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Marriage is a legal instrument. The human heart, not so much. There is no legal reason for this guy ever to marry again! Been there, done that, in other words. Does that mean that his new flame should run away screaming? It all depends, of course. What does she want? Marriage and babies like wife #1 got? Hmmmm. 40 y.o. and a small child... he hasn't finished his first helping of reality yet, it doesn't sound like he is ready for seconds yet. Just saying. OTOH, my SO and I have been together 8 years without a marriage certificate. Both of us have been married in the past. I have children, she does not. When we met it was probably possible for her to get pregnant but it wouldn't have made much sense for me to bring yet another child into the world. So we didn't and now it is quite a moot issue. She hasn't had a period in years. We might get married legally one day but it is not going to make either of us love the other more... or less. I SMH when I see these chick flicks where some guy proposes to some woman that he hasn't even kissed based on a weekend adventure in which they are pursued by rogue NSA operatives thereby cementing a romantic bond that began tenuously because she saw him texting someone he had just had a one night stand with. I mean... <smack!!!> ... why can't Americans get it through their noggins that you don't have to marry every woman (or man) who is still in your bed the next morning... or worse... propose marriage to someone you don't even know because you want them to wake up in your bed tomorrow morning!! Why can't adults over 30 act like it and navigate issues of attraction, sexuality and cohabitation without front loading the issue with marriage??
They are not dating yet. He is just very interested to get to know her better. Flirty.
It is all just hypothetical at this point.
In that case, I don't see any reason they shouldn't date, but I would suggest to her to be cautious, eyes wide open. Her role is not to be an emotional crutch for him, he shouldn't need her to support him resolving his issues/feelings from his marriage. That's what friends, family, priests, therapists are for, not new love interests.
She needs to be on the lookout for signs of over-dependency, neediness, the dating/relationship moving too quickly for the length of time they've been together and how well they know each other, someone who isn't strong and healthy in their own mind and secure in themselves. I don't want to date someone who is a project that needs to be worked on.
The ring and marriage and money is not the issue here.
My friend is worried to waste her time with somebody who just comes out of a longterm marriage and isn't ready for a committed relationship, that MIGHT result in marriage.
The ring and marriage and money is not the issue here.
My friend is worried to waste her time with somebody who just comes out of a longterm marriage and isn't ready for a committed relationship, that MIGHT result in marriage.
If she has reservations before going on a date, maybe she shouldn't. However, part of dating is getting to know someone to see if there's any potential for a relationship, and she can't know that unless she tries.
I don't consider dating a waste of time because it's the process you go through to find the right person for you. It's only a waste of time if you know it's not going to work but you are afraid to let go (for whatever reason).
Edited to add: How long ago did he and his wife split up?
She should definately be cautious. if he is always needing to vent and talk about his ex, that could be a red flag. Of course, it is early on so he has a lot of emotional healing to do in order to move on.
My wife had a previous, failed marriage. (In short, a guy married her for citizenship, conned her into thinking he loved her, then one the ink was dry he treated her like garbage, was cheating, living off her... I could go on and on).
Anyway, I knew my wife for about a year and a half before we started romantically dating. Early on, she did have a need to vent and heal from the horrible marriage she had just ended. As time on, that reduced, and allowed her to regain confidence. Until it happened, she was in no place to be emotionally giving in any relationship.
These days, she is a terrific and loving wife. She rarely speaks of her past marriage, and admits that now it seems more like a bad dream than anything that really happened. She has healed remarkably well.
Your friend should know that this guy could heal too. It just is going to take time. He needs to vent, and work through it eternally. Until he does, it is going to be difficult for him to really focus on her and be emotionally giving towards her.
So she should be careful. She needs to really protect her heart! This guy could go either way at this stage. That does not mean she should run. Just keep herself from becoming too emotionally invested until she can see him regain confidence and be able to focus on her, and not need to keep bringing up the past baggage.
He is highly flirting with my friend but hasn't tried anything yet. He said, he wants to get to know her better. Which is great. So they hang out in a group of people and also exchange texts. This is going on since 3 weeks.
My friend is just not sure if she should pull back a little, less flirting, giving it/him more time on a friendly basis. Or if she should just let it happen when he tries to kiss her. So far, she hasn't even been alone with him very much. Only once, when he explained his situation to her. He also said, for financial reasons, he will stay married for a bit longer (didnt indicate a timeframe).
He seems very honest. Doesn't talk bad about his wife, and seems to be a good person. He doesn't come out of a bad relationship. He said, they just drifted apart, she lost interest in him. Then they had the baby and he was completely out of the picture for her. It was all about the child and he was just a bystander. He wants more out of a marriage.
I am not sure but I think, since they didn't split up in anger, they spent Thanksgiving together. Not sure. I also don't know if his whole family knows yet. All I know is that he is not in a hurry to get divorced and he was honest about it, not giving my friend false hope that he will be divorced soon. Which is okay for my friend.
The ring and marriage and money is not the issue here.
My friend is worried to waste her time with somebody who just comes out of a longterm marriage and isn't ready for a committed relationship, that MIGHT result in marriage.
He is highly flirting with my friend but hasn't tried anything yet. He said, he wants to get to know her better. Which is great. So they hang out in a group of people and also exchange texts. This is going on since 3 weeks.
My friend is just not sure if she should pull back a little, less flirting, giving it/him more time on a friendly basis. Or if she should just let it happen when he tries to kiss her. So far, she hasn't even been alone with him very much. Only once, when he explained his situation to her. He also said, for financial reasons, he will stay married for a bit longer (didnt indicate a timeframe).
He seems very honest. Doesn't talk bad about his wife, and seems to be a good person.
Now that to me would be a big red flag.... enough that I would want to keep it more in the "friend zone" and scale back the flirtiness. Be a friend if he is still interested, but keep getting too involved for if and when he decides he no longer wants to be married to her. Regardless of the reasoning why.
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