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Everyone is different I guess. I wouldn't wish baggage on anyone of begrudge their good fortune in life. I certainly wouldn't want someone to go though a lot of the things I've gone though. I hide those scars, but they run deep. I don't see not having experienced major setbacks as a bad thing. Honestly, I envy people like that.
I am quoting myself!
Someone mentioned to me privately that they envied people like that too, but couldn't stand "happy go lucky" types. It was a nice sentiment, I'll give it that. But out of fairness, I think I should note, I AM a happy go lucky type. If the stuff I've faced in my life has taught me anything it's that life if short and I don't want to waste it being miserable.
Well, judging from the premise of this post, it won't be long before the first problem comes up, because you're almost sure to make one. In fact, you're trying to invent one out of nothing.
Then you'll know how he handles problems.
Explain to me how wondering about an aspect of someone's personality or past is "inventing" a problem, please.
I raised a discussion point because I'm curious how other people view the subject. But so far all I've gotten are accusations that I'm sabotaging a potential, instructions to dump the guy immediately and suggestions that baggage is a requirement.
The implication from the responses I've gotten so far is that one must never have any doubts or concerns early on in a relationship and that one should just charge in based on blind faith. Oh, and that having successfully negotiated major setbacks/challenges and wondering if it is important to have a partner who has done the same is basically unforgivable.
Amusingly, I seem to be being accused of being a drama queen by... drama queens.
The question is not how he handled defeats, but how he thinks he handled victories. Does he think his current position in life is the result solely of his own awesomeness, or does he give credit to others?
If he knows that others have had a hand in his success and that others can be called upon for support, then he won't crumble in that moment when his own "awesomeness" proves insufficient. He'll call on someone, who could well be you.
My wife has a life of far worse horror stories than mine, and the psychological "limp" that she walks with has caused problems in our marriage...so one has to be careful consider a psychological limp for what it is: A handicap, not a badge of honor.
I've got my own psychological limps, and I have to be careful to remember that my wife is not the one who wounded me.
So it's not a bad thing to have a partner who has never been wounded. One state can be as bad as the other. It's a matter of what the person has learned from both blessings and hardships.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I get this. I appreciate people that have had losses and came back. I admire it. I lost almost everything (except my education) in my late 20s and it definitely has made me stronger, and when I try to date someone that has led a "perfect" life without ever messing up or gone down a wrong path, I have trouble relating. It may not make sense, but it is true. Sometimes it is not apparent (or they don't want to share) that they had a dark period, sometimes they were just fortunate, other times it is because they played life very safe and never took risks or cut loose. Makes a big difference and those differences are rarely obvious.
Someone mentioned to me privately that they envied people like that too, but couldn't stand "happy go lucky" types. It was a nice sentiment, I'll give it that. But out of fairness, I think I should note, I AM a happy go lucky type. If the stuff I've faced in my life has taught me anything it's that life if short and I don't want to waste it being miserable.
Yes, this has always been my philosophy. I definitely tilt happy-go-lucky. I think when you have faced some awful stuff sometimes, it makes you more determined to enjoy the good times.
Explain to me how wondering about an aspect of someone's personality or past is "inventing" a problem, please.
I raised a discussion point because I'm curious how other people view the subject. But so far all I've gotten are accusations that I'm sabotaging a potential, instructions to dump the guy immediately and suggestions that baggage is a requirement.
The implication from the responses I've gotten so far is that one must never have any doubts or concerns early on in a relationship and that one should just charge in based on blind faith. Oh, and that having successfully negotiated major setbacks/challenges and wondering if it is important to have a partner who has done the same is basically unforgivable.
Amusingly, I seem to be being accused of being a drama queen by... drama queens.
It's fine to have doubts and concerns, when there's some substance to them. In my opinion, this doesn't rise to that level.
A drama queen is exactly what you're coming off as. Read your post again, you're concerned because there is no drama.
Maybe that's a bit harsh, but at the very least, you're WAY overthinking things.
Explain to me how wondering about an aspect of someone's personality or past is "inventing" a problem, please.
I raised a discussion point because I'm curious how other people view the subject. But so far all I've gotten are accusations that I'm sabotaging a potential, instructions to dump the guy immediately and suggestions that baggage is a requirement.
The implication from the responses I've gotten so far is that one must never have any doubts or concerns early on in a relationship and that one should just charge in based on blind faith. Oh, and that having successfully negotiated major setbacks/challenges and wondering if it is important to have a partner who has done the same is basically unforgivable.
Amusingly, I seem to be being accused of being a drama queen by... drama queens.
I always say if you have doubts, to trust your gut. (Advice I, myself, fail to follow WAY too much).
I also don't think you are being unreasonable if it's important for you that someone has been "tested in life." I just was answering the question of if it mattered to me, personally. I don't see your preference to be any different than a number of other preferences people have... like a woman has to have a "low number" or that a man must earn a certain amount of money, or even the person you are dating needs to be the same religion as you, or the same culture, or you prefer people with X attribute.
People like this often do face and overcome problems in their business and personal lives that would make most of us mortals wilt for life, but they just take it in stride. It's a positive trait. I have such a friend, a well-educated guy and former prep school room-mate, who went from being a ski-bum to the CEO of a reasonably large multinational chemical company. He was always a positive, kind of happy-go-lucky guy, who didn't know the word defeat. We lost track of each other for a long time, but when we reconnected last year, his personality hadn't changed at all, but his fortune had. He cheerfully told me anecdotal stories about buyouts, recessions and Chinese cyber attacks (on his way from working his way up from the loading dock to CEO) that would have brought me to a crawl, if not a standstill. I really admire him.
I have been wondering about this. I know he has faced many professional challenges despite his success. I think he kind of relishes them.
On a personal level, I can relate somewhat to what you are saying. It's easier for me to talk to people who have had to overcome hurdles in their life than to talk to those who life appears to have been effortless. However, as someone pointed out, this person may not exhibit signs of any trials they may have had to overcome in life. Personalities can be drastically varied from person to person. And even if this person did battle dark periods in life, his battles may have seemed trivial compared to yours, but seemingly insurmountable to him, and so your views are both skewed.
I would suggest to not make the issue of life trials any sort of criteria to base a relationship on to begin with. Life is a journey, and as with any problem a person faces, at most we manage to get through it, and gain from the knowledge of the adversity we overcome. It isn't healthy behavior to cling to the past, either. So as someone suggested, enjoy the relationship as it stands, for now, and see how it progresses.
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