male who was being extremely inappropriate with her. Making sexual comments and talking to her about sex, etc etc. Even worse, she wasnt telling him to stop. She might not have been full tilt back towards him but i would consider it somewhat receptive and most absolutely over the line. She would tell him she was laying in bed naked and saying she needed a massage... stuff like that!
We had a huge blowout. she promised to never talk to him again. but she did. Now she is sneaky about it. She acts like its not big deal or just friends but now that i dont trust her i will admit i have looked on the phone to see, and now she deletes all her messages and clears all her history. I feel i cant trust her and its ruining me.
Almost daily i sit at work with knots in my stomach. I have enough self esteem where normally i would say **** this im out, not going to be ok with being treated like a fool. But here is the issue
i have nowhere to go. She owns the house, its on me to move out if thats what i want to do. Expenses are high i have no savings, all apartments require first and last month deposit but as long as im paying her half the mortgage its hard to save. I feel stuck. I have no family around.
My children care about her and her daughter, and her daughter the same. I know that my children are secure enough in their relationship with me and their mom they would survive a split if thats what it comes down too but what do i do?
do i suck it up and just pretend to be happy so we can keep living in a nice house? or do i decide enough being unhappy and do whats right for me and try and have my life as a single father back? some days i really miss when i had my own apartment with my girls and it was just me and them... so simple then
but i do love my girlfriend and her daughter, and i really thought this was going to work. Now she has also told all of her friends and direct family (atleast mom) how bad things are and that im awful. And while i will absolutely admit i have not always been the best, it wasnt in a fair light either. So i feel everyone around judging me, as she as lots of work friends and family that are around here, whereas im alone.
Do i suck it up while carefully saving what i can until i can move out? i mean that could take a while
I cannot believe there is any question in your mind as to what to do.
I have a son and I would never stay in a unhappy home, it hurts the kids no matter how you try to hide it. I would talk to her and tell her that you're leaving with your girls and you need to save some money for a place to stay. If she cares about you and your girls at all she will understand.
I don't understand why you pay half a mortgage that you don't have your name on? That's not wise and in future don't do that again. You should always have the home in both your names or yours as you have double the responsibility and have no family near.
Can't you go to a family member or friend for help? Ask I stay with them for a month or so just until you get on your feet again?
well when i say house i dont just mean the physical house itself
everything about it. My children and hers get along mostly very good, which is rare so early on. They always ask for eachother to be around. Its nice having someone to share family moments and parenting with
and yes, for the first time in my life ive been able to raise my children in a place that has things ive never had. like an actual lawn, a place for them to play. nice neighborhood. etc etc
im not materialistic. I was raising them in a pretty bad apartment and while i loved the home i had there, you always want whats best for your kids
I have a son and I would never stay in a unhappy home, it hurts the kids no matter how you try to hide it. I would talk to her and tell her that you're leaving with your girls and you need to save some money for a place to stay. If she cares about you and your girls at all she will understand.
I don't understand why you pay half a mortgage that you don't have your name on? That's not wise and in future don't do that again. You should always have the home in both your names or yours as you have double the responsibility and have no family near.
Can't you go to a family member or friend for help? Ask I stay with them for a month or so just until you get on your feet again?
i can ask my parents for help but none of my family lives within 3 hours, so i dont have a physical place to stay. plus my mom isnt doing well health wise and i dont wanna stress out my dad or mom anymore, especially fiscally
well she bought the house because she wanted to be right near the school for her daughter. I didnt even know if i could move with her at first because my ex wife wanted me to stay closer for the kids sake. its only 30 mins away from where we were living so i was able to convince her it would be ok and it has been (minus more driving for me). She bought the house before even knowing i was going to be moving with her.
she has great credit she can do stuff like that, i cant. I didnt want to be on the house title because it would feel wrong, she put all her inheritance down on it, what right do i have to sign my name to that house? plus what if it was shared? wouldnt that be a bigger mess during a split? only issue is im at the downside of having no place to live if it doesnt work out
well when i say house i dont just mean the physical house itself
everything about it. My children and hers get along mostly very good, which is rare so early on. They always ask for eachother to be around. Its nice having someone to share family moments and parenting with
and yes, for the first time in my life ive been able to raise my children in a place that has things ive never had. like an actual lawn, a place for them to play. nice neighborhood. etc etc
im not materialistic. I was raising them in a pretty bad apartment and while i loved the home i had there, you always want whats best for your kids
If you truly want what is best for your kids, you will want them to have a father with integrity and character.
You may not think you are "materialistic" but you are letting your desire for a house with a yard justify your decision to use someone for what they can provide for you.
And guess what? Your kids are watching.
You reap what you sow Dad - watch out in 20 years.
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