This is What I Get For Being Honest? (men, husband, separate)
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What a selfish insensitive man for trying to protect his feelings and in reality, improving the relationship in the long run.
If this situation was flipped, shed be getting praised for being so "strong" and getting "out in front of the issue." And the guy would be getting roasted for being so insensitive in the past. This site is a white knight female support group, bad place for male advice. More for fun and trying to help out the guys that still ask advice here
Let's look at the situation bluntly: she's going through tough times, and she may be out of work for a while. As a result, she has asked him if he's able to be the main breadwinner til she can get a new job. He said yes, but was honest that he's been burned by her in the past. She cried. He looks like a bad guy.
You clearly overlook his feelings: he's been burned by her behavior before. She got hurt when she brought this up. But she is unwilling to understand he's been hurt by her before. Why should he make up to her for hurting her feelings, while ignoring the fact that she's unwilling to make up for hurting his feelings?
Fair point, a discussion is in order. So what do you think he should do to remedy the misunderstanding and hurt feelings? Should he do nothing and wait for her to come around? Do what someone else suggested and find someone more compatible (after 24 years of marriage)?
What a selfish insensitive man for trying to protect his feelings and in reality, improving the relationship in the long run.
If this situation was flipped, shed be getting praised for being so "strong" and getting "out in front of the issue." And the guy would be getting roasted for being so insensitive in the past. This site is a white knight female support group, bad place for male advice. More for fun and trying to help out the guys that still ask advice here
I have to spread more rep before repping you again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
Fair point, a discussion is in order. So what do you think he should do to remedy the misunderstanding and hurt feelings? Should he do nothing and wait for her to come around? Do what someone else suggested and find someone more compatible (after 24 years of marriage)?
First, he should talk to her about the way she has acted in the past. He should tell her his words may have hurt her now, but her actions have hurt him in the past. They should talk about her behavior in the past and see what she can do to improve it so there isn't a repeat.
Let's look at the situation bluntly: she's going through tough times, and she may be out of work for a while. As a result, she has asked him if he's able to be the main breadwinner til she can get a new job. He said yes, but was honest that he's been burned by her in the past. She cried. He looks like a bad guy.
You clearly overlook his feelings: he's been burned by her behavior before. She got hurt when she brought this up. But she is unwilling to understand he's been hurt by her before. Why should he make up to her for hurting her feelings, while ignoring the fact that she's unwilling to make up for hurting his feelings?
one: its not her issue to deal with two: his hesitation to "want" to help her should have already been taken in to account BEFORE he decided to help her as part of thinking the issue through before any answers where given. three: telling someone you will help them but essentially fully expect them to ********* over isn't going to make anyone very happy in an already unhappy and uncertain situation. its placing assumptions on someone and showing them you do not think of them any different then those who have wronged you. a 24 year old marriage should NOT have these kind of implied trust issues.
Last edited by rego00123; 09-11-2013 at 01:06 PM..
Wow...not only are those who are clearly not married giving their marital "advice" to a guy who's been married for 25+ years, but they fail to see how the fear of losing a job at a company you've devoted 13 years of your life to can be terrifying. His wife has put in a lot of work and effort (OP's words, not mine) to get where she is today. Losing it all due to political back-stabbing is scary as hell.
My advice to the OP (as both a married guy and someone with a career) is to do what others have suggested: Swallow your pride/ego, admit that you didn't express yourself as well as you would have liked, and ask her what SHE needs. Worry about the small stuff later...right now, she needs her husband's SUPPORT, not criticism.
Hopefully this is short and sweet. I have been married for 24 years. My wife is a Sr. V.P. in the company she has worked for since 2000. Lately she has noticed a change in her boss and there seems to be a power struggle behind the scenes to gain more power between the other Sr. V.P.'s in the company. She sensed the writing on the wall and has since put out her resume to start to look elsewhere just in case. In having an honest discussion with her I said that I had no problem covering the financial aspect of her possibly being out of work for as long as it took, but emotionally I don't know what to do. What I meant by that statement was that I felt that no matter what I would try to say or do I will get the "You were not there from me when I needed you the most" woman who cried wolf statement. I say this because in the past when we have gone through difficult times and I've been there for her she manages to find one (very small or insignificant event) that occurred where I didn't do something EXACTLY the way she wanted me to do it. Now mind you this is AFTER she has told me I WAS supportive during that difficult time (usually when things are going ok). I usually get the criticism when she's upset, and that praise for being supportive turns into I left her out in the cold when she needed me the most. So in predicting that this might happen in this situation I had this honest discussion with her and now she feels like SURPRISE if she loses her job she is on her own emotionally. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.
