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I was married for about 20 years and I need to qualify that so that everything else going forward makes better sense. My marriage was driven by religion. What do I mean by that? Well, back then, I attended a hellfire and brimstone church that taught that having sex outside of marriage was absolutely wrong and that in order to have sex, one had to be married. This is based on some biblical scripture that says it is better to “marry than to burn” (with passion). Well, when I met my ex-wife, yes, we were attracted to each other and yes, sex was inevitable and with the idea that we both believed in the same deity and truly believed this was the magic formula to marital success, we took the plunge at age 25. Frankly, both of us were completely naïve, thinking that “God” would be there to fix all of our problems, should any arise.
It did not take long before the problems started; as compatibility issues began to take hold and these problems were deep and intense. She was basically a woman with lots of pain and demons that were buried under the guise of religion. I believe she too thought church would solve these problems but that never became the case. She was angry, violent and abusive, but keep this in mind --- the church also taught that marriage was forever with NO chance of divorce except prove infidelity. Since I was so grounded in church and dug in more deeply into it believing being loyal to my beliefs would fix my marital problems, I entrenched and invested myself even more into the marriage which led to 4 children (1 boy and 3 girls) over a 7 year period.
In the last few years before the marriage ended, I left religion and without its trappings, I was able to finally see my situation clearly and realized I was in trouble; in a lost, turbulent relationship and needed to get out. The only thing left to settle was our mutual home and just before that was about to be sold, I met my new love. Before the cry of “rebound” enters the picture, I must let you know that I had mentally checked out of my marriage at least 7 years earlier. I just had courage to leave was I was afraid of divine retribution. Even though I was legally married, I was available and ready for another relationship for years, but I just never went after any.
As is the case with me, I told my girlfriend everything up front and there were NO up front deal breakers that killed a fledgling relationship in its infancy. I was also without a job in those days after the economy took a tumble but the promise of a job in New York City (where she lived and where I lived twice before) prompted me to leave Florida (where I had lived for over 20 years) with the prospect of working again. Of course, I left my children, but it got me away from my ex-wife and gave me a chance to reflect and analyze the damage. After arriving in NY the sure-fire job prospect fell apart and with my home sold (in the bad housing market we made practically nothing) and my ex moving into her family’s home with the children, the chance of moving back to Florida was out of the question. I decided to stay with my brother in NY until I could find my way.
My girlfriend was living with her mother because she decided to do so after her brother was shot dead some years earlier and her mother needed the comfort. In addition, she was finishing up her last years of college which she had put on hold earlier because of her brother’s untimely death. I used to visit her and her mother decided she did not like me leaving so late to catch the subway, so she told me I could stay with them (which included my girlfriend’s 2 girls) two until I found my way. I could hardly find a job so I ended up staying with them for almost a year and a half, but on the upside, it allowed my girlfriend and I to really bond and grow together, which (I THOUGHT) it did.
After I got my permanent job, I had to bring one of my daughters up to live with me because she was acting up and with her mother’s temperament, I used to get phone calls all day and all night about the fights. Since my children were always closer to me than they were to their mother, and with me having a new job, I opted to move her to NY and then opted to move out from my girlfriend and move to my father’s and ex-stepmother’s house (in NY) which became available around the same time. A few months later, my other children came to live with me also because of tensions with their mother.
About the same time I left, my girlfriend started to press for her last years of school which presented its share of stress. To make matter worse, when she finally graduated, she was not able to get her degree because of an outstanding balance. She became depressed and just did not want the company at times and so, as not to crowd her and despite my subtle unaggressive push to still see her at times, I honored her requests not to stop by without her permission, as not wanting to crowd her. As a result, we started not seeing each for months at a time, BUT we spoke with each other every day, numerous times, sometimes up to 6 or 7 times or more. In addition, we shared a common “business” so we talked very much and we did meet up from time to time. I constantly reassured her and when we met, I spent most of the conversation expressing my love for her and commenting, kindly, an every visible item I could see from her eyes down to her toes, as well as her clothing and fragrance. There was NEVER a time when she was not told how much she was loved or how much she was appreciated in person, by phone or my some internet means.
Fast forward to the present. In the summer of 2013, her family went to Florida and my children also went to visit their mother after 3 years. She also had her situation corrected in March of 2013 and got a steady job. Right after my children left, I asked my girlfriend if I could come by and she asked me if I could wait until the following weekend, which I did. I then went by again the following weekend after that and this is when her first boyfriend and old flame showed up in her life again after some 20 years. They dated when they around 18 and his family and my girlfriend’s family grew up together. She had told me in the past that he never told her he loved her and she never told him either and he also cheated on her. That was how their relationship ended.
