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I'm curious about this, as I keep reading about this healing process that divorcees go through. People advising divorcees to take time to "heal" after their divorce, and when they should/shouldn't date again.
Now, I am certain that many divorcees will experience various stages of grief, and that a healing period is part of the process, especially under certain circumstances. A lot of this advice, and much of what I've read overtime doesn't quite resonate with me. I didn't "grieve" and haven't gone through the stages of loss/grief, but then that has everything to do with the dynamics of the former relationship. It was an amicable split. It's been three years since we've lived together, so we've been separated, physically, for some time, and officially separated a year and a half ago. Even then, I didn't grieve or need to "process" the dissolution of our marriage, at least not in the way many people advise. I know exactly why things ended, and am self-aware enough and have done plenty of introspection these last six years to know the whys/hows, but then I never really asked these questions in a serious way. I know the whys without needing to examine them.
It's especially interesting when actively dating, whether in the scene itself or involved with one person. For those who reentered the dating scene before your divorce was finalized or shortly after, were you urged against dating or advised to take time alone to "heal"?
Both my parents remarried within a year of their divorce. My mother married after my father likely as a way to compete with him. My father waited until after the divorce was finalized to begin dating due to his religious beliefs or whatever. I'm a happy heathen, so that was never a concern of mine.
ETA: A friend said it's ironic that I'm going through this while also doing a study on love, relationships and family, and I mentioned that it makes perfect sense, from a personal and educational perspective. (psychology is a field I enjoy studying, and I am fascinated by the human psyche, interactions and relationships)
I don't know if this is a time to get over loosing my last wife. Or wondering why my relationship with her crapped out.
I see this more as a period of growth and acceptance, so that I don't over react to the next time a potential partner does something similar to what my last wife would have done. To do some introspection as well, so I don't repeat the same stupid mistakes.
I do think there is something to being separated for a good amount of time. Doesn't have to be a year, and it isn't the same for all people. But this time is an opportunity to regain some confidence in self, before prematurely looking for the approval of others to sate a fragile ego.
I don't know if this is a time to get over loosing my last wife. Or wondering why my relationship with her crapped out.
I see this more as a period of growth and acceptance, so that I don't over react to the next time a potential partner does something similar to what my last wife would have done. To do some introspection as well, so I don't repeat the same stupid mistakes.
I do think there is something to being separated for a good amount of time. Doesn't have to be a year, and it isn't the same for all people. But this time is an opportunity to regain some confidence in self, before prematurely looking for the approval of others to sate a fragile ego.
Yes, I do agree that taking time to do some introspection can be helpful and illuminating, but I don't like arbitrary timelines that some people give since everyone processes such and other events their own way. My ex-husband and I have been separated a good while, and it allowed us to do whatever processing we needed to.
There will always be people who don't approve or one thing or another. I have friends that remarried or began dating soon after (within 6 months) of losing their spouse, and a sh*t-storm did that create. Since I'm not part of that equation I refuse to make value judgments. It isn't my relationship to say what is or isn't "right."
I didn't divorce, but did have a multi-year cohabiting relationship that ended rather suddenly and in a manner that I did not see coming. I actually started dating pretty much right away, after I moved out and got settled into a new place. Not to "find a replacement man," but to push myself to stay social, because as a person who had suffered depression earlier in life, and who had come to a city and state far from home and loved ones for the relationship that ceased to exist, I felt it was best to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and not succumb to too much alone time and the blues. I challenged myself to do one social thing every night, and to make it a point to go out for at least some type of social interaction every weekend. I'm pretty good at being alone - perhaps too good - and knew it would be really easy to just retreat into my shell, and I knew from past experience that it wouldn't have been a good thing. I also made it a point to keep my dating casual, because I wasn't interested in rebound stuff, and needed a little time to regroup after a pretty jarring betrayal of trust situation.
For about three months, I mostly just focused on regrouping and staying social, and letting the healing process do its thing. Lots of casual dating helped with that. Sitting home and navel-gazing wouldn't have. I know myself, and I knew enough to know that. The fourth month, I happened to meet a guy who was the real deal...somebody who I actually really wanted to get to know, beyond just being social, and he felt the same. After we'd been out a handful of times, I was honest with him that I was coming off a five year long relationship and filled him in on how it ended, so he would know where I was coming from. It was only fair. I didn't stop processing things because I met him. I'm still processing things. But it also didn't prevent me from healing, and from building something new and amazing with my now-husband. I didn't think I'd meet somebody that quickly. But when it happened, I clued in pretty quickly that people like him don't often roll on into your life, and opting out just in case it was "too soon," would have been a foolish mistake. I'm sure some people eyebrow-raised that I met somebody so soon after the demise of a previous LTR, and I'm sure that some people who knew how devastated I was at the previous betrayal probably thought I was grasping at straws or not wanting to be alone, but as soon as they got to know my now-husband, they got it, and could see pretty clearly why I felt as I did.
I am going through a divorce right now. We were married for less than 5 months. I think that it really depends on whether the relationship was already dead when you decided to separate / divorce. A marriage can be over well before a party files. PM me for more info...