You've been married for 24 years and you still don't know that saying something like that is going to land you in the dog house?
All you needed to say is that you have no problem covering the financial aspect, and that whatever else she needs, she need only ask.
Otherwise, you're talking too much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wuss in Boots
Who says that kind of stuff when she's not lost her job yet? You're a piece of work, yo!
I have to spread more rep before repping you again.
First, he should talk to her about the way she has acted in the past. He should tell her his words may have hurt her now, but her actions have hurt him in the past. They should talk about her behavior in the past and see what she can do to improve it so there isn't a repeat.
Now is not the time for that. The time for addressing that behavior is when it happened. Discussing it now as some sort of preemptive strike to protect his own ego and achey-breaky heart is self-centeredness and self-absorption at its finest. That is not what marriage is about, and I am with the others who are saying it's ridiculous for those who have absolutely no experience with marriage, much less a long one of more than 20 years, to offer up such trite advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440
I do appreciate the advice. In my Wife's defense she is an excellent worker who would not have risen to the title of Sr. V.P. if she wasn't. The play for power has nothing to do with her job performance. She is the only one in the company who got them up to national standards and she was rewarded accordingly.
Reminding her of that will probably go a long way. Showing your faith in her ability and the fact that she will most likely land on her feet if the poop does hit the fan is exactly what she needs. It will show her that you are on her side and also help her keep things in perspective. I mean, she's a senior VP. She must have have drive, talent, experience, and a decent network of contacts.
I disagree with the others OP. You did the right thing by being honest. You truly felt skeptical about helping her. Why lie or pretend as if you don't? You've been burned in the past by her behavior. That's why you brought it up. If you can't bring it up now, when can you bring it up?
There's no way to fix it. It sounds like this woman is the type who doesn't like to claim responsibility for her own actions. No wonder she's losing her job. If she was a good worker then she wouldn't lose her job so easily.
What garbage. Really. Did you even read the OP and the situation she's in? It's political. That happens to executives all the time and has nothing to do with their talent or experience. You don't get to Sr. VP without being a "good worker." In fact, to get to that level, you must be beyond a "good worker." Good workers focus on doing tasks, like ants or worker bees. That's not what executives do. Executives lead the workers.
Who says that kind of stuff when she's not lost her job yet? You're a piece of work, yo!
I get that what I said came off as insensitive. I also get that this type of thing should NOT happen to a couple who have 24 years together. I really did think I was just going to get ahead of a situation BEFORE it occurred. That if I tried to communicate my possible difficulties based on past experiences that it would actually help. I realize that in the end it appears I was just making this about me and leaving my wife out in the cold. When I was younger I was a lot better at this. I didn't stay married for this long without having some skill at having/knowing the right thing to say and not making it about me. Being the Knight in Shining Armor has its drawbacks. Eventually the armor gets dull and when you have taken a lot of hits you sometimes want to do all you can to soften the blow. Especially when you know you might be taking a big hit soon. I'm not trying to justify my actions at all. I'm just trying to explain where I'm coming from.
Now is not the time for that. The time for addressing that behavior is when it happened. Discussing it now as some sort of preemptive strike to protect his own ego and achey-breaky heart is self-centeredness and self-absorption at its finest. That is not what marriage is about, and I am with the others who are saying it's ridiculous for those who have absolutely no experience with marriage, much less a long one of more than 20 years, to offer up such trite advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
What garbage. Really. Did you even read the OP and the situation she's in? It's political. That happens to executives all the time and has nothing to do with their talent or experience. You don't get to Sr. VP without being a "good worker." In fact, to get to that level, you must be beyond a "good worker." Good workers focus on doing tasks, like ants or worker bees. That's not what executives do. Executives lead the workers.
Orphaned.
You're the one who is speaking garbage. You are clearly biased against him. What's the point of posting here if you're definitely going to be biased. What the hell does my age and marital status have anything to do with anything? Would you be asking that if I had agreed with everything you said? No. But because I disagree with you the only way you can get back at me is by discrediting me personally. How childish.
Look at all these personal attacks against the OP: "Discussing it now as some sort of preemptive strike to protect his own ego and achey-breaky heart is self-centeredness and self-absorption at its finest."
Now is the time to talk about his feelings on the matter from the past. The OP clearly feels that way or he wouldn't have brought it up. That's what this whole thread is about. Read the first post. His feelings for his wife's behavior in this type of situation is a huge issue. This is the center of this discussion. Mod cut: Off topic.
Last edited by Keeper; 09-27-2013 at 02:57 PM..
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