He came back into her life by doing a search for her on FB, but when she did not reply to the message which she did not see for months, he deleted his page. About two weeks later, he was able to track her down via her new job and they began communicating with my blessing because his mother had died a few weeks earlier which supposedly prompted him to look up his old friends to make peace and catch up.
After this, I began to notice that my girlfriend began to act a little distant even with the phone calls, this despite that just a month earlier she was talking about going on vacation with me and having a romantic getaway. She was the one insisting on this. In addition, when the new school year began (she is a teacher) and she now had her own classroom, training was over and she felt more comfortable, I decided to turn on the charm. When I tried to bring flowers by (as surprise) she had to head to another location. When I suggested lunch, she told me she had a dental appointment which turned out to be the following week. When I sent her a test on the day before the hopeful lunch date she said she did not get it and then when the day came for the lunch date, she said she forgot about it. This was a week BEFORE she lowered the boom. This behavior lasted into the next week and then came the end. I received a call from her telling me she was ending the relationship and she stated 4 reasons why; none involving infidelity, bad habits, abuse of my children or her children or other such things. She claimed we barely spent time together even though many times she was the one who made excuses and then she hinted at the fact that I was not with her on the same page in terms of saving money for us to build toward a future together. Keep in mind that her expenses are faaaar less than mine and they are divided between her and her mom. I, on the other hand, have no such help or break. She told me that for TWO years she had not been feeling the relationship and then in the summer, the same summer where she wanted a romantic getaway, her lack of feeling intensified which resulted in her call ONE month after she wanted to have a romantic getaway and a month after two magically intimate moments that she admitted was special before and after this breakup. Note carefully the she was telling me these things AFTER she ended the relationship, not BEFORE or not as clearly and concise to get my attention to work on whatever she think I needed to work on.
Once the shock settled in and the reflection began, I began to analyze the situation. The first question was the most obvious. Right after her old flame came back into the picture, she ends the relationship with me. When pressed further, she told me that she still has strong feelings for him and always did (which I never knew). I asked her if we were a smoking hot item, and he came back into the picture, what would have happened? She told me it would have been difficult. This IMPLIES, I was a sitting duck the minute he came back into the picture, it appears. So, am I the only person with this great suspicion? It should be also be mentioned, her old flame is a civil engineer, unmarried nor does he have a girlfriend and he has two sons; one heading into the army.
Now, let me go back to our relationship. My girlfriend and I admit to each other, to this day, that were are physically attracted to each other. We also admit sexual chemistry. Neither of us drink, per se. Neither of us smoke. We are both agnostics. We are both intellectually acute and eloquent in speech. We both read intensely. We are not into clubs and parties; rather, we are into museums, parks, country sides, walks though the city and photography and we have a common “business” relating to the Virgin Islands which are both very passionate about and where I am from and her ancestry is from. She is quite, soft spoken, not into drama. She is not a phone person and she does not tons of friends so there is no constant yapping on the phone. She stays to herself and not really a touchy, feely person. As for me, I am loyal to my children, taking on a huge responsibility to raise 4 children on my own, with one on the way to college now. I have been loyal to them and her children love me and have received nothing but love from me. In the winter, I am the one out tossing snow balls with them while their mother stays in the warmth of the house. I have never cheated on her despite being away. All I do is take care of my children and talk with and about her and meet with her whenever she is not making excuses. There are people around me who can testify about deep I loved her. 5 years later, I still glow over her. I still get giddy around her and my heart still flutters and was fluttering the day she broke it off so you must know the crushing blow I was hit with.
Now, as for the making time to see each other, I tried, but when she was in that funk I just stayed on the sideline. In fact, what threw me was the fact that “it is her personality” to be aloof, not into overt affection so her “isolationist” persona was consistent with what she told me about herself. The shock was, her mother told me that her daughter was VERY romantic and then my girlfriend told me that she is touchy feely but with the RIGHT person, which implies the obvious which leads to the other obvious question. She told me, despite everything I mentioned above, that we were not compatible. She told me she wanted an aggressive, take charge type person despite showing me that she was the type who preferred space and not crowding. In fact, when I sought to be aggressive with building networks, her complaint was that I liked to “talk too much” instead of finding time to be with her. So, I have to ask if these were “grasp at straws” EXCUSES she is using to justify setting up a relationship with her old flame or were these actual REASONS to end the relationship? Remember, she did not present me with a “talk’ to work on these things. The talk was to tell me we ended AFTER she drew her conclusions; conclusions made without clearly laying out a “things to work on” with me.