After supporting hundreds of divorcees....my two cents is simple. Date when you're indifferent to your past relationship. Meaning, you're not in love, you're not angry. You can be friends, that's good too. But even then, you should be indifferent. Once you're there, regardless of where you are in the marriage, divorce, after divorce, is when you're ready.
Many people, who are the leavers, already processed everything during the marriage (or divorce) and are fine once it's finalized. For the most part, by the time I told my XH I wanted a divorce, I had been out of the marriage for 3 years. The only reason I chose not to date, was because I had a lot of resentment built up still. Amicable divorce and all, I knew I needed to let go of that resentment first.
In your case, if I knew you or even read what you wrote, I'd say go date. You're fine. I always suggest waiting until the paperwork is finalized, due to some crazy laws in some states, but otherwise, go forth and enjoy.
I tend to only give my opinion after I hear them talk about their divorce or marriage. You can usually tell if a person is still hanging on to resentment, anger, sadness etc by how they talk about the past. I don't believe in any "rules" to follow, because everyone's story is different.
I didn't divorce, but did have a multi-year cohabiting relationship that ended rather suddenly and in a manner that I did not see coming. I actually started dating pretty much right away, after I moved out and got settled into a new place. Not to "find a replacement man," but to push myself to stay social, because as a person who had suffered depression earlier in life, and who had come to a city and state far from home and loved ones for the relationship that ceased to exist, I felt it was best to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and not succumb to too much alone time and the blues. I challenged myself to do one social thing every night, and to make it a point to go out for at least some type of social interaction every weekend. I'm pretty good at being alone - perhaps too good - and knew it would be really easy to just retreat into my shell, and I knew from past experience that it wouldn't have been a good thing. I also made it a point to keep my dating casual, because I wasn't interested in rebound stuff, and needed a little time to regroup after a pretty jarring betrayal of trust situation.
For about three months, I mostly just focused on regrouping and staying social, and letting the healing process do its thing. Lots of casual dating helped with that. Sitting home and navel-gazing wouldn't have. I know myself, and I knew enough to know that. The fourth month, I happened to meet a guy who was the real deal...somebody who I actually really wanted to get to know, beyond just being social, and he felt the same. After we'd been out a handful of times, I was honest with him that I was coming off a five year long relationship and filled him in on how it ended, so he would know where I was coming from. It was only fair. I didn't stop processing things because I met him. I'm still processing things. But it also didn't prevent me from healing, and from building something new and amazing with my now-husband. I didn't think I'd meet somebody that quickly. But when it happened, I clued in pretty quickly that people like him don't often roll on into your life, and opting out just in case it was "too soon," would have been a foolish mistake. I'm sure some people eyebrow-raised that I met somebody so soon after the demise of a previous LTR, and I'm sure that some people who knew how devastated I was at the previous betrayal probably thought I was grasping at straws or not wanting to be alone, but as soon as they got to know my now-husband, they got it, and could see pretty clearly why I felt as I did.
Timelines are whatever works for you.
I agree with your sentiments. What you say about moving forward and beginning the dating process and processing/healing at the same time has been my experience, too. Actually, the relationship I had to process and heal from the most wasn't even my marriage. It was the relationship that came after it. I was more hurt by that relationship ending than I was at the realization that my marriage had dissolved.
Quote:
Originally Posted by psichick
After supporting hundreds of divorcees....my two cents is simple. Date when you're indifferent to your past relationship. Meaning, you're not in love, you're not angry. You can be friends, that's good too. But even then, you should be indifferent. Once you're there, regardless of where you are in the marriage, divorce, after divorce, is when you're ready.
Many people, who are the leavers, already processed everything during the marriage (or divorce) and are fine once it's finalized. For the most part, by the time I told my XH I wanted a divorce, I had been out of the marriage for 3 years. The only reason I chose not to date, was because I had a lot of resentment built up still. Amicable divorce and all, I knew I needed to let go of that resentment first.
In your case, if I knew you or even read what you wrote, I'd say go date. You're fine. I always suggest waiting until the paperwork is finalized, due to some crazy laws in some states, but otherwise, go forth and enjoy.
I tend to only give my opinion after I hear them talk about their divorce or marriage. You can usually tell if a person is still hanging on to resentment, anger, sadness etc by how they talk about the past. I don't believe in any "rules" to follow, because everyone's story is different.
I agree with you about the indifference. The split from my ex-husband was amicable, and I came to accept it very early on, as I came to the realization that we wanted different things well before we officially separated. We have our differences, of course, but we actually get along and are plenty friendly.
[quote=Metaphysique;33758026]I'm curious about this, as I keep reading about this healing process that divorcees go through. People advising divorcees to take time to "heal" after their divorce, and when they should/shouldn't date again.
I think it really depends on a combination of factors and the personality of the person.
Like when a marriage ends suddenly as a result of an affair and someone is 100% blindsided.VS a long slow period of growing apart.
What are you supposed to do when the period described in the bolded never ends???
I have been stuck in that phase for over 2 years.
Have you gone out and got laid? There's nothing like it for getting over someone. Once you realise there's plenty more fish in the sea you don't feel quite as bad. I also found lots of splurging on myself helped.
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