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It makes the most sense when you put it this way, from the bits I can put together and her even once saying she gave her virginity to a guy that didn't even care for
her and that she was a stupid girl.
I honestly feel had that I might be putting her through more and making things harder. I can try to suppress my sexual desire towards her but I worry that could be just as bad.
I think you should verbally express your desire. Say you feel that way because you love her and reassure her that she is good in bed and you love having sex with her. (Otherwise you wouldn't want her so much, right?) It will take her a while to believe it but she will come around. You just have to keep positively reinforcing it when she does sleep with you.
It seems to me that her biggest fear is being inadequate. Maybe she's afraid she will disappoint you in bed and then you'll decide you don't want to be with her anymore. She is stressed when she has sex and that's why she doesn't want to do it too often...it's part of her insecurity, and not necessarily pleasurable. (Maybe physically, but not emotionally fulfilling)
It's up to you if you have the patience to work through it. It seems like you do really care for her.
It's her values, her expectations for her future, her hormones, her emotional immaturity, her sense of self.
It's a VERY complicated issue. You grow up with all this presumption and conjecture about virginity and its worth.
So once it's "gone," what then? If the circumstances weren't what you'd hoped for, how do you reconcile that?
She is just dealing with the fallout, and I think she will for a while.
I see what you mean. I'm not a girl obviously and things for us guys are a little more simple. I wish I could take it all back for her and fix it but know I can't. She's also very immature in how she handles conversations or arguments. She usually just pouts and doesn't know how to talk things out. We've improved on our communication but its still getting there.
I just hope she can figure all of this out eventually not for me but just for herself so she can get pleasure out of all the things she's learned to hate
I think you should verbally express your desire. Say you feel that way because you love her and reassure her that she is good in bed and you love having sex with her. (Otherwise you wouldn't want her so much, right?) It will take her a while to believe it but she will come around. You just have to keep positively reinforcing it when she does sleep with you.
It seems to me that her biggest fear is being inadequate. Maybe she's afraid she will disappoint you in bed and then you'll decide you don't want to be with her anymore. She is stressed when she has sex and that's why she doesn't want to do it too often...it's part of her insecurity, and not necessarily pleasurable. (Maybe physically, but not emotionally fulfilling)
It's up to you if you have the patience to work through it. It seems like you do really care for her.
I've def been reinforcing these things for a while now and I think it has helped her. It's just I've built her up so much she should know how much I'm attracted to her. I wish she could make me feel the same tho.
Do you think counseling can help speed the process up on stuff like this?
I think you need to simply take marriage off the table for at least a year. Work on being a good partner to each other, without the pressure of marriage on either side. If you can't get things worked out in a year, then marriage isnt in the cards for you. No ultimatums, and no pressure to marriage. Tell her that, tell her you arent ready for marriage right now, and won't even consider it for another year. That should back her off, and take the pressure off of you. Then you can just work on a good relationship.
I think you need to simply take marriage off the table for at least a year. Work on being a good partner to each other, without the pressure of marriage on either side. If you can't get things worked out in a year, then marriage isnt in the cards for you. No ultimatums, and no pressure to marriage. Tell her that, tell her you arent ready for marriage right now, and won't even consider it for another year. That should back her off, and take the pressure off of you. Then you can just work on a good relationship.
That marriage pressure is a relationship killer.
I haven't thought of laying it out that way and think its a good idea. I'm out of town for the weekend so I'm thinking ill sit down and we'll talk about everything and ill tell her this is what I think we should do. I could see her getting upset but it'll probably be best to stick to it and she'll adjust and it'll relieve pressure on both of us. I could see this also pushing her away in a sense but I guess it it's meant to be it'll work. Thanks for the good idea.
Gotcha, patience is best in a situation like this.
W4L, what would you do in my situation, honestly?
Communication is key, and it sounds like you've been doing that. However, the goal behind your communication is important, too, as I've said before.
The thing is that all relationships require compromise.
Sex can cloud other issues. As unpopular as it might seem, you may need to take a break from sex and focus on what is really happening that affects the two of you in the bedroom.
It would also be a good time to find a couples counselor.
Here it is: As you know, you are at a scary place right now, and a bit over your head. You clearly love her very much. In your situation, I would resolve to proceed with support, and encourage her to go to counseling, knowing that you may never have the relationship you are envisioning, and willing to walk away if it turns out that way.
DO NOT get married until/unless you get this issue ironed out.
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