As I sit here still in shock, a searing pain in my soul and reflecting, I am wondering if she is just “star struck” at the moment OR is/was she really and truly clear headed when she ended the relationship? This is why I ask were her gripes ‘reasons’ or are they excuses? I am at a loss, confused, hurt, spiraling and just plain old disoriented. I feel like a fool. I feel like a failure and to some, men are not supposed to be whining about things like this and should just “man up” and keep the hurt suppressed. It still hurts and I am sharing this with total strangers as part therapy and part trying to find help to make sense of it all. Her messages are so mixed I have no idea what to think. Oh, and no matter what concessions I offer or no matter how much I stress the love I have for her, she just pushes back with refusal to accept anything, claiming it is too late and she had been feeling "out of it" for 2 years prior.
Lots more could be said, but until the questions are asked, I won’t know what else to say for now.
Thoughts?
Does it matter WHY she dumped you? Only thing you need to know is that she doesn't really love you. That alone should be enough to move on and find somebody worth your time. Good luck. Don't waste another second on the ex.
Lots more could be said, but until the questions are asked, I won’t know what else to say for now.
Thoughts?
I am really sorry to hear about your situation, and am glad you were able to cut ties with your abusive ex-wife. As for this relationship with your ex-girlfriend, it sounds like she was bull*******g you from the start, she had every excuse in the book for not wanting to make any time for you. But it sounds like she had all the time in the world to rekindle with this ex who cheated on her in the past. She got what she deserved this second time around, it seems like they belong together. I believe she has been disloyal to you all along. Accept the loss learn the lesson and move on.
Last edited by scorpioqueen; 09-26-2013 at 12:41 AM..
That's the main reason I have a strong dislike for Christianity. It does too much to keep people from being happy and living life the way they want to. While you need to be intelligent enough to figure this out on your own, some people are just more easily led than others.
Anyways...
Most women are like that. Very emotional in some sense and aren't very clear on their intentions/confused. I'd say she was never 'head over hills' for you, but she was attracted, however combine events that was going on that easily influenced her, it just wasn't going to end well. Again, like with the religion thing, you should have stepped away when your persistance wasn't working on her. If it wasn't going anywhere after a few months, she probably realized that it never was and probably thought you would realize that too, and was trying to be nice in order to protect your feelings until you figured it out on your own.
LOL....this is day 4 of this. Just be glad it was not day 2. You would have gotten a bible. LOL :-)
I will delete this thread.
LOL, there's no reason to delete the thread, even if they let you.
Look, almost everybody goes through this. Unfortunately, your case is not that special. That doesn't lessen the pain, which is terrible, yes.
But you are going to be beyond help till you stop gnawing and obsessing over details.
Get more exercise. Find healthy distractions. I'd say you should see a therapist, but in your case it might be counterproductive because it would just reinforce your habit of over analyzing.
Thanks folks....each day it gets a little better. I mean, as a man, I know we're expected to suck it up and move on, but, as Bob Marley says, "who feels it knows it." Never really felt anything like this before, but I am learning with each passing day. The stupid thing is, living here in NY, when I dated my, now, ex, I used to always see these lovely distractions all over the place but I would keep my eyes and hands to myself. Now she is gone, I have yet to see one "head turner" yet. LOL...Then to make matters worse, in better days, we scoured this city, taking pictures and walking holding hands. I can hardly walk past a location that does not conjure up some memories. Like right now, I am right across the street from Central Park, looking over at a location where we used to sit and have lunch. Just friggin' great! Anyone want to send for me so I can get away for a while?
I thank all of you for your advice. Thanks for not beating up me too much because I know this is the kind of stuff that can be fodder for the wannabe comedians. I am trying to hold up and I know I will. I know it is a lesson to be learned and I know in the end it will be for the best for both her and I HOPE, her. I know the anger phase is still to come and I just hope I don't fall into an obsession with wishing this guy beats the crap out of her so I can feel some sense of "peace" because that is just sickening. I'm not that vengeful.
So, anyone (preferably female) living in a cabin in the shadow of the Swiss Alps that could use some company? Maybe I should go and try to climb Everest instead. Hmm...
Does it matter WHY she dumped you? Only thing you need to know is that she doesn't really love you. That alone should be enough to move on and find somebody worth your time. Good luck. Don't waste another second on the ex.
LOL, there's no reason to delete the thread, even if they let you.
Look, almost everybody goes through this. Unfortunately, your case is not that special. That doesn't lessen the pain, which is terrible, yes.
But you are going to be beyond help till you stop gnawing and obsessing over details.
Get more exercise. Find healthy distractions. I'd say you should see a therapist, but in your case it might be counterproductive because it would just reinforce your habit of over analyzing.
Learn to meditate.
Thanks Ellie. I am getting there.
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