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I had no idea where to post this--- General Moving, Relationships, Real Estate, or even Economics or Psychology? It involves all of it to some extent.
My husband and I are (were?) going to move out of state in Spring. My plan was to sell our house, live in The New City for a year or so, then buy a house in New City. I have been considering moving to New City for 10 years now!! Finally I feel ready and motivated, and my tolerance for Old City is diminishing rapidly. I hate Old City and want to move ASAP. My husband seemed agreeable to this move. I've asked him several times if he feels good about it, he has said yes.
So last night I explain my desired timeline, the dates in which I want things completed, i.e. cleaning out house, starting to make small repairs, officially putting house on market, etc. I asked if the timeline is OK with him, essentially, are we on the same page with this?
Well he kinda dropped a bomb on me. He said he wants to put more money into the house (than I'd originally suggested) and do the work himself. (He's a retired plumber/contractor and knows many people in construction.) I was flabbergasted because I have no desire to stick around for any re-models, in fact I've told my husband (who is a feet draggin' procrastinator) that *I* am moving in Spring come hell or high water. He suggested that I move without him while he works on the house.
His arguments for his plan are:
1. The Bay Area real estate market is really heating up, so why not try to get more $$ while things are bubbling (or whatever the term is I don't know?) He thinks we will be missing out on A LOT of money if we don't put more money into it.
2. I can't even think of another argument.
My arguments for leaving without doing these huge projects are:
1. I'm done with this house, lived in it most of my life with the exception of maybe 7 years total on my own. I don't want to see it, deal with it, stay in it or think about it any longer than I have to. Too many memories, it's really really emotional for me to leave and I want to "pull that band-aid off fast."
2. Moving is stressful enough. Why add a house re-model on top of it? Overwhelming and will take much longer than I'm willing to tolerate.
3. Not enough money for everything he wants to do. He suggested taking out a loan.
4. I'll be looking for work once I get to New City. Until I get a job there, I need that house $ to tide me over until I can get steady income going. Plus how can I apply for an apartment if the landlord checks my credit and sees I have this huge loan out and no job yet?!
What I'm willing to do on the house (which I think is fairly reasonable IMO):
new roof (doesn't need it just yet but it has been ages since it was done, maybe 20 years?)
new carpet (it smells and is stained)
new heating system (old one is leaking, causes astronomical heating costs)
touch-up paint inside and out
re-grout tile in bathroom
small things like replacing the ugliest 1970s light fixtures
What he wants to do in addition to my list:
Re-model 2 bathrooms, 1 of them with different layout
Re-model the kitchen with completely different layout, add bay windows and some wacky pass bar
Make the downstairs in-law unit livable and legal (It was put in illegally by my grandfather. Our city codes are strict however--to make it legal is fairly involved.) It's kinda trashed from our previous tenant too.
New garage doors (As opposed to re-painting them. Paint is peeling because the guy I hired 7 years ago did a ****ty job.)
Install hardwood flooring
My options all seem unappealing too:
1. Go ahead and move and let him figure out all this by himself.
2. Stay and oversee all this stressful ****. (Snowball's chance in hell of this happening.)
3. Tell him it's my house and he needs to let me have the final say. A jerk move that will probably wreck my marriage.
4. Secretly hope that a realtor or someone professional tells us it's not worth it. (I like this one! My current plan!!)
I recognize I'm being a bit emotional about the whole thing. I'm obviously too close to the situation to see it clearly. Please someone help me put this in perspective.
I would consult a realtor or possibly an appraiser to find out dollars And cents wise if it is worth it. Doing the math would tell you if it is worth it
Real estate is such a gamble that often sinking money into renovations doesn't increase the value enough to make it worthwhile
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It sounds like he wants to stick around that house a lot for some reason. Consult with a realtor because put all that money in there is a no-no. It's probably worth getting exact numbers and usually, people prefer doing their kitchens, master bedrooms and bathrooms their way. So stick with the basics AND bribe the realtor with a dinner and so on so they can tilt things towards your perspective and emphasize that to your husband!
My husband and I are (were?) going to move out of state in Spring.
My plan was to sell our house, live in The New City for a year or so, then buy a house in New City.
My husband seemed agreeable to this move.
I've asked him several times if he feels good about it, he has said yes.
What I'm willing to do on the house (which I think is fairly reasonable IMO):
new roof (doesn't need it just yet but it has been ages since it was done, maybe 20 years?)
new carpet (it smells and is stained)
new heating system (old one is leaking, causes astronomical heating costs)
touch-up paint inside and out
re-grout tile in bathroom
small things like replacing the ugliest 1970s light fixtures
Well he kinda dropped a bomb on me.
I was flabbergasted because I have no desire to stick around for any re-models
What he wants to do in addition to my list:
New garage doors...
Make the downstairs in-law unit livable and legal...
Re-model 2 bathrooms, 1 of them with different layout
Re-model the kitchen with completely different layout, add bay windows and some wacky pass bar
My options all seem unappealing too:
4. Secretly hope that a realtor or someone professional tells us it's not worth it.
(I like this one! My current plan!!)
Go with that plan.
Sorting out the albatross of that illegal MIL apartment remodel and doing an actually warranted kitchen or bathroom updating, even with flooring, appliances and fixtures (not the floorplan or wall changes though) may be more important to be done in advance of selling than the far more straightforward roof or HVAC equipment replacement
(both of which can be hired done in a couple of days if/when a negotiation with a buyer calls calls for it).
Bring in the professionals to appraise "as is" condition and get the comps for similar homes in the area
with updating done. KNOW the choices and their costs.
Then get professional estimates for the work... because of the time required.
(iow the retired plumber/contractor who knows many people may be the worst choice)
Then decide on the jobs and projects list:
breadth, depth, timeline to complete, sequence and who does which work.
Last edited by MrRational; 12-10-2013 at 07:00 AM..
Toni,
I agree with other poster, your hubby doesn't want to move.
Looks like he is setting up reasons to stay there longer.
If he wanted to move, he would go with your original plan.
I think you have to emphasize to him how much you really want to
move and you want to move in Spring.
It's hard being married, sometimes you really miss the independence of
being able to make a decision and just do it, without having all the BS that
comes along with trying to convince another person to go along with you.
Stick to your guns, he will come around.
If not, in the end, you could always move without him.
He will miss you, and end up going along with the program. LOL!
Let him do what he wants. Or tell him to move out and file for divorce.
Some things are pretty black and white.
Sadly, yes.
In the winter of...2008? I had had ENOUGH of the snow and cold. I was at my breaking point. My then-husband was on board. We started researching places to move to, and decided Austin might be a good fit for us. I did all kinds of extra research, and started planning a trip there to check out housing. The ex PROMISED he was ready and I started to feel hopeful for the first time that I would get away from winter.
Well, when it came right down to the dates I wanted to schedule the trip, he said something like "Oh, I wasn't serious, I don't want to move. I like my job, etc"
Honestly, that was kind of the beginning of the end of our relationship. Sometimes that is just how it goes.
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My posts as moderator will be in red.
If that's the case, you'll need to determine the real reason why. Some people just don't like change. Perhaps he doesn't like the New City. In other cases, one spouse was having an affair or contemplating one and a move would've destroyed that opportunity.
I suggest you talk to a few real estate agents to get an idea of sale value. Also maybe a professional appraisal. Generally I would say major remodels for selling purposes do not pay off.
At least with all the information you two might narrow in on the real differences as in maybe he does not want to move no matter what. Worst case back to square one but at least with more facts.
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