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Say you had a close friend, and you and this particular person had either been friends for a long time, or friends for a long enough time where you felt "close" to that person. Eventually you develop feelings for that person, and you find yourself feeling bothered if they date others, or talk to others, or talk about attractive members of the opposite sex. But you keep it to yourself. Then you realize that as much as you want to keep the friendship, it's becoming conflicting and almost "torture" to remain friends when you clearly feel more. You tell the person how you feel, he/she is not interested in you in that way, or is not as interested as you are. Would you stay friends with that person--despite how much you feel, the torture that eats up at you when that person dates other or rejects you, OR do you end this great solid friendship because you just can't deal with your feelings and being rejected?
My sister is in this situation. She had this friend in college(male friend) that she became very close with. After college they remained in touch, and resided in the same city. He talked about other girls in front of her, had a gf, and dated. She had feelings for him, and eventually realized that she was becoming jealous and hurt when he dated or talked to other women. She constantly had this feeling of "not good enough" because it was clear he was not interested in her in that "way", and she didn't understand why. Especially since they were close. Eventually she told him how she felt(knowing that based on his interactions with her, he probably didn't feel the same) and he of course told her that he didn't have feelings for her in that way, and that even if he did, he just wanted to date around and have fun. So heartbroken, she tried to remain friends with him. But kept her distance(i.e. not hanging out as much, texting as much, etc). It worked at first, but still she would feel hurt when he dated others, and she still couldn't hang out with him, without feeling bad about herself, or feeling that attraction to him.
So yesterday she finally "ended" their 6 year friendship. She basically sent him a long email explaining to him that at this point she could no longer be his friend because of her feelings for him, and the hurt it was causing her, etc. She told him she would no longer respond to his text, calls, instant messages, would defriend him from facebook, etc. And that she hoped he would respect that, and understand. She did say, that she would like to pick up the friendship when she is sure her feelings for him are nonexistant(if that ever happens) and that she would reach out to him eventually if that is the case.
He responded this afternoon to the email basically telling her that it was wrong to just cut contact and stop their friendship after they had been friends for so long. And basically in many words felt that they shouldn't end the friendship on the permanent basis. On the other hand, he did say he understood and that he was sorry he didn't feel the same way, and that he would abide by her wishes and not contact her anymore. She is now questioning if it was the right move?
What do you guys think?
I think it is. But I know people, personally who have remained friends with those that they love(even) and just kept their feelings at bay, or just dealt with the hurt and pain and jealousy because they wanted to stay friends. Or men who remain in the friend-zone hoping that the girl will eventually like them.
To me that's almost like torture. But for others, the friendship is worth it.
If you were in this situation what would you do?
I think she did the right thing by temporarily ending their friendship. Clearly, she has a major jealousy problem, and going no contact will possibly help her deal with it.
I think she did the right thing by temporarily ending their friendship. Clearly, she has a major jealousy problem, and going no contact will possibly help her deal with it.
Jealousy? It's deeper than that. She basically for all intent and purposes fell in love with him. And he did not feel the same. Sure she was jealous of him dating other women, etc. But more than that she felt bad because he did not feel the same and it hurt her...It was basically like she was having to fake the fact that she was "okay" with just being a friend and she wasn't. In other words she was not able to put her feelings aside and just be happy with their status quo.
I agree, though, that no contact is definitely the right approach. Though it may not be temporary... She wants it to be a temporary cut off, but if she still feels the same about him, then she just won't talk to him ever again...
This is typically something that happens to men more than women, though it can happen to women on occasion. But more commonly, the man will hook up with the woman, date her for a while and then end it.
In any case, I've been through it a number of times. You cut contact until you are over that person. In one case it took me a few months and I reconnected with her. In another case, I'm still not completely over it. I'm pretty sure I'd still be hurt if I saw her with someone else.
Also, it's very immature to try and hang on when the other person wants to cut contact. One woman almost played with me and made me think she had some interest. She kept drawing my feelings back into it. That was really bad.
When somebody has feelings for you and you don't feel the same, you leave them the f@ck alone until THEY say they are ready to reconnect. Maybe you can send them 'friendly' texts every now and then, but that's it. You owe them that much.
These are the times when I know hating people isn't wrong.
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It's deeper than that. She basically for all intent and purposes fell in love with him. And he did not feel the same. Sure she was jealous of him dating other women, etc. But more than that she felt bad because he did not feel the same and it hurt her...It was basically like she was having to fake the fact that she was "okay" with just being a friend and she wasn't. In other words she was not able to put her feelings aside and just be happy with their status quo. 
