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Now that I'm pushing 40 (a few years away yet) and have been through the wringer a couple of times in my life, I've found that it's an obstacle to me romantically speaking when I meet someone who has reached my age or older without ever having dealt with anything truly awful.
I'm seeing a guy who is about a decade older than me right now who is immensely successful as well as being terribly kind, intelligent and witty. He lives very modestly despite being pretty wealthy, and I really admire that. He is well-educated and has worked very hard in his life. We have a lot of values and opinions in common. I like him a lot, but...
It's taken me a few dates, but I finally understand what makes me uneasy about him: I have seen no indication that he has ever faced a serious struggle or setback in his life. This is a guy who has never had his back against the wall. He's accomplished a lot, but he seems like he's never made a serious mistake, never had his world collapse and need to be rebuilt, never had anything that truly matters hanging in the balance. He is brilliant, terrifyingly rational and from a comfortable background, and it doesn't seem like life has thrown him any serious curveballs.
He is actually very empathetic, but it seems like it comes from a more intellectual part of his brain than from emotion or personal experience. Based on some things he's said, I feel like he doesn't really understand how human frailty works.
I've led a pretty good life with a lot of advantages, and I'm very happy with the life I have now. But I've also had some fairly dark periods in my life. There have been times when I have just bumbled through, and times I've pushed myself past my limitations. I've told him about some of those things, and he seems on one level to be impressed by how I handled things but on another level he seems totally mystified by some of my life experiences, as if they didn't even seem real to him or weren't things he could identify with at all.
(Yes, I know things are still in early stages, and I will be probing this subject a bit more with him. But so far there have been no indications whatsoever that there's ever been anything more than some vaguely unpleasant bumps in the road.)
So I'm wondering if it's just me who thinks like this. Could you build a relationship with someone who has reached a certain age and never been truly tested or never dealt with major hardship or loss?
Just because you "feel" he has not survived anything life shattering does not mean he hasn't, it purely means you don't know if he has or not.
However, when you are discussing someone who is a great guy (from your words) and you add the "but", it is time to move on and quit wasting his time.
Just because you "feel" he has not survived anything life shattering does not mean he hasn't, it purely means you don't know if he has or not.
However, when you are discussing someone who is a great guy (from your words) and you add the "but", it is time to move on and quit wasting his time.
Wow.
I did not realize that one was not allowed to have any "buts" when dating and that all romances must spring fully formed from the first date.
Well, according to a previous poster, me just enjoying myself and seeing where it goes is "wasting" his time since I don't instantly think he's perfect for me.
But I think it's a worthy discussion point. I don't think someone has to be "crushed into dust" as another poster put it, nor do I think someone has to have baggage. Not all bad experiences result in baggage, for one thing.
I know one person whose first reaction to any challenge in life is to run and hide. I have another person in my life I'm watching flop and flounder through their own latest mess with as much drama as they can muster with every step. And still another person I know will disappear into a bottle whenever stuff goes wonky. I think how someone addresses challenges is a legitimate question when you're contemplating a relationship.
Well, according to a previous poster, me just enjoying myself and seeing where it goes is "wasting" his time since I don't instantly think he's perfect for me.
But I think it's a worthy discussion point. I don't think someone has to be "crushed into dust" as another poster put it, nor do I think someone has to have baggage. Not all bad experiences result in baggage, for one thing.
I know one person whose first reaction to any challenge in life is to run and hide. I have another person in my life I'm watching flop and flounder through their own latest mess with as much drama as they can muster with every step. And still another person I know will disappear into a bottle whenever stuff goes wonky. I think how someone addresses challenges is a legitimate question when you're contemplating a relationship.
Well, judging from the premise of this post, it won't be long before the first problem comes up, because you're almost sure to make one. In fact, you're trying to invent one out of nothing.
So I'm wondering if it's just me who thinks like this. Could you build a relationship with someone who has reached a certain age and never been truly tested or never dealt with major hardship or loss?
Everyone is different I guess. I wouldn't wish baggage on anyone of begrudge their good fortune in life. I certainly wouldn't want someone to go though a lot of the things I've gone though. I hide those scars, but they run deep. I don't see not having experienced major setbacks as a bad thing. Honestly, I envy people like that.
many people see me like you see your SO. i dropped out of college twice and it took me 3 extra years to graduate (25) i had a lot of issues to work out at the time so that was my "test". i never talk about it to most people but it definitely shaped who i am today and why i conduct myself the way i do. i also learned a helluva lot from that experience. yet many see me like you see your SO
everyone has life tests and life tests are different for everyone. if you don't realize this you may be apt to turn this into a competition or play the martyr role with this if you start fighting
Well, judging from the premise of this post, it won't be long before the first problem comes up, because you're almost sure to make one. In fact, you're trying to invent one out of nothing.
Then you'll know how he handles problems.
Maybe I have a more hard-line view of things. But I don't think some minor relationship tiff with someone you just started dating hardly constitutes a life altering problem at all. When I think "tested by life" I think having to watched loved ones die in front of your eyes, losing half of your immediate family to death, your marriage breaking up--as your husband leaves you, a child coming down with a major illness, growing up poor, growing up in a 3rd world country, etc. Not minor stuff like being unemployed for a while or a casual relationship breaking up.
People like this often do face and overcome problems in their business and personal lives that would make most of us mortals wilt for life, but they just take it in stride. It's a positive trait. I have such a friend, a well-educated guy and former prep school room-mate, who went from being a ski-bum to the CEO of a reasonably large multinational chemical company. He was always a positive, kind of happy-go-lucky guy, who didn't know the word defeat. We lost track of each other for a long time, but when we reconnected last year, his personality hadn't changed at all, but his fortune had. He cheerfully told me anecdotal stories about buyouts, recessions and Chinese cyber attacks (on his way from working his way up from the loading dock to CEO) that would have brought me to a crawl, if not a standstill. I really admire him.
I know one person whose first reaction to any challenge in life is to run and hide. I have another person in my life I'm watching flop and flounder through their own latest mess with as much drama as they can muster with every step. And still another person I know will disappear into a bottle whenever stuff goes wonky. I think how someone addresses challenges is a legitimate question when you're contemplating a relationship.
The question is not how he handled defeats, but how he thinks he handled victories. Does he think his current position in life is the result solely of his own awesomeness, or does he give credit to others?
If he knows that others have had a hand in his success and that others can be called upon for support, then he won't crumble in that moment when his own "awesomeness" proves insufficient. He'll call on someone, who could well be you.
My wife has a life of far worse horror stories than mine, and the psychological "limp" that she walks with has caused problems in our marriage...so one has to be careful consider a psychological limp for what it is: A handicap, not a badge of honor.
I've got my own psychological limps, and I have to be careful to remember that my wife is not the one who wounded me.
So it's not a bad thing to have a partner who has never been wounded. One state can be as bad as the other. It's a matter of what the person has learned from both blessings and hardships.
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