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I try everything I can to save a relationship. When I realize that there is nothing I can do on my end to save it, I am thinking about breaking up. That causes extreme stress and I feel horrible pain. The pain of realization that this is not THE ONE or that I need to reconsider my future, start from the beginning, where will I go, where and with whom will I end up, how is HE gonna feel, ... all these thoughts are in my head and I feel sick to my stomach (while still in the relationship).
With the ex hubby, that happened over months. He was on and off on business trips while I was thinking about leaving him (we were unhappy for years but I didn't want to realize it). I told him often what I feel (he didn't listen), he made (and broke) lots of promises, lots of lies, marriage counseling, etc. etc.
When I finally told him it is over, I was already almost over him. I mean, I still loved him but I had peace within myself and knew for sure there is no way back.
So I was ready to date a few months after breaking up. Everybody told me to wait and heal. But I was alone for the most part of our marriage already (he was military and often deployed) and I did not need MORE time alone.
When my previous relationship ended, I didn't WANT to "save" it. I was so hurt by the lies and dishonesty, there wasn't a shred of "Can't we fix this?" on my part whatsoever. I wanted nothing more to do with him. My "healing" didn't have a thing to do with getting over the person. I was done with him the minute he announced his indiscretions.
My "healing" was coming to terms with the fact that my loving, trusting, and believing in somebody for years didn't make me a stupid, gullible person who deserved to be lied to, just because he turned out to be a liar. My pride was really what took the longest to heal. I felt like a fool. Getting past that was the biggest thing, for me. I was over the relationship, but wasn't over being played for a fool. For me, healing and being ready to build something with somebody new came through realizing that, no, that relationship with that person didn't damage my ability to trust, or my sense of self so badly that it didn't recover. I wasn't stupid, he just wasn't a guy with good character. It happens.
What are you supposed to do when the period described in the bolded never ends???
I have been stuck in that phase for over 2 years.
You need to change things around for you. Get hobbies. Pursue them. LIKE them. Be passionate about them more as you have before. Meet people. Go to group events with other single people. Take classes like photography, painting, cooking, sailing, golfing, ... whatever floats your boat.
Get a harley or a bicycle and go out and have fun.
After a while of doing these things, you will no longer pretend to like it. You will actually really enjoy what you do and become more mentally healthy and stable.
It will build up your self esteem. That in turn will show in your face and soul and make you feel better and look better to your surroundings. People will WANT to hang out with you, because you are a nice guy and your aura will be positive.
It worked for me (I got a motorcycle) and I first pretended and complained and now I actually like my life. I hang out at biker spots and have new friends there. I look much more happy and people suddenly smile at me for no reason. Because I send out positive energy.
And I was a super grouch, believe me. So what works for me, will work for you as well.
For those who reentered the dating scene before your divorce was finalized or shortly after, were you urged against dating or advised to take time alone to "heal"?
My ex moved out in November, I had my first date with someone else the day after Christmas. My ex started dating in January. It wasn't so much that people advised me to take time alone to heal. It was that they marveled at how well I was doing. They saw the relief on my face. That was because the marriage was over for months before he moved out. I did my grieving while still in the marriage. The paperwork was only that: paperwork. But some people, namely on this forum, would have an issue with that. You know, because "women always file" and "women can just leave and take everything." They don't stop to consider all that came beforehand, everything that led up to the split.
I do remember some people from the internet being judgmental. At the time I had an online journal, and one of the readers lit into me for daring to date so quickly. I was supposed to "respect" my ex and his feelings and not mention publicly that I had gone on a date. Never mind that my ex was out there dating. I should not have talked about my dates because it would be "humiliating" to my ex.
You can imagine what my response to that guy was.
The best part is that this guy read my site because his wife used to read it and he would check her computer to see what she was looking at online. From her own journal, which was password protected, it was obvious that there was something wrong in her marriage. She and I were online buddies, and in our private correspondence, she told me things about him that painted him as an emotionally abusive ogre who also got a bit rough with her and their kids physically. He didn't beat them, but he'd push her out of the way if they were having an argument so he could stomp off, and he'd drag their kids by their upper arms and sit them forcefully in a chair. They were only 4 and 2 at the time.
Point is: When people are judgmental or think they know what's better for you than you do, chances are they are projecting issues of their own onto you. This guy was very obviously threatened by the fact that a woman could move on from an unhappy marriage and get over a man seemingly so quickly. He knew he was a jackass and that if his wife ever got away from him, she'd probably be much happier. This is just one story, but I'm sure there are others. Even here on this forum, there are a few people who get on other members' cases about certain things, when if you look at their posting histories, it becomes apparent that they are projecting.
Epilogue: One day she forgot to close out and log off from her own journal, and he read it. She wrote to me once after that, to tell me that, and was never heard from again.
The healing part with me had nothing to do with may romantic and sex life afterwards. It was about letting go of anger, understanding my role in our break-up and showing my kids i was still their dad.
My separation is going on 3 years with the final decree coming up soon.
I haven't dated since mainly because I'd rather spend my time energy on my kids and self-reflection. I can't speak for the STBX, but I've long since let go of any acrimony but it did take some time to "settle".
There is a lot of wisdom in knowing yourself, doing what's right for yourself, and not worrying about the input of people who think they know what's best for you better than you, yourself do.
My loved ones were all thrilled for me that I moved on as I did. I went home for ten days for Christmas shortly after my first date with the man who is now my husband, and my mom spent the whole visit telling me how relieved she was to see my face calm, relaxed, and not full of sleeplessness, strain, or sadness. I didn't talk much about the guy I just met, but everyone I spent time with on that trip noted at how at peace I seemed, and you could tell they had been wondering if they should walk on eggshells around me due to the horrid breakup that preceded that visit. Nope, no need.
My separation is going on 3 years with the final decree coming up soon.
I haven't dated since mainly because I'd rather spend my time energy on my kids and self-reflection. I can't speak for the STBX, but I've long since let go of any acrimony but it did take some time to "settle".
Ugh that sucks. Good that you are hanging with your kids. My dad went through it before he met my mom. I remember him saying lots of compromising with the ex. But as time went it got better and my half brother gained 3 more siblings.
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